Gone but not forgotten
2 months ago, I lost my precious baby brother. He was 30 years old. I am 3 years older and we lost our father when I was 12 and he was 9. Our relationship was complicated but no matter what, we loved each other. We both felt the loss of our father so deeply and as we aged, my brother looked and sounded more like him. Now that he is gone I feel like I am not only mourning his death, but also, finally, that of my father. I feel a pain so deep that is indescribable. Not a day goes by that I do not think about my brother. I feel alone and lost. I feel guilty for feeling so much pain and feel like I must hide this pain. I miss him so much.
My brother was deeply troubled and also unhealthy due to a congenital birth defect. His death was an accidental overdose due to a complication of meds and alcohol. Although I know he is now at peace, the selfish part of me just wants him here. I feel guilty that I could not take away his pain.