Going against the tide

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Billy

Billy

They say don't make any major decisions, don't move, don't buy anything, don't do anything the 1 year ~

I've broken every rule, everything is like a double edged sword, cutting my heart deeply, tears falling yet somehow still protecting me.
On the outside, I have a job, a new car, a new apartment with beautiful furniture (thanks to the Insurance Money) but on the inside its devastation and heartbreak so unbearable I feel like I can't survive another day. The days come and go and I just move like a sleepwalker with my eyes wide open. Neither seeing or caring where I am or going. It tricks me into believing that time is my friend, things are better and then when I least expect it I'm feel like I've been slammed against a wall, taking my breath away and I'm in tears and can't stop crying.

Its day 1 all over again, pictures in my head, word running around saying "What If" or "Maybe" and the never ending "If Only I had" More guilt to add to the impossible weight my heart carries.
Its almost 9 months ~ my coping skills are taking a beating ~ always trying to stay 1 step ahead, do the right thing. So many times I can't sleep.

I had a terrible dream, Billy came back and I was so happy to see him but then he said ~ I've got to go and my heart broke in a million pieces with me waking up in tears. I'm not alive and I'm not dead ~ Be strong I tell myself. You know Billy always believed you could do anything when you got going. In fact sometimes he couldn't stop you ~ I see that funny face he makes when I'm being foolish, I'm tired and this road is so difficult at times, so hard, I feel like I'm falling all the time. No one understands and I feel lost, broken and unable to breath at times.
So tonight alone in bed I'll hope again once more to see him in my dreams, and when I wake in the morning, again I'll take the next steps into tomorrow again on my own.

Always,
1 Step, 1 Breath at a time

Comments for Going against the tide

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Mar 16, 2011
No answers yet
by: Anonymous

Patricia, You had a terrible dream and so did I . It hurts so much. My dream was that we were in our old house and people were there as some occasion was going on. Then it was time for us to leave and as I began walking out the door I noticed he wasn't with me so I turned around and asked him aren't you coming with me and he said NO and when he said it it was so final and I woke up knowing full well what it meant. and I cried most of the day. Now that I think of it It still makes me sad and hurt.

I had one the other night ..I was laying next to him in a white room where everything else was white... I told him I loved him. He was motionless laying there and after a few seconds he turned over to me and said I love you and he then rolled over and became motionless again. Again I knew what it meant because I wanted him to tell me he loved me before he died as I had told him.

Are we supposed to live the rest of our lives to never hear I love you again or be hugged and feel special to someone?

In the end we all need to know we mattered in this life to someone. will my 36 years sustain me until then?

Take care Patricia . I'm sure answers will come to us with time.

Mar 16, 2011
Questions
by: Pam

Boy your post sounded alot like my thoughts tonight. I am sitting here and the tears won't stop flowing. It will be four months in four days, but yet today I was doing so good in the morning, people at work even commented on how happy I looked, which made me feel even better. But yet tonight, not sure what happened, but the tears started and won't stop. I have not taken any major steps, only gave a few of his things away (dress clothes he never wore), and I walk around and say the same things as you.....How could they just leave...leaving us to cry ourselves to sleep in our empty beds, wake up to an empty house...doing everything alone.

I had him for 35 years, but I wanted him till we grew old and gray, I wanted it all.
Don't know where I would be without this site, and being able to read what people share makes me realize I am not alone, there are many broken hearts out there just like mine.
Let us all help each other, thank you for posting.

Mar 15, 2011
It's not easy is it?
by:

Patricia,

I sure know what you mean. I feel that I have come so far. It was not that long ago that I cried everyday. Months later, I might cry once a week or so depending on what I faced at that time. When I had not cried in a month I thought well, I am doing better now huh? Then some memory would slap me upside the head and I would fall apart.

It seems like it is a never ending evolution of our life, Forever moving changing yet holding on to the past. They are all of our memories, why wouldn't they come to mind? We need to make new memories I am just not sure how...
HH

Mar 15, 2011
Texas
by: Donna

Patricia I too have made some decisions, not as drastically as you, and honestly I can't imagine being as strong as you are now. I wish you all the best in your future life. You have helped me so much over the past 7 1/2 months. I hope that I will become as strong of a person as you are. Bryan said that I could do anything that I put my mind to, I guess I just can't seem to get my mind around this tragedy though, or maybe I just don't want to put my mind to it. I know Bryan wants me to go on though, I just haven't figured out how to yet, maybe someday. I also wish every day that he will come visit me in my dreams and that I would remember it, but so far nothing. I think that it might help me cope a little better. But until then I go one breath one step one day at a time Good luck and God bless you

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