good bye to my dad

by your daughter

My dad passed away after a brief illness. I was with him alone when he started slipping away. My sister joined me at the end....when his heart monitor started to flat line.
I had a love/hate relationship with my dad.
As a 5 year old when he married my mom I was so happy to finally have a dad.
I had no idea how strict he would be and how much his anger would scare me.
I learned how to adapt to his moods. I tried very hard to be perfect but sometimes would fail. I craved attention but was not that successful in attaining it.
My dad was very creative....he was a weekend artist. He worked as a designer during the week. He could build anything.
He taught me how to analyze problems and solve them.
He had a sensitive and spiritual side that I really was able to connect with when I was age 8 to age 10. We even gave each other the same book for Xmas one year.
My dad had a very rough start in his life. He was illegitimate in the 20's. he had huge rejection issues. Sometimes I think he thought he didn't deserve to be here.
He really learned growing up that love was abuse as he was always in trouble and could never do it good enough for his mother no matter how hard he tried.
He passed on this pattern to me that love is abuse. It was unconscious. I have had to do quite a bit of therapy to recover from my childhood.
So as you can see my love/hate relationship with my dad has been very painful to me. I did forgive him for his humanness though and thanked him for all of the good he taught me. I now have to grieve him. The good and the bad.
I do love you dad and I miss you. I am so sorry you had such a hard life. I am sorry your mother rejected you. I am sorry your wife rejected you. I am especially sorry if you lived only your fate and never found your true destiny. I do not understand the complexity of life and death. I am not sure if you were only here to live the experiences you had or if it was your soul's desire to rise above them. I know that having you as my father taught me to have the courage to find my true self and heal my wounds. Your impatience taught me patience. Your anger taught me self control. Your sensitivity taught me how to be vulnerable. Your love of animals taught me to respect all life. I pray that you are finally at peace and as we said at your deathbed....give us a sign from the other side and let us know what it is like.

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