I lost my husband very suddenly in Corozal, Belize Central America 3 months 21 days hours and 31 minutes ago. Yes I do keep track of the months, days and time of his death. We made many friends and enjoyed playing darts with them while we were there. We had planned on retiring there. I am returning this summer for two weeks to see all of my friends and spend some time with them as I miss them very much. I have learned in dealing with his death and the grief of his passing that I will eventually return there to retire permanently. That was a dream of ours and it is something I want for me and for him. He was happy and all he talked about was getting his residency there as that was something that was very important to him and I supported him 100% on it. It is something I want and I will get it and hopefully my citizenship there also.
I know that I must move forward and I am learning to deal with being alone, though not very well some days. I am doing a 5 weeks of grief sessions but not sure if that is where I need to be. I feel worse today than when I started going to the first one on Sunday. I am beginning to see life differently and I am learning that it is okay to ask for help which is not something I am used to. I get very frustrated when you ask someone or an agency for help and they tell you one thing and then do not follow through with it. I have several things I need to do to our home and no seems to want to give you guidance or directions or where to go or what to do. I am beginning to hate these so called senior adult services because when you mention you are on a limited income that just do not respond to you. It is like you have the plague or something. As big as my city is they do not have a Senior Adult Services organization for this county. Farmers Branch, Carrollton, Plano and Addison do but because I live in Dallas County I do not qualify for their help and I am only 3 miles from them, which sucks. Sorry but my frustration with the State of Texas is beginning to show a bit and I never thought I would ever say that as I am Texas born and raised.
I have no family that wants to have anything to do with me because I became a Catholic except my son who is currently unemployed and living with me. Extended family are all out of the country so there is no help there. I have no support system and that really is a big pain as I have not met anyone except at the grief session on Sunday that is going through or has gone through this. People you thought were you friends just suddently drop you, which to me means you were not a true friend to begin with.
I have no motivation to do anything. I know that I need to start an exercise routine and all of that stuff but I do not have the energy nor the will power to do it at this point. I am not depressed as I know very well what depression is all about as I have been there before and I am not willing to travel that road ever again.
I respond to some blogs out there and I cry when I am responding to alot of them as I know where you are coming from but that is all.
I do apologize for my comments tonight but I guess that I needed to get them out of my system in order to move on. One step, one breath, one day at a time and I am trying very hard to do that, just that some days are worse than others. God Bless all of you and may He hold you in the palm of His Hand.