Going it alone
I had a huge disappointment at work today. I was passed over for a job I really wanted, knew I could do really well and felt like I was more than qualified to do. Making it even worse was having the employer tell me I was great, really hard decision etc etc but they took someone else. So what does that mean, be sure to apply if another opening comes. Sure we'll take you if we don't find someone who's a little better?
I don't understand why I can't roll through this like I usually roll through things like this. Take a chance you might win and you might not. I realized while I was driving home that there's no one there to comfort me, no one to tell me I'm the greatest anyway, no one to tell me the employer is an obvious idiot to pass me by, no one to say dry your eyes and let's go have a margarita, you and I can do anything, kid. God I miss Barry. This loneliness is so hard to manage and I don't seem to have the skills to develop friends anymore at at least friends who are good enough and close enough to me to say nuts to them they don't deserve you anyway.
This aloneness seems to be pointed out to me almost daily. I have no family nor anyone I would consider a close friend here. I had to skip having a colonoscopy because I didn't have anyone who could take a day to drive me to the hospital and pick me up later. I don't have anyone at church I know well enough to be my covenant buddy while our whole congregation is reading "The Purpose Driven Life". I live alone, watch movies alone, I spend virtually every weekend alone, shop alone, cook alone, watch tv alone, drive everywhere alone, sit in the pew alone, make all decisions without getting to consult with anyone. The telephone rarely rings sometimes never does for days on end. I could die here and the cat could eat me before anyone would notice. God I sound pitiful and whiny but that's how I feel.
I'm furious at God for taking Barry and leaving me alone here with nothing. I HATE this dull and boring lonely life. I don't know what to do to fix it. My stiff upper lip is crumbling, my chin is falling and I'm having trouble bucking up. When will things get better?
Sorry for the pity party. Just had to get it out.