Goodbye love, hello grief

by Julia
(Laguna Beach)


I met my girl in college as a freshman. We were assigned roommates in our college. We were friends for one year and then for the summer I went to her house in Minnesota. Before we left for MN we ended up kissing in our dorm room. I had fallen in love even before we kissed. She was my best friend and now my girlfriend. It was all exciting and also confusing especially being Christian and going to a Christian college. We had the best time in MN and I knew she was going to be mine for life but I of course thought we would have to go back to being just fiends at some point and follow God. So 8 years flew by with so many amazing memories, she was the love of my life. I started to not be able to imagine life without her. Then at some point we became depressed because we did not know what to do. Should we tell our families about us or should we break up. So much depression came from inability to come to terms if we can be gay and Christian at the same time. I guess we both felt we couldn't. We started to have depression and started fighting more and more. As her family found out we became more isolated. Then finally after 8 years my family found out also and completely disowned her and said we never want to see her forever. We were both so devastated and didn't know how to live with this kind of isolation. As I became angry and confused she became withdrawn and distant. Her love for me was depleting and she started to feel trapped by my constant dependence on her. We started talking a lot about breaking up. I initiated talking about breaking up but now I realize I did that because I felt a lack of love from her or a lack of wanting to continue the relationship. I became so angry that I finally told her that if she wasn't happy that she should just break up with me and that I love her and was happy. She took that opportunity and broke up with me a day before her birthday. I was so devastated my heart ripped in half. I kept tellin her that I loved her and that I didn't want to break up. I asked her for us to go to counseling. She was way past it. Later on after many attempts to get back with her I had realized that she had been withdrawn and depressed because she had probably started her grieving months ago about the end of our relationship. So as we broke up and as I kept coming to her house I would find her exercising or going to the beach. It was as if 8 years of our love and pain had not happened. As if the love we fought for so many years did not even exist. I was so heart broken my heart literally felt like it was being ripped in half. I literally went crazy in my mind. My grief was so painful I felt like I was dieing inside. I cried and yelled for months and months. I would chase her and look for her all over the city. She continued to run from me as if I was a criminal and not the girl who loved her for 8 years of my life. I was in so much denial and pain I didn't know what happened. I felt like I could not keep living. I wrote her so many letters, I called her so many times. I laid in bed for 1 whole year only got up to go to work and to buy food if necessary. I was nauseaous for 6 months and only ate bread, cheese, yogurt and anything else that taste plain. It was so hard to swallow. It is now two years later and I still cry almost everyday. I am letting go as I keep trying to believe. We've seen each other maybe 5 or so times in the past 2 years and she seemed to consider getting back when it was tough on her but then as I act desperate when I see her she seems to back away again and say no I can't go back and I believe she has said she is not in love with me any loner but she still loves me. I have asked her to be friends but my pain continues to return when we see each other and I start going through all the stages of grief again and she appears to be doig just fine except when she drinks she sounds depressed overall about her life but not necessarily that our relationship is over. We both have not reconciled being gay and being Christian so I believe she thinks that we can never be happy and content with God if we were together. I honestly don't know anything except that I still love her and I still believe in God. I have dated a man for the past year but he is in prison and I thought I could potentially get married if everything continues to go well wih us but as I saw her again as a friend my grief started all over again and when my grief came any love feelings that I had for the man I was dating went away. I have told him that I am still grieving and everything that is going on. He knows the whole situation and is very supportive. He did not picture that I would break up with him because we almost got engaged. But now I am just back to grieving and that is all I can do. He will be possibly getting out of prison and I told him that I would like to possibly continue our relationship when he gets out or when I am done grieving. I am so confused and all I feel is pain at this time. I can't understand who I love or who I am supposed to love or what God wants me to do. At this time I have decided to not talk to him or attempt to talk to her but continue to focus on healing. The lat time that I ha asked her to meet with me on my birthday or hers she has denied me and is not writing me back anymore. He is upset that I broke our relationship and he felt that I could grieve while I am in a relationship with him but I felt that while I was with him I could not finish my grieving process and also I felt that opening my heart to love was too painful. I honestly keep feeling that I don't know if I could get over my grief ever and that I don't want to love anymore. This has been so hard for me to share my story because I was afraid to write it because somehow to write it down is to again confirm that it happened. I was afraid to have it hurt me even more than I am hurting already. But as I finish writing it I somehow feel a release. I have done counseling and have also read about 15 books on grief since we broke up. I have also attended a divorce grief group. These thins have all helped me in some ways but as I keep being in grieving I am starting to think that I have what is called complicated grief or grief that is not going away and may not go away and it has been like depression. I am praying for healing everyday. I have also started meditation through different online meditation grief recording that are guided. This has also provided some relief when I cannot sleep until the morning. thank you everyone for reading my story and any comments or help is appreciated. I am so grateful many days that I am still alive and have not developed some kind of illness due to my intense grieving process but of course there are those days where I wish I was just free from this life and not here. I can say when I have my good days I feel some hope that I am getting better. Please also pray for me if anyone thinks of it. My name is Julia.

