Going over the Edge???
Surprise Happy 50th Birthday 2008
I've done a lot of thinking this last few days. I made it through the "1 Year" mark. Problem is I'm feeling like I'm back sliding.
Not back to the beginning but regressing backward and not moving forward. I'm beginning to wonder if I need help. When does grief turn into someone needs assistant getting through grief?
I've just had to deal with my mother having a stroke just days after Billy's 1 year mark and I'm thinking and reflecting on everything. Why am I back siding more now? I know stress is included because I may not have a job but I'm lost. I feel like I'm drifting and can't grab anything to hold on too. I miss him so much now, more so when I was 7-8 months down the line. I know I'm angry because he's not here and I'm alone to deal with life, my job and everything and everything, he would be the one I talk to and now he's gone.
I know when I was in the hospital and my mother was in ICU/Neuro unit I felt like I was having a breakdown. I pulled myself together by shire strength and willpower telling myself your not going there.
I just needed him to talk too, to tell him like so many times what was going on and get his comfort and just talk. I have no one to talk to these days.
My Nascar friends are just that. Family? (brothers)NO...
I did a lot of inter looking. Up front thinking and I've been carrying a lot of guilt. I felt because of me, Billy is gone. I know everybody said "NO" you did everything but I can't help wonder? I was the one who pushed the doctors to give him pain medications because of his Diabetes. Maybe he was tired of being in pain? Maybe I didn't give him emotionally and love to him? How may questions? I just didn't want him to hurt anymore. The doctors say no but I can't help thinking. Its killing me and I just don't know what to do.
So do you think it time for professional help??? I'm ready to go to the rubber room. I just wanted so much for him just to enjoy life and not be in pain. So the pain killers with the combination of drugs could have done it. Or maybe he was tired and it was just so much in pain. I don't know the answers. I would see someone but I don't have insurance, or the money so I just keep thinking of everything that happened, what the doctors said and try to believe I took care of him the best way I could.
I feel like I'm being ripped apart into a million pieces. Things happen I've been told, It was time, he's not in pain and with God. I just don't know about me. Forgive me for this ~ I can't talk to family, who knows if they knew what I believe they wouldn't.
Nascar friends are just that friends. I have no one to talk too. No one who understands. I sound like a broken record. Everybody else just looks at me like "OK I'll listen for now" then maybe I can make a fast leave and not have to listen to long. How many time has that happened? It's become me verses them. They think they understand, they node there heads agreeing, it so sad and then continue with there lives, takeout and a movie. Depressing either way you look at it....
My life is being ruled by my pain and grief and it shouldn't be. I know all the right questions and answers but following and doing the right thing is difficult.
I'm tired, so very tired. I've thought of myself not here and think about what would happened if I wasn't. Just like a ping pong ball going back for fourth forever.
This site gives me the release, comfort and compassion to move me. I know I'm not a "Danger" to myself as everybody in the world may sometimes think of me or at times through this process but????
Pain has become my companion, it walks beside me each day and if I'm lucky, leaves for brief moments and returns with the next thought or memory.
The days are bearable but the nights bring longing, memories and the wanting like a drug you can't have. I have a job I hate and hate and a place in time I'm in, I just don't want to be here.
On the outside to the world I walk, talk and bowl with friends. On the inside I'm an empty shells walking, talking and bowling with friends like a real person. Real? Really?
Each night I pray to see Billy in my dreams and wake in the morning wondering where I am and then reality shows up and one more day I rise and go to work and look like the working force...
Thoughts, pictures and memories invade my waking moments of time. Again a picture without a frame, a love without a heart and a longing for what I can no longer have.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year