Going it alone

by Judy
(Rockledge FL)

I had a huge disappointment at work today. I was passed over for a job I really wanted, knew I could do really well and felt like I was more than qualified to do. Making it even worse was having the employer tell me I was great, really hard decision etc etc but they took someone else. So what does that mean, be sure to apply if another opening comes. Sure we'll take you if we don't find someone who's a little better?

I don't understand why I can't roll through this like I usually roll through things like this. Take a chance you might win and you might not. I realized while I was driving home that there's no one there to comfort me, no one to tell me I'm the greatest anyway, no one to tell me the employer is an obvious idiot to pass me by, no one to say dry your eyes and let's go have a margarita, you and I can do anything, kid. God I miss Barry. This loneliness is so hard to manage and I don't seem to have the skills to develop friends anymore at at least friends who are good enough and close enough to me to say nuts to them they don't deserve you anyway.

This aloneness seems to be pointed out to me almost daily. I have no family nor anyone I would consider a close friend here. I had to skip having a colonoscopy because I didn't have anyone who could take a day to drive me to the hospital and pick me up later. I don't have anyone at church I know well enough to be my covenant buddy while our whole congregation is reading "The Purpose Driven Life". I live alone, watch movies alone, I spend virtually every weekend alone, shop alone, cook alone, watch tv alone, drive everywhere alone, sit in the pew alone, make all decisions without getting to consult with anyone. The telephone rarely rings sometimes never does for days on end. I could die here and the cat could eat me before anyone would notice. God I sound pitiful and whiny but that's how I feel.

I'm furious at God for taking Barry and leaving me alone here with nothing. I HATE this dull and boring lonely life. I don't know what to do to fix it. My stiff upper lip is crumbling, my chin is falling and I'm having trouble bucking up. When will things get better?

Sorry for the pity party. Just had to get it out.

JM

Comments for Going it alone

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Aug 11, 2011
Alone
by: Zoe

We are alone because we are not with the person we love, the person we chose to be with. Trust me, I can stand in a room with 50 people and I am alone. They cannot touch me, there is a vacuum around me.
It is part of those pounding reminders of what we have lost.
This site, this is the place I am not alone. Here, with you all. Here I know someone will understand what I am saying. Here I will see something and instantly know what they mean.
Here is the place you are not alone.
Here is the place you are heard.
Here is the place you are needed, because someone will be writing as they unravel, and you will see it and answer and that hand reaching out, will save another. That is what we do here.

one breath, one step, one day at a time.

Aug 11, 2011
Edit
by: M Mack

It will be 13 months in 10 days - I never forget that date just can't type

Aug 10, 2011
Going it alone clarification
by: Mary Mack

Judy,

I wanted to mention earlier that feeling and being alone is one of my grief symptoms too. I know I'm very social but honestly, all of my so called "friends" and family is not deep friendly feel good inside tell all type of relationships. I've really lost that since Raymond passed. The kind of friendship I really miss is the affection, support and love we had. It's only
a little over 11 months and I am dying inside with wanting that back. I still try to keep up the happy face, outings and business as usual approach. It has helped to make these efforts but I still go home alone. Basically Im
the only one that I want to hear an opinion from. Sounds crazy I know but I'm going through the motions of "ok" to send good karma back to me. Your boss made a big mistake passing on you for someone else. He'll find out in due time sure of that. So pick up your chin and know you are really not alone. I'm in the same boat tossing me all over the place.

