Going through life alone, I cannot see an end to my loneliness
When I had just passed my 21st birthday my brother who had been living abroad the last 10 years came back unexpectedly to the UK for treatment for a cancer which he had not been able to treat abroad. The whole experience was horrific and he died when I was coming up to 23 years old (he 32 years old). Then I had just had my 29th birthday when my dad died very suddenly from a brain hemorrhage. When I was about 36 my mum had strokes and she was disabled so I looked after her for approx 5 years or so. I had just had my 42nd birthday and my mum died just before xmas. I was her carer for many years and looked after her single handed, my brother never visited even though being local. Not only have I lost 3 family members through death I don't have the love of the 4th member, my brother, who does not have any interest in me whatsoever so that feels like a death/absent connection almost. I have tried to 'reach' out him but to no avail. I finally faced it, he's not a nice person. I've tried relationships in the hope that I could find myself a mate, a friend only to find they felt nothing for me. I particularly cannot come to terms with the last relationship going wrong after encouraging me into thinking at last I had a friend/partner only to be treated badly, on the abusive side. It makes me feel sad that I am left here without any family. My mum died 5 to 6 years ago now. I get bouts of depression since my mum died, I can't help it. I take medication but its not a magic cure although has helped me a great deal. It seems so unfair I cannot find anyone suitable of my own and very hurtful when I almost feel because of my vulnerability I have been used when trying to find happiness. I cannot see a way out of my loneliness. So every year, summer time, its a lonely life. I go out dancing but due to depression I dont find it easy to keep going out and have spells of stepping out of the arena for a while. I really feel very lonely. I have friends but its not the same as having someone who has known you all your life and who really knows you. I feel stuck. My family is never coming back that is for sure and I can't make that someone special come into my life. I feel sad about it all.