Golden Son Jack

by Shan
(UK)


Its been six months. My beautiful red haired boy lost his temper and went upstairs and ended his own life. I found him, my other son and I tried to bring him back, the ambulance came, they started his heart but he died 2 days later in hospital surrounded by his family.

We have struggled to cope with our loss, his brother is doing fairly well, his father barely speaks and has lost interest in his business and changed his appearance hiding behind a beard. He also lost his brother (my brother in law) six months previously. He died in front of me from a heart attack, what a year. And I. I am broken hearted. I still weep every day for my beautiful son. I have never known pain like this. My family have been wonderful, I have very close friends who guard me, hold me up, listen to me. My relationship with my mother is strained, there is so much guilt inside me for letting this happen, there is anger and bitter sadness. My best friend is now suffering from depression and won't speak to me because he can't deal with my grief on top of his own problems and I feel bereft all over again and useless that I can't help. My business has suffered and I will be shortly selling up. Life will never be the same as before, life will never be easy and some days I don't want to carry on. I have been diagnosed with depression now and on medication and seeing a counsellor. I am hoping that in the coming weeks I may find a glimmer of hope.

My boy was thoughtful, handsome, 14 years old and six foot tall. He was highly intelligent and musically talented. His death was a tragedy, there were 500 people at his funeral and hundreds of cards and endless floral tributes sent to the house. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child.

Comments for Golden Son Jack

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Jul 19, 2012
Portland, OR
by: Melissa

Hi Shan..

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain you are going through. I lost my beautiful 17 year old son to suicide on February 7th, 2012. It has been 5 1/2 months of unfathomable pain. I never thought I would be grouped into this "suicide survivor" group, but here I am. It's a struggle every day to just get out of bed, let alone take care of his 12 year old sister, the household, and work full time. We are involved in grief counselling and survivor groups. It helps some, but really I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out. If you ever want to talk, vent, cry, scream, I will be here for you.

Apr 29, 2012
i feel for you
by: Anonymous

I have not lost a child but i lost my mother a year ago to cancer 13 days after her diagnosis. Just try the best you can try not to look at the whole day just take it chucks. Your grief is yours never allow anyone to tell you how you should feel or act. I suffer from horrible guilt because I should have seen the signs ealier. My mother used to say that each death leaves us with guilt and with each death a part of us dies with the person we love. You are not alone grief is just Hell no other words describe it. Many days I wonder why God just did not also take me because the pain is just more than I can handle. Words were not invented to describe this pain.

Apr 29, 2012
Golden Son Jack
by: Nancy

What a beautiful way to leave a lasting expression of your son Jack. "Golden Son Jack" Jack left love prints on every one he met the evidence of that was at his funeral - the fact that 500 people showed up. They came to let you know that he touched their lives in a real and meaningful way - and he has now entrusted them the responsibility to go out and pour out to others what he has poured into them. For each of those 500 individuals it maybe a different thing, for some it may be listening skills, some kindness, some gentleness, some music, some tolerance, some acceptance, and we can go on and on. Each one of those individuals at the funeral hall came because they wanted you to know the 'GOLDEN JACK" was a part of who they are - and will continue to be. He will live on in them - and the evidence of that will only be seen in the future of how they choose and how you choose to live your life. Grieving is for a moment - and then joy comes. There is no time table. When we move on we realize that the gift of having our loved one is but that a gift and the hardest part is the letting go - but we never really seem to do that - at least not with complete abandon. 500 individuals touching one life multiply that even by 1 tells you how many lives "GOLDEN JACK" has affected...it is sad that he is gone...but be happy that while he was here he made a positive impact on the world and left LOVE PRINTS on all those around him...you raised well! Be strong!
Let your tears comfort you!
Nancy

Apr 27, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: Anonymous

I just read your story and I'm crying. I too lost my son a little less than three months ago. When I read someone's story here (I'm new) I feel a little less alone, knowing that there are others who are going through the same unbearable pain. My son did not die by suicide, we actually don't have a cause of death yet. But the guilt, I surely can identify with. Everyone can say things to you to try to comfort you, but I realize that there is nothing that can be said to make a mother feel less pain or guilt over the loss of their child. Please know that I'm so very sorry for your loss, your child is BEAUTIFUL in every way. I mourn for you, for your son and for your family. And remember that there are those in this world who truly can understand your pain. I will check back to see if you have posted again. Much love and enormous hugs to you, my friend. We have a common bond that nobody else can understand.

Apr 27, 2012
I know your pain.
by: Karen. Australia,

Hi, Shan,i know exactly how you feel i to lost my beautiful 5ft 8inch son Josh also aged 14yrs old on 17/08/2011 and it gets no better i am so sad and cry all the time.My son didnt take his own life i found him in the shower after a dizzy spell.He was having them for a while and his doctor wouldnt send him for a referral so now we are waiting on the Coroners Report.I know your pain it has been 8 unbearable months for us.I am so sorry for you if you want to talk privately you can email me tascolder007@yahoo.com.au.I would love to talk to someone who has been where i am. Love and wishes to you xx

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