Aug 10, 2011
Going it alone ~ Ditto
by: Patricia From Las Vegas

You have just described my life. I have 2 jobs in the last 120 days. The last one hired me because of my "Experience" in the industry. 3 1/2 weeks later it's we have to let you go, it's not working (I was fine with that until...) but we've found someone with more experience. So I'm just a filler in??? Up one minute, down the next. Life's wonderful merry-go-round. I had the same thought the other day, if I died here would anybody know? All I could think of was the smell... yuck! I back pounding the road of unemployment and hoping no one can see the cracks in my soul, hoping to be able to articulate and be intelligent enough to find something full time. Until then I'll work at JC Penney where I've been since moving to Las Vegas back in 10/2010. Right turn, left turn and driving down a dead end street only to find the next street reads "No outlet" and I'm going around in circles. I following close behind you and I know how you feel. But, I will rise every morning and go to work, get on the computer each day and look for that "job" that wants me and dig in. Hope...
always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Aug 10, 2011
Alone
by: Judith in California

Judy, you are where I'm at too. I just told my therapist yesterday that after 11 months I am starting to feel the impact of total emptiness and loneliness. I had an operation 3 weeks ago and cried the whole time before because I miss my husband to hold my hand and be there when i awoke. Just to see him would make me all better. I had to rely on an old work friend to take me but arranged for my son to pick me up. The same goes for when I had my colonoscopy. People who were once there are no longer there.
I do have sisters who call daily and tho it's appreciated and I love them it's still lonely.
You are right. Not having our loves to share our daily feelings with is the loneliest. Sometimes you forget and start to speak and stop suddenly , realizing he's not here. Then you cry or get sad.
We can't beg them back into our lives the way they were before their illness.

Anyway Judy, your boss was an idiot not to realize your potential. It's his loss. So go out this weekend and have that margarita and feel good anyway. Strike up a conversation with a stranger. Make some new friends. I go to our mall and have met 4 ladies who used to sit alone, now we all sit together and have a latte and discuss and solve the troubles of the world, in our minds.

Take care Judy. Be especially good to yourself

Aug 10, 2011
Going it alone
by: M Mack

Judy,

I know where you're coming from. Your life revolved around Barry and now you've given up needing anyone since he's gone. Is it possible that you chose this for yourself? Could you be getting in your own way by choosing not to make new friends? I am definitely not an expert but I know the heart needs nourishment to fuel the soul. In your writing today and in the past I noticed what a wonderful faithful loving person you were when Barry was here. Your gift to your relationship was you! Yes you have alot to offer as a human being. So please dry your eyes Judy and get out there to the coffee shops, grocery stores, library, volunteer in an animal shelter or organization that needs you. Remember to where your best smiling eyes, not your crying eyes and you will for sure meet other people who need you as well as you need them. I thank God I have my kids. I try to not depend or expect them to keep me company and I do keep up with my old girlfriends.
I even try to not talk about how much I miss Raymond in my life. He really was my whole reason for being. Now, I live and work on loving who I am. Give it a try Judy and don't let yourself get in your way to be happy. Keep writing and give it your best.....one day at a time.

Aug 10, 2011
I don't like going alone too
by: Geoffrey Campbell

Dear Judy,
I feel the same way. I go to church, but it brought so much more joy when I had someone. So I did a lot of volunteer work, but the loneliness is still there. I find that I am lonelier after having experienced being loved and needed, than prior to having known love. The vacuum is more piercing. If only there was a site where those who have these discomfitures could talk with each other without the anonymity factor.

Aug 09, 2011
I hate it too...
by: Anonymous

Judy,

Some how we think that this late in grief we should have our act together don't we? Well...You and I have traveled this grief trail together so I do not mind admitting that we are about neck and neck whereas emotions and general functioning are concerned.

I had a neighbor pick me up from my colostomy. Pretty much drugged out of my mind I don't even recall him picking me up I slept for a long time afterwards.

I Miss Paul too, being there to support me for medical things. It is scary and so lonely doing it alone. If I have a good or crappy day I miss sharing...life with him. I do most things alone as well. I have a child to care for but that does not take the place of a husband a companion, best friend and lover. The friends that I had long ago with the old me pre-grief have disappeared. So I do get it Judy... I really do.

Never apologize for coming here and thinking/saying what we also think and feel. It helps to know that we still are not alone in our thoughts or loneliness.

I am here to give you a "don't worry about it" any time that you need it...
Hope from VA

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