Going over the Edge???

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Surprise Happy 50th Birthday 2008

Surprise Happy 50th Birthday 2008

I've done a lot of thinking this last few days. I made it through the "1 Year" mark. Problem is I'm feeling like I'm back sliding.
Not back to the beginning but regressing backward and not moving forward. I'm beginning to wonder if I need help. When does grief turn into someone needs assistant getting through grief?
I've just had to deal with my mother having a stroke just days after Billy's 1 year mark and I'm thinking and reflecting on everything. Why am I back siding more now? I know stress is included because I may not have a job but I'm lost. I feel like I'm drifting and can't grab anything to hold on too. I miss him so much now, more so when I was 7-8 months down the line. I know I'm angry because he's not here and I'm alone to deal with life, my job and everything and everything, he would be the one I talk to and now he's gone.
I know when I was in the hospital and my mother was in ICU/Neuro unit I felt like I was having a breakdown. I pulled myself together by shire strength and willpower telling myself your not going there.
I just needed him to talk too, to tell him like so many times what was going on and get his comfort and just talk. I have no one to talk to these days.
My Nascar friends are just that. Family? (brothers)NO...
I did a lot of inter looking. Up front thinking and I've been carrying a lot of guilt. I felt because of me, Billy is gone. I know everybody said "NO" you did everything but I can't help wonder? I was the one who pushed the doctors to give him pain medications because of his Diabetes. Maybe he was tired of being in pain? Maybe I didn't give him emotionally and love to him? How may questions? I just didn't want him to hurt anymore. The doctors say no but I can't help thinking. Its killing me and I just don't know what to do.
So do you think it time for professional help??? I'm ready to go to the rubber room. I just wanted so much for him just to enjoy life and not be in pain. So the pain killers with the combination of drugs could have done it. Or maybe he was tired and it was just so much in pain. I don't know the answers. I would see someone but I don't have insurance, or the money so I just keep thinking of everything that happened, what the doctors said and try to believe I took care of him the best way I could.
I feel like I'm being ripped apart into a million pieces. Things happen I've been told, It was time, he's not in pain and with God. I just don't know about me. Forgive me for this ~ I can't talk to family, who knows if they knew what I believe they wouldn't.
Nascar friends are just that friends. I have no one to talk too. No one who understands. I sound like a broken record. Everybody else just looks at me like "OK I'll listen for now" then maybe I can make a fast leave and not have to listen to long. How many time has that happened? It's become me verses them. They think they understand, they node there heads agreeing, it so sad and then continue with there lives, takeout and a movie. Depressing either way you look at it....
My life is being ruled by my pain and grief and it shouldn't be. I know all the right questions and answers but following and doing the right thing is difficult.
I'm tired, so very tired. I've thought of myself not here and think about what would happened if I wasn't. Just like a ping pong ball going back for fourth forever.
This site gives me the release, comfort and compassion to move me. I know I'm not a "Danger" to myself as everybody in the world may sometimes think of me or at times through this process but????
Pain has become my companion, it walks beside me each day and if I'm lucky, leaves for brief moments and returns with the next thought or memory.
The days are bearable but the nights bring longing, memories and the wanting like a drug you can't have. I have a job I hate and hate and a place in time I'm in, I just don't want to be here.
On the outside to the world I walk, talk and bowl with friends. On the inside I'm an empty shells walking, talking and bowling with friends like a real person. Real? Really?
Each night I pray to see Billy in my dreams and wake in the morning wondering where I am and then reality shows up and one more day I rise and go to work and look like the working force...
Thoughts, pictures and memories invade my waking moments of time. Again a picture without a frame, a love without a heart and a longing for what I can no longer have.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for Going over the Edge???

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Jul 09, 2011
Not over the edge at all
by: CH

Hi Patricia,
You are not over the edge at all...you are experiencing what all of us have felt at some point on this rollercoaster of grief.
None of us signed up for this ride, but we are all on it.

I believe that talking to a grief counselor would do you a world of good. I have been seeing a counselor since my husband died in Dec 2010. Every visit I have a good cleansing cry. I can open up to her about things that family or friends would just not understand. Everyone needs somebody to talk to and since you don't appear to have a support network amongst family and girlfriends you should seek out a counselor that can help. I had a history of anxiety and panic attacks so I have been put on medication and it has helped me tremendously.

