Gone but NEVER Forgotten

by Annie

My name is Annie and I was 20 when I lost my father, he was 49. My father was never sick (had the flu here and there, but nothing more.) He never smoked, drinked or even ate fast foods, yet he suffered from heart failure on Mother’s Day (5-13-12.) I was there when it all happened (he started to turn purple and gasped for air) I couldn’t save him, part of me can’t forgive myself (I want to become a doctor, yet I couldn’t even save my father.) He died at the hospital, 2 hours were spent, his heart would pump on its own, but then it would sink that happened a few times before we were given the option to stop his chest compression because of the pain, we said ok) I know he’s in a better place, but I always wonder why me, am I a bad person who deserves this? Then I think about all of those children who have lost their fathers at a young age and it comforts me that I am not alone. I don’t have many regrets, but I do wish I would have paid more attention to what he used to tell me instead of being on my phone the whole time. Ultimately, I loved my father and he knew that. Life is completely different I feel scared without my protector and I don’t want to face the world, but I know I have to. “Time will heal your broken heart,” is what everyone tells me…I hope so
I have some questions:
-Do you have dreams of your father?
-How do you help a mother cope with the loss of her best friend, her husband?
- Does life really get better?

Comments for Gone but NEVER Forgotten

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Jun 24, 2012
My experiences
by: Sally

Hi Annie,
I'm really sorry about your Dad, I know it hurts a lot.
My Dad became ill and died when I was 21 (Dec 2010), so I thought it might be relevant to share my experiences.

In answer to your questions...
In the year after he died I had quite a few dreams of him that left me feeling exhausted and craving him even more. Not that it wasn't nice to see him, but some were quite disturbing dreams. Apparently dreams of someone like this are because of blocked emotions which made sense as I had bottled all my emotions up at this point.
I had some counselling, which really helped me express my feelings and reconnect with my Dad in my head. I would totally recommend having counselling. It hasn't solved my problems but it helped to talk to someone who understood the gravity of it all just for you and afterwards I felt it was easier to remember my Dad.

My Mum being alone is one of the most painful parts of the whole experience. I am sad for her and I also feel a massive responsibility to look after her, which has been hard because I was and still am living away at uni most of the time. Unfortunately I have found there is little you can do to help except comfort her as best you can, try and remember the good times together and go places.

Does life get better...
It gets different. It becomes easier to cope. I laugh and smile genuinely now. I am no longer constantly angry about his death. But I do think about him everyday. I still cry, although not as often. I guess it becomes more familiar and so the immediate heart broken pain lessens but there is always some sadness. I think it's learning to accept the sadness a bit that helps. And I guess thinking that even though my Dad is gone and I will never get to see him again, his love is still here, sounds soppy but my Dads love is what picks me up, it hasn't died because it's what has made me who I am. Not that it has always been easy to realise that, but eventually it came through.

It's a tiring and painful experience that has changed me forever, but also made me stronger.
I know everyone feels things differently but I thought it might be some help.

Jun 23, 2012
Gone but never forgotton
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Annie
I am so sorry for the loss of your father. At 20yrs. of age is too young for you to go through this. You sound like a mature young woman. Annie you will start off feeling numb. You will grieve in stages each day will throw up so many emotions and pain you will wonder how you can go on without your Dad. You can tell from your post that your Dad loved you very much and you loved him. This Love makes grieving all the more difficult. Annie it does get better but don't rush your grief. It takes one day at a time. Your mother will have a different painfull grief as she has lost a husband. Just like me. 44yrs. married. 3yrs.39days of suffering with an aggressive, inoperable, incurable cancer caused by working with asbestos.
You are NOT ALONE. Death is no respector of age. I hope you all as a family have other family members who can give you the support you need at this time as it does help very much not having to face this pain and loss all by yourself. I would not get through this without my family support.
It is even more sad that your Dad wasn't ill in his life. He didn't smoke, drink, or eat bad fast food. It somehow doesn't seem fair. You must feel anger at this. Remember ANGER is also a part of grief. My husband smoked, drank, and ate some fast food but his cancer was not due to any of these so the Oncologist said. It was purely cutting Asbestos that killed him. I have hardening of the arteries. I need to watch out. I know how you feel that your protector is gone. This is how I feel about the loss of my husband Steve. I don't feel safe. I saw Steve as our Protector. I hope that the days ahead will get better for you and that you don't listen to those people who think you should get over it soon. this is not true. One day at a time and you will know when grief is getting less. Choose your support carefully as people who say the wrong thing can add to your grief. Best wishes.

Jun 23, 2012
I underdstand you
by: Diego

Hi Annie, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your father…my brother past away 3 weeks ago, he was only 26, he was also a healthy man but die from a heart attack “Sudden Death”…I’m so angry with the universe, I even hate the sun at this moment…my brother was my best friend and now a part of my also die that day, this feels like a movie, a bad movie in black & white…I still expect his call on my cell phone, this is not getting better with time, in fact is getting worst…every day is more difficult than the day before. I joined a local grief group and it has helped me a lot, it is always good to talk with people that truly understand your feelings. Wish you all the best and really hope we all can survive these nightmares. My e-mail is descobarledesma@gmail.com in case you need to talk with someone.

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