Going against the tide
They say don't make any major decisions, don't move, don't buy anything, don't do anything the 1 year ~
I've broken every rule, everything is like a double edged sword, cutting my heart deeply, tears falling yet somehow still protecting me.
On the outside, I have a job, a new car, a new apartment with beautiful furniture (thanks to the Insurance Money) but on the inside its devastation and heartbreak so unbearable I feel like I can't survive another day. The days come and go and I just move like a sleepwalker with my eyes wide open. Neither seeing or caring where I am or going. It tricks me into believing that time is my friend, things are better and then when I least expect it I'm feel like I've been slammed against a wall, taking my breath away and I'm in tears and can't stop crying.
Its day 1 all over again, pictures in my head, word running around saying "What If" or "Maybe" and the never ending "If Only I had" More guilt to add to the impossible weight my heart carries.
Its almost 9 months ~ my coping skills are taking a beating ~ always trying to stay 1 step ahead, do the right thing. So many times I can't sleep.
I had a terrible dream, Billy came back and I was so happy to see him but then he said ~ I've got to go and my heart broke in a million pieces with me waking up in tears. I'm not alive and I'm not dead ~ Be strong I tell myself. You know Billy always believed you could do anything when you got going. In fact sometimes he couldn't stop you ~ I see that funny face he makes when I'm being foolish, I'm tired and this road is so difficult at times, so hard, I feel like I'm falling all the time. No one understands and I feel lost, broken and unable to breath at times.
So tonight alone in bed I'll hope again once more to see him in my dreams, and when I wake in the morning, again I'll take the next steps into tomorrow again on my own.
1 Step, 1 Breath at a time