I miss my husband just like you miss Billy. Danny was my support for 37 years of my 54 years on this earth. (we were high school sweethearts) My faith tells me I will be with him again some day, but in the meantime I have to find a way to continue on without him & that hurts. We had no children (by choice) and I have lost two of my four siblings suddenly at ages 51 and 53. My family is getting smaller.

However, life does go on...it will NEVER be the life we had with our spouses but a new life that we somehow have to make for ourselves. Sometimes that requires that we reach out to others. You may not think that your brothers or their families can help, but you never know if you don't extend the olive branch.
You always have a supporting family on this site that understand, but face-to-face conversation with a counselor can give you much more comfort from your grief.

Jul 08, 2011
going over the edge??
by: jules

Patricia - I always read your posts, and I feel your pain - I know your pain - I have been there, at times I am still there - 19 (almost 20) months along the journey from hell.

I have made a new life for myself, I didn't go back to the life we had before - that life is gone - never to be again. On the surface, to most people, I look and sound happy and well adjusted, but if it was not for this site, I really don't know where I would be.

I think you need to see a doctor, bite the bullet, ask for help, your mind is in turmoil, how can you see a way forward in this state - you need to get your brain back into balance - you are most likely suffering depression, which is usually a chemical imbalance in the brain, and to fix it you need a chemical to stabilize the balance - please visit your doctor, ask for help, I did, a while ago now, when I walked in, he asked how he could help me, I just burst into tears, said this is what I am doing all the time, I went on to recount what had been happening in my life, Johns death, other things that were happening, etc., and he explained about the chemical imbalance, and how it can happen with shock - i.e., the death of a loves spouse - I was on the medication for about three months - but would not hesitate to go back there if I needed them.
remember - every day - one step, one breath
take care

Jul 07, 2011
Love yourself
by: Annie

Patricia. You have all of us backing you up, listening to you and most of all loving you. When you are at your lowest, please remind yourself that there is a Annie, Yvonne, Pat, Judith, Trish, M Mack and a lot of friends on this site sending you our strength.

Grief is the hardest and longest illness I have ever gone through. It was my protector when my husband was diagnosed, it was my protector when I was told he had no chance of survival, it was also my protector when he died and it was my protector the months following. Then it became my adversary. Hours, days, weeks and months it has left me feeling severe heartache, anger at everything and everybody, days of not wanting to get out of bed, and the days and weeks of loneliness I can hardly bear.

Those of us that have lost our spouse, have lost our roommate, our best friend, our lover, and the person we did everything with. Look at the blows we have received. What is very hard for me is being left alone with myself. My whole married life was built around my husband and then my daughter. My daughter grew up, got married, had children and started her own family. Then it was back to me and my husband. Now he is gone and I am left alone with myself. I have spent the last few weeks getting to know myself again and becoming a best friend to me. I am the only one I can truly depend on and who knows what I am going through. It has not been easy but I am starting to be okay with just me.

The one thing I have learned from all of this is that grief will be with me for the rest of my life. There is no getting around that. I will never know the reason why my husband was chosen to die instead of me and why he died on December 21, 2010. But I have to know there is a new life out there for me with some peace and happiness. Maybe in the future I will meet someone who will need my experience in this grief to help them survive. I don?t know, but I do know I am still here and have to try to make the most of it.

All of us need to stop and realize how strong we all are. In this society where it is easier to just give up, we won?t. We are corresponding on this site, we are helping each other and we are trying to make sense of this madness. We are survivors. We will get up everyday and fight, try to understand what we are going through, and get help when we need it.

Patricia. You hang in there. You are not alone.

Jul 07, 2011
I know
by: yvonne

One year for me is July 13-all I can say is I know. I can't help I don't know what to say - all i can say is I Know.. You are just saying what I feel exactly. I don't dream about Roger-I want to so bad. I am told will get through it. But getting through is all I will do. Like you say and empty shell going through the motions just wanting my life back. I KNOW!!!!

Jul 07, 2011
the edge
by: Pat


First let me say that what you are describing sounds very much like what I am feeling and have felt but have learned to keep quiet about it. That is the joy and strength of this site-you can repeat yourself a zillon times and we all understand it. The general world just expects widows to buck up and get on with it. Talk to virtually any widow who has been widowed for a while and they will say that one year, 18 months etc really isn't very long I'm around 18 months now and I still am not happy. I am lonely, all the time. I just spent the last week on the edge of tears because I can't seem to figure out how to make life better, more colorful, fun, not be bored ans missing Barry all the time. I just don't like this life. All we can do about this is just keep going on from day to day I guess.

