Gone Home to thr Father

by mama
(usa)

My beautiful 26 year old daughter went to sleep on Nov. 16 of last year and never woke again. The autopsy and toxicology reports showed that she was perfectly healthy. It's been 7 months now and I still can't wrap my mind around it. I was so shocked!!!! I don't sleep, don't eat, and having health issues because of the stress of not knowing anything. I don't know what to do, what to think, how to act, and the worst thing is everyone thinks I shouldn't talk about her. That I should quit crying and cope. I cry every day and it is just like it happens over again every day. I have stuff for anxiety but it doesn't help much. I'm thankful it was quick but how am I supposed to live the rest of my life without her?

Comments for Gone Home to thr Father

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Nov 20, 2013
grief counselor is good, if you find one
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your pain, as I am for mine...just wanted to share I had to look for a grief counselor in my area...I did not want a regular counselor because I needed someone who could help me, not just listen. I found someone locally by looking in the phone book and then researching credentials on the internet. I didn't want to repeat myself or see different counselors, as some offices advocate (I am in pain and do not want to tell my story over and over, just barely can verbalize to ask for help!) So, though some ministers are good at counseling and if you are familiar and it works for you, great, but since you do not have that available, try the route I went. Many insurances offer counseling so you can see what services may be free or low-cost to you. Best...Joe's mom missing Joe every day too.

Jul 14, 2013
For Bill taking up my offer of support U.K.
by: Doreen U.K.

Hi Bill You are more than welcome to any support I can give you for however long you need this. My email is doreenelkington@aol.com we will take it from there and when I hear from you I will be able to help you further.
Looking forward to hearing from you. Doreen.

Jul 14, 2013
Grief
by: Bill.

I would like to take up your offer of support Doreen u/k if possible.I too live in u/k.

Jul 13, 2013
My Baby Girl
by: Doreen U.K.

Mama, I am so sorry for your loss and how you are left to cope with what is so very difficult for you. Counsellors should be trained in areas that can support someone in pain so they ask the right questions and they can work at a deep level to bring things buried up to the surface, explore this and once things come up to the surface they will never bother you again. Most people who can't forget their past are often told to just forgive. This is wrong. I went into counselling in my 40's and resolved the losses from my past and forgiveness was never brought up. Most of the pain evaporated once it was explored and never bothered me again. I am a stronger person today and coping with the loss of my husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago from cancer. I actually went to train for bereavement counselling but going in to hospital meant I couldn't catch up with the training so had to drop out. Your pastor you said was young and inexperienced. Most of counselling is just listening. and trying to encourage a person. But often skills are also used and needed so trained counsellors do a good job if they do it well and their clients are benefited and can move forward. Mama I am sorry for you having no one to support you here. Try your doctor and see if some centres do counselling on a sliding scale fee that is affordable. Or find a grief group and get together you will gain the best support here rather than on your own. Don't forget this site and write as often as you need to. Best wishes.

Jul 13, 2013
Grief over daughter
by: Doreen U.K.

Bill you say you are experiencing panic attacks daily and don't know what to do? You also don't want to be here in this world? This is because you are facing the worst pain in your life and don't know how to cope with this. Because you are a Guy doesn't mean you should be strong enough to cope and know the answers. WE DON'T. We find out through experience and talking to others. You could seriously benefit from seeing a counsellor. You will also learn coping mechanisms for dealing with panic attacks. Keep plenty of paper bags. It must be paper bags. when an attack comes on breath into this bag. You should immediately feel calmer. Do this every time you have a panic attack. But do try and get counselling. You will get on top of this. Panic attacks won't control you. You will be in control of them until they stop. AND THEY WILL. Working with a counsellor you will be able to explore your internal world and so be helped in more ways than you can imagine. Don't beat yourself about what is happening. Do something positive and you will reap the rewards. I HAVE DONE THIS FOR MYSELF starting in my 40's. I can't tell you how good I feel now. I am coping better than I would have done after losing my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 14 months ago. Best wishes and please write back with an update and if you need more support.

