Going through life alone, I cannot see an end to my loneliness

by Frankle
(United Kingdom)

When I had just passed my 21st birthday my brother who had been living abroad the last 10 years came back unexpectedly to the UK for treatment for a cancer which he had not been able to treat abroad. The whole experience was horrific and he died when I was coming up to 23 years old (he 32 years old). Then I had just had my 29th birthday when my dad died very suddenly from a brain hemorrhage. When I was about 36 my mum had strokes and she was disabled so I looked after her for approx 5 years or so. I had just had my 42nd birthday and my mum died just before xmas. I was her carer for many years and looked after her single handed, my brother never visited even though being local. Not only have I lost 3 family members through death I don't have the love of the 4th member, my brother, who does not have any interest in me whatsoever so that feels like a death/absent connection almost. I have tried to 'reach' out him but to no avail. I finally faced it, he's not a nice person. I've tried relationships in the hope that I could find myself a mate, a friend only to find they felt nothing for me. I particularly cannot come to terms with the last relationship going wrong after encouraging me into thinking at last I had a friend/partner only to be treated badly, on the abusive side. It makes me feel sad that I am left here without any family. My mum died 5 to 6 years ago now. I get bouts of depression since my mum died, I can't help it. I take medication but its not a magic cure although has helped me a great deal. It seems so unfair I cannot find anyone suitable of my own and very hurtful when I almost feel because of my vulnerability I have been used when trying to find happiness. I cannot see a way out of my loneliness. So every year, summer time, its a lonely life. I go out dancing but due to depression I dont find it easy to keep going out and have spells of stepping out of the arena for a while. I really feel very lonely. I have friends but its not the same as having someone who has known you all your life and who really knows you. I feel stuck. My family is never coming back that is for sure and I can't make that someone special come into my life. I feel sad about it all.

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May 12, 2014
Going through life alone, I cannot see an end to my loneliness
by: Doreen UK

Frankle I am so sorry for the loss of your 3 most important and close family members. One of the worst and most painful aspects of losing our family is THE LONELINESS we now feel. I have always dreaded being lonely and never thought I would ever feel this lonely after losing my husband 2yrs. ago. I felt miserable most of my life, but after therapy/counselling I got my life back. I am a very positive thinker, but it doesn't make me feel less lonely. I guess we are both ISOLATED. Lost people from our life and don't know how to find our way back into happiness and life again.
First thing we will have to face is that we will never know the same level of happiness we had with the people we had in our life. This will change. We will enter a new phase of life where we will have to do it all over again. This is the hard part of life you are now facing. How to find, and put new people in our life. I am having to start this new phase of my life also so you are not alone.
Don't look inward for failings as to why you can't find success in building relationships. Don't base this on the hurt your brother is causing you now by ignoring you. Think outside the box. Your brother may be hurt or just like his own company and this has nothing to do with you. With the internet one should feel less lonely. There are dating sights, and chat rooms, and outlets one didn't have before and there is also forums. They have their place but needing someone in the physical realm is what helps one feel less lonely. WE do need daily interaction and conversation with other people so we feel we are ALIVE. I am having to explore my options here also. I guess it also depends on what part of the country one lives in and what outlets there are for socialising. Even if I couldn't offer you better support I wanted to let you know you are not alone. It is so easy when one feels lonely to look within for failings as to why nothing is working. But try not to do this. It will only drag you down and make you more depressed. Building oneself up is a good starting point. Best wishes.

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