In regards to some professional help, if you feel you need it them go for it. There is no shame to seeking medical attention if you need it. In fact it's the smart thing to do. If you broke an arm you certainly wouldn't hesitate to see the orthopedic doctor. This is no different-it's your emotional side that needs some medical attention not the physical side.

You, and all of us, did the very best we possibly could for our beloveds. Don't beat yourself up about what you did or didn't do. Rotten things happen in life and they happen to good people. We just have to soldier on. You can do it and we are here to help.


Jul 07, 2011
Going for Help
by: Judith in California

Pat, I have read and responded to everyone of your posts.
I feel you need the help from a professional. Do you have a minister you could talk with as well? HE/She will help you put things in perspective and help you see the truths from the non-truths.

I have been going ever since my husband passed 10 months ago on the 14th. I too felt guilty about a lot of things in how I handled the stress of being a caregiver. She told me I needed to forgive myself because Chuck had already forgiven me. She had met my husband before he fell and fractured his skull.

I write in a journal every night and pour my heart out. It's becoming harder to find things to say other than I miss you, us and our life together. SO I write of my day and ask him to visit me in my dreams so I can feel as if I still have him. I wasn't ready to let go of him but he just couldn't do anything anymore , even talk so it would have been impossible to care for someone with no communication at all. God knew best for Chuck so my heart had to be broken so that Chuck could go be with God. I can deal with that.

In my opinion Pat, this is not about Billy , it's about you and your health. Billy would not want you to be unhappy . HE is at peace and wants you to be too. We have to believe that God knew best. They are not suffering anymore. We have to go on and and live a good life until we meet them again.

I wish I could meet you and give you a hug.

Jul 07, 2011
Diabetes Is Ugly....
by: TrishJ

Every day brings a new memory and a different pain. I'm struggling just as you are. My cousin Michael passed away last week (my favorite cousin, we were so close growing up) and without Joe here I was a total basket case. I was supposed to speak at his service and I just couldn't do it. My brother had to do it. OK....10 steps back.
Diabetes is such an ugly disease. It slowly attacks a person's body and deteriorates all of their organs. My younger brother passed away from diabetes at the age of 33. The pain killers probably had little or no effect on Billy's death. I'm not a doctor...I'm a nurse and that's just my opinion. Have you asked any MDs how they feel about it? I'm pretty sure they would tell you the same thing. My brother lost one of his eyes, was on kidney dialysis (so weak afterwards he slept for 48 hours~had one mediocre day, then back to dialysis) and was about to have his right leg amputated. Would you have wanted that for Billy? The disease just continues to progress and the person deteriorates to such a pathetic stage it's difficult to be around and see your loved one suffer like that. I know you miss him but try seeing it from God's point of view. He loved Billy and decided it was time to end his suffering. Billy is with him and you will see him again some day.
I miss Joe so much I can't stand it most days. Like you said, the nights are just about unbearable.
If you feel you need some counseling you be the judge of that. Grief is a long process. Be wary of the counselors. I have worked with a few in the past that I really questioned. I've also worked with several who I believe were placed on this earth for the purpose of saving lives. Get a referral from somebody. That's the best thing to do.
As I just passed the 7 month period I don't feel like I'm making a tremendous amount of progress. Unfortunately I know have my cousin's wife to talk to. She knows how this feels. You have to seek out those who have been through this and know the total devastation and heart break it bring.
God bless you Pat.

Jul 07, 2011
Your not going over the edge
by: M Mack


I'm told the 1st year is another wave of grief and pain for most people. I am approaching the 1 year and feel it more now than I did a few months ago. You're lonely for the real thing, the one person who you knew heard and felt your feelings everyday. When we loose the love of our lifetime, we loose ourselves. You should look into counseling and of course, keep writing here. You need to vent and let out whats inside. Crying is a refreshing cleansing as well. There are many places that will offer free or next to nothing counseling. Look into channellingeric.com - Eric communicates with his mother through guides and she share this on the website. When I stumbled upon it I was very skeptic, but I do believe in some of it. So know that Billy is around you and maybe this will give you some comfort. The thought of afterlife is very controversial however, I've found it to be of some counseling for me. My heart goes out to you Pat, for I know what you're going through right now. You have my prayers, which also help me and know that I am going through this same as many of us on this site. We are called the survivors, so we we need to live up to that. Hang in there and don't be so hard on yourself. Practice the one breath, one step, one day at a time motto.

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