Jul 12, 2013
Grief Over Daughter.
by: Bill

Mama I am exactly like you in every sense of what you describe your feelings over my daughter.I can not function from day to day and I am now experiencing panic attacks on a daily basis which are frightening with the breathing issues.I feel sorry for my wife Sandra because as much as she tries with me and she fully understands my trauma nothing is helping me and I am frightened it is now my mental state which is at risk.What am I going to do I am at a complete loss on how to get myself in a better place for my families sake.In being truthful I don't want to live anymore in this world and I hate myself for saying those words for even thinking that kind of action but I just want my mind to be peaceful in thought.

Jul 11, 2013
Behind the close doors
by: Anonymous

My son died when he just turned 22 from heroin overdose. We fight his addiction for 5 years. We find his dead body with my youngest son. I was horrified to find my beautiful son dead. It started with marihuana, then pain killers, methadone and finally heroin. My son denied the addiction, we tried everything : councilors, rehabs no help at all. He got in trouble, put on probation for 2 years, violated and put in jail for 2 month. After release he relapsed in 1 month, overdosed and saved by his "friend". Exactly a month after first overdose he died from overdose. We found his body behind the close door. How many close doors we gonna find?

Jul 06, 2013
I wish....
by: Anonymous momma

I wish we could all meet at my house. We would cry a lot and probably surprise ourselves and have a few laughs too. We would be more understanding than anybody else has been able to be to "our kind of pain." But even that said-it is so different for each of us. I feel like I am left alone too much and that is when my thoughts and memories have their way with my brain and on those days I cry a lot. Then I say to myself-well you should be crying a lot this thing that has happened really stinks. I can't have you to my house, but I can have you in my prayers...a 'blanket' prayer for all of "us." Talk about your sweet girl and who ever doesn't like it can go. Your true friends will listen. If you feel alone, know that you never really are, and I too talk to myself and my son's memory with the hopes that he hears. If that makes me (us) crazy then crazy is where we need to be. Heal in your own time and nobody else's....peace to you.

Jul 05, 2013
gone home to the FATHER
by: silver

I can't begin to know your kind of grief.I lost a child when I was about 5-6 wks and that was hard enough.I am blessed that my children still live and I still have contact with them.My mother,father,and husband died in a 17 month period and I got the same platitudes."It's been over a yr./Get on with your life./Don't talk about them if it makes you cry." etc. BALONY!The person who says it takes 2 yrs is close to right.The avg person takes at least 18 months.Some take shorter and some longer.My darling husband used to say,"It never goes away,but it does get easier."His mother died the yr before we got married.We were married 33 yrs.Even as little as a yr before he died.He shed a tear here and there on Mothers Day and her birthday.You get to the place when you can function again eventually.He has been dead for 2 yrs now and I am finally beginning to live again.Don't let anyone stop you from talking about her.It keeps her memory alive.I feel that if I can't talk about my loved ones,it's like they didn't exist.So I talk whether they like it or not.I even talk to them my self.I believe they are looking down at me and can hear me when I tell them I miss them and look forward to seeing them again.GOD send you strength and peace.I continue to keep you,me and others like us in my prayers.

Jul 05, 2013
Re: Gone Home
by: Debbie, NC

Everyone thinks you shouldn't talk about her? They really don't understand; do they? When you lose someone, sharing memories of that person is what reaffirms that he/she mattered; that he/she won't be forgotten. And how can you be expected to move on after only a few months? What I read after losing first my son, and later my daughter, said that it usually takes at least 2 years to really start recovering from the loss of a child, regardless of age. So I say: Go ahead and grieve! Take as long as you need, and find someone who is willing to listen, and to share their memories of your child with you. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel better to hear that others miss my kids too.

