Gone from having everything to nothing in 4 weeks

by Leah
(Bromley)

A few months ago my partner got a Huge payout and for the past 4 weeks we have been making lots of plans.. We booked a wonderful holiday, we are doing all our house up and was enjoying life.. He worked away for 2 weeks and has been back a week, the change in him is incredible.. I confronted him about it and he told me he has feelings for a a girl he works with and he has never felt happier, he swears nothing has happened but since then I don't recognize him, it's like living with a stranger.. He said there has been some flirting but nothing physical.. He said he is so confused he doesn't know what to and maybe just needs time.. A the days are passing he is becoming more and more detached to me, we also have a 12 son together.. He told me that he would help me and my son find somewhere else to live if we split up but I said I'm not leaving, I've been told that because my name is not on the house/mortgage I have no rights to stay.. I'm devastated as my mum is dying as well and he has just cut me off, I can't cope.. Please give me some advise!! I would leave bug I have nothing and nowhere to go xx

Comments for Gone from having everything to nothing in 4 weeks

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Jul 18, 2013
Gone from having everything to nothing in 4 weeks.
by: Doreen U.K.

Leah I ran out of space. part 2.
I endorse everything PAT has said to you. She is spot on. I couldn't put it the way she has done so I won't expand on her post to you.
You have a mother who is dying and this grief carries its own sorrow. Your partner should have supported you here. Not run off to enjoy himself with holidays and girls. His money will run out be sure of this. Then what will he have? He needs a REALITY CHECK! and he is about to get it. He is probably a man who doesn't like COMMITTMENT or RESPONSIBILITY. Or DOES HE KNOW WHAT THIS IS??. He either has to make a commitment to you or move on with his life without you. It will feel daunting looking at the problem. Separate this problem in stages and handle it in each stage as Pat has outlined in her post it will feel a lot easier.
Counselling will help build up your self esteem. THINK SUCCESS and it will happen for you. Your partner will one day envy you and want you back. But hold your head up high and tall. Get strength from others who are in the same situation. You are probably feeling scared and insecure at this time. But it won't last once you have put a plan in action. Try and get some support for yourself because you are handling the whole problem of nurturing your son and trying to do it well. Your son is at a crucial age where he will need the nurturing and mentoring skills of a man. Boys need this security. See if you have a brother, uncle or anyone in your family who can step in and take this pressure off you. Get emotional support for you coping with a mother who is dying. If you live in the UK then CRUSE can help you here. Keep in touch for further support from us on this site.

Jul 18, 2013
Gone from having everything to nothing in 4 weeks.
by: Doreen U.K.

Leah what you are going through is the worst cruelty a man can do to a woman. Your partner is facing a crisis he caused. As the saying goes. "Birds fly over our heads but we can stop them nesting in our hair." Your partner has choices. If nothing physical has taken place with this other girl,then you can work with him by TALKING. Let him know that you love him but won't tolerate his cheating on you. Be Assertive but not begging as if you need him. Show your partner that you will let him Go if this is what he wants but you are not happy about this and what he is doing to you and your son. You have feelings and he is destroying them and you won't let him do this. ask him. "What are your intentions?" He should be clear about what he wants to do. If he wants someone else there is nothing you can do to be with him. Let him provide for you and your son and try and get help with accommodation. Try and get some counselling (on a sliding scale) so you can be supported emotionally. If your partner decided to leave make him understand that he won't be able to come back. State clearly that You have enough self respect to not let yourself be USED. (playing hard to get may make him think twice about leaving). Once he moves on with his life you move on with your life. It may just be better. It is painful to lose someone you love but if he doesn't love you enough he was never yours in the first place. Your life doesn't necessarily end when he leaves. It may just be the beginning of something better. Only You can make this happen. Establish boundaries so you are not hurt. by communicating what you need and don't want out of a relationship and what you will tolerate.
Regarding your name not being on the mortgage or deeds doesn't necessarily mean you are not entitled to be regarded here. You could come under the classification as common law wife. You may still have rights. Whatever you do don't make demands or ultimatums. They seldom work and will only make your partner angry. Have a plan and stick to it. If your partner decides to stay then make plans for you to be on his mortgage. You have rights and you need to make yourself and your son feel secure. I wonder if having this money changed his outlook on life? One reason Money is the root of all evil. People can have money and use it wisely and usefully. But your partner is letting his money rule him. When it runs out as it will then see what happens. This girl he is hooked up with just may take it all or teach him lessons that he will realise then what he has done to you. Your partner was content before the money came to him. The money has made him discontent. See what has happened from this perspective. It will diffuse a lot of hurt and anger for you. Write back with an update and support.

