Gone too soon

by michelle
(NSW)

My mother died in 2002 from cancer, when I was only 8 years old. I didn't know what was going on because no one would tell me anything. I saw her a couple times but I didn't know that I would ever see her again. I knew that hospitals is where you go when you are really sick but it never crossed my mind because every time I was there they would make me laugh and my mother would give me her frozen orange cup.

I wasn't there when she passed away, I was sleeping over my favourite cousin's house with my sisters. When my dad came to tell us the bad news a few days later I had forgotten all about my mother being in the hospital because of how much fun I was having. We were playing outside so my dad took me and my sister away from everyone else while they watched, knowing what was coming. My other 2 sisters and brother knew before I did about what happened. After he told us to go get our shoes and that we were going home. My sister already had her shoes on so, tears running down my face I went to go get them. My older cousin and a family friend saw me crying while I was getting my shoes and they asked what was wrong. My exact words were "my mummy died." I ran to the car and after that I don't remember much.

8 years later and I am still going through my grieving process. I don't feel like myself and whether you believe me or not, I am not aware of what I say or do. It feels horrible and although I still laugh a little it is always short-lived. When I do laugh for a while, tears start swimming down my face without me being able to control it.

I take care of my sisters and brother in every way that I can even-though they are all older than me. 2 years after my mum died my dad remarried to a woman who likes pulling apart my family. I still love my father but not as much as before he remarried. My favourite cousin's mother is my god mother but I never see them anymore because my step mum had a huge fight with them. I lost another part of me when that happened because we were all very close. I am in year 8 suffering from a miserable life.