Going Backwards???

by jules
(Boonah, Qld, Australia)

I don't know if it is the current situation with people losing so much in the floods here in Queensland, but I am feeling so low at the moment.

I don't want to go through the rest of my life alone - I am not a person who does "alone", I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. At times I don't even know if it is John that I miss, or just the knowledge that "someone" is there for me - no matter what. I thought I was getting better with all of this, but apparently not - how am I going to go on - I feel sad, I cry easily, that turn to sobs.

I worry how I will cope in every aspect of this life, physically, financially, mentally, and emotionally.

I have good friends and family, but they can't be there for me all the time - John and I were together for 42 years - with a slight hiccup in the middle - I knew I could rely on him for support and a sane voice to ground me when I needed grounding.

I make decisions then doubt them, I have good intentions to do this or that - then when the time comes I doubt if I can do it.

Being able to write all this on here is a big help - doesn't really solve my problem, but puts it in perspective, and I know that some gorgeous person out there will have some wise and comforting words for me.

Time to get up -
one breath - one step
take care


Comments for Going Backwards???

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Jan 23, 2011
by: Zoe


I am so happy your market went well
We are all pulling for you.

I have said this before I know but I am not sure this is about acceptance; as it is about adjustment to our new life circumstances

Either way I am sure you are on your way to great success.

Amd when you are rich and famous we shall all say
We knew her when

One breath one step


Jan 22, 2011
going backwards?????
by: jules

Again, to my friends on this site - without you I don't know where I would be - even though I know that physically I am alone, I know that emotionally I have many, many friends who care enough to try and comfort me.

I have done a positive thing today - I have joined with some people in selling a product at markets - they are in my old state, and I am here in Queensland (not too near the flooding thankfully) - anyway today I did my first market, and it was a moderate success - it was a very small market, with not a lot of people through, so to do as well as I did was very uplifting, and proved that I could still get out there and "sell" - something I have always prided myself on.

So I am moving forward instead of going backwards - hopefully this continues - and just maybe I am at the "acceptance" stage, all I know is it is a long arduous journey, that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

one step, one breath
take care

Jan 22, 2011
by: Mari

You are so very welcome Jules. We all care for you and will be here for you.
The things you feel, we feel too. You are right when you say we must take one breath and one step. It is a journey and a difficult one. We are all going through the grieving process.
Tomorrow will be 14 months since my husband went to be with the Lord.

I am better Jules. In many ways I have come to terms. But my heart aches for my husband and his hugs. If only I could hear him say one more time,''I do love you, you know.'' And sometimes in the quiet of this house I feel his love.

My whole life has changed. I take care of everything. All the bills, payments, insurances, repairs, things he used to do. I am adjusting but it sure has not been easy.
Tomorrow I will have a job interview. I think a job outside the home will be helpful to me. I have to stay busy.

I sure miss my husband. My pastor assured me that I will see my husband again. He said,''To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord''.

Just when I was feeling at my lowest ebb, a new great grandaughter came into the world on Jan 5th. It is my first great. How my husband would have loved her. Life is a mixture of joy and sorrow. We will make it Jules. We need time.
Take care of yourself and keep posting. God bless you.

Jan 16, 2011
going backwards
by: jules

To my beautiful friends on this site - thank you from the bottom of my heart - I would not have been able to even put my feelings into words with out the love on this site.

I appreciate the comforting words from you all, especially those of you who are reasonably new to this arduous journey. Together we can do it, together will do it - support each other, love each other, share with each other.

one step, one breath
take care

Jan 15, 2011
by: Jackie

Hi, we are all in this same boat, floating aimlessly, going nowhere. I feel your pain, as we all do. I have to fight and make myself go to work each day because it is what I have to do. I don't enjoy the endless chit chat of my friends anymore, I want to tell them to shut up, that their whining is about things that don't matter.

But I don't say a word I just listen. I think about my husband every minute of every day. I don't seem to be able to think of anything else. My pain is ever present and doesn't seem to improve from one day to the next. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of us in this situation that none of us chose. I am sorry for your loss as well as my own.

Please think of the happy times that the two of you shared, I do all the time. I am here for you, good luck.

Jan 15, 2011
Going Backwards
by: Colleen

I have a brother in Melbourne I know it is not near the floods but because I have family in Australia it has also made me feel as if I have gone backwards. My brother came out when Bruce died and he was a rock for the week that he stayed with me. I miss him now that I have to do it on my own, so when the floods hit I was horrified and so worried about my brother I went backwards. So do not be hard on yourself; you are entitled to have a relapse.

Jan 15, 2011
Thank You

Jules, Zoe, Jen, Mari and all,

It has been a year and still I feel like a scrambled egg. All mixed up and so tired of having to be the man of the house. I was dependent on him and he of me. We relied on each other to keep this house going. Without him I so tire of having to make all the decisions and do everything that needs doing. I suppose as a single parent you take the responsibilities on because there is no other choice. I am still having a hard time adjusting. Yes I still miss my husband, Yes husband I am NOT married but I still feel so. This was Not my choice as in divorce. There is a grief process there but it is different. I had traveled that road as well.
This new Normal sucks. I am not adapting well, it takes everything I have and am to live this new life. so I do understand, I am so very grateful that you guys have been there to help me through this insanity.

Jan 14, 2011
Going Backwards??
by: Jules

I have seen you write so many wonderful, honest, and encouraging words to all of us, and it saddens me that you are going thru more rough times. I also believe that when bad things happen to other people maybe it just brings up some of the hurt that might of been hidden for awhile. You are hurting for others, as you know what the ultimate hurt is. I hope that you find something that puts you back on track, as I really look up to you and your kind words and advice for us that are new to this journey.
Thinking and praying for you,

Jan 14, 2011
by: Circles

Backwards, forwards, up, down, sideways. We spin in our grief.

