going on without him

by cona
(minneapolis,mn. usa)

Where do I begin, Carl,my Carl is really gone and not like out of state but out of me and his children's lives for ever. When I got the phone call on October 1st 2010 @ 5am from my sister-in-law, not from my husbands family, that he had dropped dead of a heart attack I thought I would just die too.

So now I go to my sixteen year old son's room and knock softly, thinking all the while this has to be a nightmare cause Carl wouldn't just go away and not say bye to us. Carl Jr. opens the door and I stutter the words that his daddy is gone. We both just stare at the empty air then he asks did you call my sister yet? So now I sit on the bed (I think) and call my daughter to tell her her daddy is gone, then my oldest son to tell him his daddy is gone. After that things are a little fuzzy.

A lot of crying and a lot of disbelief. Still hard for us, lil' carl and carlicia are still not letting me in and that's OK like I told them that was your daddy and don't no one but you two know what your going through, I'm right here when you need me. Now it's the what ifs that is really getting to me.