Jul 17, 2013
Money isn't Everything
by: Judith in California

Dear Leah, you say you had everything. Think about this...he never married you - he never put your name on the property - he never honored your son by marrying his mother. Henlies to you aout his affair. It appears that the only way to know if he is lying is when he's talking.

Why would you stay with a immature man ike that? What about you feels you don't deserve better in life ? For your son or yourself?

Pretty soon his payout will be gone and then he'll loose that girl too but that is not your concern. You must first and foremost take are of your son and you. Please heed Pat's advise and learn to do for yourself. HE is not going to change. You have to and by your saying you aren't leaving is saying you'll put up with his B/S and disrespect yourself as he s doing. You are emotionally abused by his behavior and lack of treatment of you. Get you and your son out of that environment and begin a better life with peace and strength.

God be with you.

Jul 17, 2013
Dear Leah,
by: Pat

I ran out of space to finish my message. So this is part 2.

Your partner does not know how to commit. He will likely stray, if not with this woman at his job, but someone else. The signs are all there. If you move first, you will feel a much stronger sense of self-empowerment. Get help right away. Go to a local social service agency, church, or mental health agency. Tell them you need housing, help with job placement and at least temporary public assistance. This will not be easy, but you can do it. You need people on your side and you certainly aren't getting it from a partner who can only say he will help you find another place to live.

Again, I send you many hugs and blessings. I hope to hear from you again. Pat

Jul 16, 2013
Dear Leah,
by: Pat

I am so sorry for what has happened in your life. When we have long-term relationships, we tend to identify ourselves as the "other half of the couple." This is very normal, but, in truth, we are all individuals. You will have to look at yourself in the mirror and decide who Leah is and how you will move forward. I have to warn you that I am a trained counselor, but I am not on this site to give advice. However, my suggestions will naturally come from my experience. I am here because I am dealing with my own losses. It helps to communicate with others who are going through the same thing. I went through a very painful divorce years ago, but I am a better woman for it.

It may sound harsh, but you do have to confront yourself and decide what you want. You say you have nothing and don't know what to do. Nothing could be further from the truth. You recognize there is a problem and you are reaching out for help. That shows strength. I do not have room, here, to give you step by step advice, but you need to see a counselor who will help you decide whether you want to stay with a man who has probably cheated on you or is about to and a man who has never totally committed to you because he did not marry you. He also did not put your name on the mortgage. To me, the signs are there that he does not know how to commit. He is also telling you that by saying he is confused. It is not your responsibility to fix him. You have to take care of yourself and your son. A counselor can help you find job skills and job placement, as well as a place to live. If your name is not on the house mortgage, you probably do not have a legal right to it. You would really have to ask an attorney to be sure.

Leah, there is no such thing as nothing and nowhere to go. We all have choices. It will probably help you gain strength and self-esteem to move out, look after your mother and your son, and move forward with your own life. Another sign I see in your partner's sense of irresponsibility is that he got a huge sum of money and used it to play around and take vacations, instead of making a firm committment to you and his son and building a firm foundation for your life as a family. Now, he has feelings for another woman and is "confused." Leah, you do not want or need this heartache. Find your way out of this. Get public assistance, if you have to, until you can land a job. This man is not dependable.

Leaving will be tough, but, in the long run, you will feel much better without having to live with a man who cannot make a clear decision about the woman he has been with for many years, as well as his own son. He is leaving you tetering on a fence. If you go on your own, you will be able to make your own decisions and know exactly where you are. You are also facing the loss of your mother. You do not need the grief of a man who cannot be a source of support for you.

I send you many hugs and blessings. Please write and let us know how you are doing. Pat


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