Of course you feel the loss suffered by others. You UNDERSTAND LOSS. So many people speak of it, some with great authority, but have no true concept of what loss is. They are so sorry for the losses of others, and yes on some level they are sorry, but they do not understand it. And that is ok, I would not wish this on anyone.

Imagine trying to take a step with only one leg, that is what we are now, we were part of a pair that moved together through life, now we are one. We have no timing, there is no back up there is no strength if we tire, there is just us hopping along like some wet sock puppet. The longer we are alone the more we realize what alone means. And the fact is, at least for me, I would rather be alone with my memories and sadness than try to be with others who either pretend to understand, or try to ignore what has happened with the idea that by not looking, it will go away.

No decision is ever going to be the same, no decision is ever going to be as strong or firm. We can't make those kind of decisions anymore. After what you have been through how do you not second guess anything, and everything. Nothing is forever, nothing is solid, it is fluid, and at a moments notice it runs over us.

so through the tears
one breath one step one day at a time.

Jan 14, 2011
Know How you feel- Backwards
by: Judith

Jules, it's been 4 months today of my chuck's passing and two months ago I was doing better. Know, I too, cry at the least little thing and grieve as if it was today he died. This is the toughest road to steer. We just can't go on as if 35 or 40 years didn't exist. We will always love them and what we had but we will also hopefully find a new kind of happiness with another when the time is right for us.

God wants us to not be alone forever. But we have to take the time to evaluate now what it is we really need in another relationship and to carefully choose our future as much as we can. to take the time to really know someone and feel right in that decision.

We have to continue being the strong people we were before, but for ourselves. We deserve to be content and laugh again. I am going to allow myself the time now to be what I have to to get through this for as long as it takes.

You will do fine with all those worry some things. You won't allow yourself to fail. You'll keep up financially because you know you must.

We will reach final acceptance and peace will come. There is no going back as much as we would like to be able to and right the things still left unsaid or done we feel guilty about .

I pray that God will give us the extra strength to see us through it all. Take care.

Jan 14, 2011
You are normal
by: Ms Mack

Hi Jules,

You are much farther into your grieving process than I am, so I don't know if I can really be of any help. You have certainly been there to comfort so many on this site and I know it is greatly appreciated. I tend to agree in
what Hope brought up. You are probably having some anxiety in the "acceptance" stage of grief.

Maybe you are trying to take on too much at once. Staying busy is therapeutic but you have been dealing with a lot just going through the loss. Strong emotions take so much out of you in every stage. And yes, you might be taking on someone else's flooding disaster as one of your own emotions. We are ever so vulnerable now that we are alone.

Take it slower, write down what you feel. Set aside some time for yourself every day to think and grieve, even if it's 5 minutes to cry, remember, look at pictures..... Shorten this as
time continues by maybe 3 minutes, to every other day and so forth.

Most important, take care of yourself. Eat right, walk, take vitamins, concentrate on healthy. You are NOT going backwards, just turned around for the moment to LOOK back.
Hope this makes sense. My prayers and best to you.

Jan 14, 2011
Moving Forward?
by: PatJ

It's been 6 weeks today for me. I'm not making very much progress. My husband and I were married for 37 years. I'm lost without him. Like you~ I have good friends and family support but it's not the same as having my husband with me. They can't share the bed with me and kiss me goodnight. I'm trying to move forward but it isn't working very well. Everyone keeps saying "Take one day at a time." Every day is so long and lonely. I don't want to take any days without my husband.

I'm told this is a long journey we all must face. I'm told not to bury my feelings but deal with them. It hurts too bad. Right now I'm trying to do anything I can not to have to deal with the feelings~ it just hurts too badly. I know that's not good but that's how I'm surviving presently. I pray daily for all of us who are grieving. Blessings to you Jules.

Jan 14, 2011
light and love
by: kay

I have read your post and I can relate to your feelings....even though I lost my son and not my partner. It has been 8 months now and I hate waking up to see the sunlight. I feel lost, sad, aching and feel I am a new me, someone who just exists on a daily basis. I am thinking of you and sending you love and much healing.

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would be in this sad and dark place without my son. It is difficult because family and friends cant be around all the time and then when we are alone we have these overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and pain that just goes on. I hope you begin to feel your load lighten Jules, just know that you are in my thoughts. love Kay

Jan 14, 2011
The "New us"
by: Anonymous


I understand that in grief common feelings may be felt. That Grief had different stages but not the 7 that are spoke of. It's not that simple is it? The last stage Acceptance is as tough as beginning the whole grief nightmare isn't it?

For the last 2 nights I have drempt that someone is interested in the new me. Of course I find this impossible. I see myself as so blah zay nothing, just existing and surviving each day and nothing more.

I do not want to dream of this new life, the new possibilities. I want to dream of Paul and I have Not since he died. Not one damn dream and that is all that I want. To really smile and be happy if only in my dreams.

Something or someone is trying to nudge me towards this new life and it is like excuse the term, trying to lift dead weight. I am not cooperating with the whole scheme of things.

So I really do know what you mean. Truly, I can relate. There is a new life out there for me and I fight it, though there really is no other way out except to start over. The old life, the old existence that we loved is gone. And as we move on like sloths or robots, it is not enough. We want more but do not know how to attain happiness.

I wish I had the answer for you but I am in the same boat. I will write more but it is 6 in the morning and I just woke up. The only thing that makes sense now is a cuppa joe and a shower.

But I swear if I come up with some answers for us both I will let you in on the secret. For now keep going- work, play, get yourself out there even if it is to help those that have seen rough times because of the flood.

Allow yourself to be the new you. It does feel strange but hopefully we will get used to what we are supposed to be eventually.

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