Jul 05, 2013
My Baby Girl
by: mama

I like to talk about her. She was so talented. a nurse an artist, an ASL interpreter, and spoke Japanese fluently. She loved her patients and would go by their homes or places of work to check on their progress. There were so many people at her funeral I didn't know but they introduced themselves to me and told me how much my Krissy touched their lives. I am so thankful to find people who understand what I am feeling. I guess the fact that we had to get through Thanksgiving, my son's birthday, Christmas, our anniversary, and her birthday made it even worse.
New year's eve and new year's day we spent crying. I have no way to get counseling since my Pastor doesn't do that very well. He is young and inexperienced and even said he doesn't like to do grief counseling. If I do get any counseling it's over the phone with a former Pastor who lost hid baby son about 5 years ago. He is busy with his church members though so I just do the best I can on my own. God help me. Thanks for your help and I hope to keep talking to you for a long while. Mama

Jul 04, 2013
Gone Home to the Father
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your daughter. It doesn't matter how old our children are we will never get over the loss of them. A mother carries a child inside her womb attached by the umbilical cord and she bonds with that child before it is born and then she rears that child with all of the love she can. She would give her life for that child and there is no way she can be expected to get over this loss EVER. Those people who cruelly tell you to be done with your grief do not know what they are talking about. It is adding insult to injury. This is another assault on you and you don't need it. Counselling may help for a while, and meds just numb the pain for so long. The only place to run to is into the arms of God who is the only person who can help you get through the pain and sorrow. God gave you that daughter and God took her back to himself. Release your pain to God who is the only person who can HEAL you from your sorrow. Grief is like being cut with a scalpel and you are left all open to bleed till you can't contain the loss anymore. For me too. My every muscle and veins hurt. I cannot contain the pain and wonder how I get through another day. But when I can't reach God He has to come down to me at my level. You will go through days when it is O.K. and days when you can't bear to breathe again because it hurts too much. Tell God you can't stand the pain anymore you need His help. He will meet you where you are. Lean into God when there is nowhere else to run to.

Jul 04, 2013
I understand
by: Carol, Seans Mom

When I read your story I was shocked. My 24 year old son Sean went to bed November 13th, 2011 and never woke up. They called his death the perfect storm. It destroyed my life. I struggle with everything now. First of all, I just miss him. He was the light of my life. My oldest child and only son. I try for my two daughters but I wanted to live with my three children forever. I never imagined this happening and like you have questions that will never be answered. I can still see him and hear him. I miss my life!

Jul 04, 2013
Your daughter
by: Kate

I feel your loss,I know your pain. I lost my son 7 months ago,he was 39. Yesterday was his birthday and there was no party,we groped through the day stumbling through each hour.
Losing your child whom you love is so difficult! Ours was "accidental death" . So hard to accept that they are gone!!
Our lives will never be the same. We have to learn to live without them and the learning to accept is hard!! It is painfully hard. On here we do understand where others do not. People want us to heal and don't know how hard it is. On this site we do understand,and care. Your daughter was so special to you and death is cruel. Death can make us mad too,Why is always present. Somehow we have endured this far by the grace of God. Somehow we survive what we feel we can't do. Together we mourn the loss of our children on here. You can vent cry out and seek love here,I am thankful for this site! It helps us get our grief out because it is so hard to carry. My heart goes out to you. I understand. We cry together on here. God be with you in this hard journey.

Jul 03, 2013
every day is june 30
by: Malgosia

Dear one, I feel your pain. My son, my only child went to sleep on june 30 2012. For me, every day is june 30... how do you deal with loosing child? Well meaning people don't understand the pain, there is no time limit on grief, who ever think there is -never lost child, never buried they heart. I cry every day to. I also take meds, and I cry and i stayed with out one friend, i was tired of people telling me how I suppose to feel. You cry , you talk, you do what you have to do, it is your pain, it is your loss, it is part of YOUR heart gone, don't listen to people telling you what to do-they don't mean harm, they just don't know.

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