Gone too soon

by michelle
(NSW)

My mother died in 2002 from cancer, when I was only 8 years old. I didn't know what was going on because no one would tell me anything. I saw her a couple times but I didn't know that I would ever see her again. I knew that hospitals is where you go when you are really sick but it never crossed my mind because every time I was there they would make me laugh and my mother would give me her frozen orange cup.

I wasn't there when she passed away, I was sleeping over my favourite cousin's house with my sisters. When my dad came to tell us the bad news a few days later I had forgotten all about my mother being in the hospital because of how much fun I was having. We were playing outside so my dad took me and my sister away from everyone else while they watched, knowing what was coming. My other 2 sisters and brother knew before I did about what happened. After he told us to go get our shoes and that we were going home. My sister already had her shoes on so, tears running down my face I went to go get them. My older cousin and a family friend saw me crying while I was getting my shoes and they asked what was wrong. My exact words were "my mummy died." I ran to the car and after that I don't remember much.

8 years later and I am still going through my grieving process. I don't feel like myself and whether you believe me or not, I am not aware of what I say or do. It feels horrible and although I still laugh a little it is always short-lived. When I do laugh for a while, tears start swimming down my face without me being able to control it.

I take care of my sisters and brother in every way that I can even-though they are all older than me. 2 years after my mum died my dad remarried to a woman who likes pulling apart my family. I still love my father but not as much as before he remarried. My favourite cousin's mother is my god mother but I never see them anymore because my step mum had a huge fight with them. I lost another part of me when that happened because we were all very close. I am in year 8 suffering from a miserable life.

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Sep 02, 2010
Young and Clueless
by: Michelle

Before I start, I'm actually 14, i just got mixed up because I was in year 2 at the time, sorry.
It is very hard for me but I cannot seek a counselor because I don't want anybody to find out.

When I went to the funeral, I thought it was just another thing like Easter or something like that. I remember thinking while everybody was crying. I was sitting next to my godmother and my oldest sister, with both of them crying, when my sister looked at me and tried to smile. She told me that I was very brave and that's when I put the pieces together.

After the funeral, I went straight to my room and started crying. No one knew that I was crying because I pretended to be asleep. I didn't want anybody to say that it was going to be alright and that it will get better when I'm older. I need my mum more than ever now that I'm in high school. I want to tell her everything I do each day and I want to hear her yell at me so that I can hate her for a day just like all teenagers do.

I am so angry at God for taking her away, she was like my angel and now I have no one. If he really was up there why would He take someone who has a family to take care of? I love and miss her sooooooooo much everyday and although I have stopped crying myself to sleep I still feel horrible.

I had a nightmare last week that God gave me my mother back but then she didn't want me anymore and neither did my godmother. I committed suicide. I woke up at 3:00am hot and sweaty with red, crying eyes. Since I share a room with my sister, I didn't want to wake her so I went downstairs and seeked comfort from my best friend and dog, Foxy. I have always loved animals because they always help me. Foxy licked my tears away and made me laugh.

I think it was the worst that every time people would come over to give comfort they would hug me and start crying and telling me it would be okay. It wasn't and it isn't. I don't believe that it will get better in time because it has been a long time for me and I'm still not over it yet.

Aug 30, 2010
Healing to you
by: kay

Dear Michelle,

As I read your story I am so sad, you have suffered enough.....no doubt you will forever miss your mother, and it is a shame that you have lost contact with your godmother who you loved and your cousins. You should seek to talk to someone at school a counselor or someone to confide in darling. I send you my love and I know what pain is because my son was 23 and he was killed in May this year. I am talking to a professional person...it has helped me a little. 8 years is a long time to be so sad. I hope you soon find peace. I am thinking of you, xox

Aug 30, 2010
Grief Caught up with you..
by: HH

I don't know how a child deals with grief exactly. I have a 12 year old that misses his dad who passed last Dec. But he tries to help me. And you try to help and raise your sisters though you are only 16.

You never took the time to grieve and you need to let it out. Counseling? Trying to be the mom of the house, it's all too much for a young lady like you. Given the fact that you have a step mother that is less than helpful, in fact perhaps threatened/ jealous by this. You need help to patch your poor soul back together. 8 years, you should be in a fond memory phase. Not grieving like day 1.

Please seek help from a school counselor and she can direct you toward a recovery from grief. Where to go....I wish you happiness and much of it; you deserve it!

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