Comments for Goodbye love, hello grief

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Jul 30, 2013
thanks u
by: Julia

Thank you Doreen for your encouragement, I'm still fighting for the time being.

Jul 19, 2013
Goodbye love, hello grief
by: Doreen U.K.

Part 2
My husband and I lived in marriage for 44yrs. despite both sides of our family trying to break us up. We would have been denied a life together. Now I have 3 Adult children (2 married)who have both married Non Christians despite being brought up with a Christian upbringing. I was unhappy about this, but I never interfered. I accept what has happened and will always be available for my children. My husband died 14 months ago of cancer but he died a Christian and was anointed the day he died. Any suffering I endured from life was worth knowing my husband is saved and I will see him again. This was always important to me. The reason I live because the next life is what God is preparing for those who Love Him and Serve Him in OBEDIENCE to HIS COMMANDS.
As Christians Persecution and distress comes with the territory of being a Christian.
When we SIN God does not even hear our Prayers. We have to REPENT (turn away from our sin) and only then can we be restored to right relationship with God.
So despite the grief you are going through you can only LEAN HARD ON THE BOSOM OF GOD. Find mercy and Healing from God. Don't Leave God's presence till He hears you and you are back in God's presence. We all as Christians find times when we feel forsaken by God. Even Jesus did. He uttered from the cross. "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me."
I had a rebellious Son (My Prodigal). He hated going to Church he saw this as a punishment. he never saw I was trying to be a good Mom and steer him in the right direction. Most of his depression and trials are his responsibility for doing it his way and not God's way.
WE will often not be spared depression and sorrow in Life. Our Grief will be great. Read the account of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and see the battle he went through with Grief of a different kind but still grief. He was about to give up His life for us. Which is why what I do or we do in life we do it for God through OBEDIENCE Honouring the sacrifice He made for us. It doesn't end there. God can restore all of us so we can be with Him when He comes back for us to give us ETERNAL LIFE. Fully understanding this we will have no reason to doubt God. God is the one who lives out His righteousness in us and all we can do is be connected to HIM. When we fail. We repent. Ask for forgiveness and go on doing our best. The earth is our temporary home. Heaven is our eternal Home. Give your Grief to God and let him bring about the change in you. DON'T EVER GIVE UP!! Keep being an OVERCOMER. This is all God asks of us. Best wishes.

Jul 19, 2013
Goodbye love, hello grief
by: Doreen U.K.

Julia you said You are a Christian and go to a Christian college and you are confused about your relationship. Did it ever occur to you that God may be speaking to you, to bring you out of a relationship He cannot endorse.
Being a Christian is not easy and I can tell you even when standing up for what is right you endure more pain. Pain and depression is also part of being a Christian. One is not immune from this because they are a Christian. The devil is out to claim our lives and prevent us from living with Jesus so he is not for us but against us.
Jesus will always Love the Sinner but hate the SIN. God expects us to be PURE and ready to meet him and I guess this is the bottom line. What does God want of us? and what do we want? I guess some parents who live a staunch Christian life will feel hurt by the choice of lifestyle their children have chosen so they cannot tolerate this and so ostracised you from their life. I feel sad about this. Parents should go on loving their children but state clearly that they cannot tolerate what God cannot tolerate. We can't have one foot in the Church and for God and one foot in the world and doing it this way. This is when confusion and depression creep in. Just part of this on going battle with SIN and righteousness. God cannot tolerate any sin. whether being gay or committing murder or even hating one's neighbour, they are all the same in God's eyes. God did not condone a GAY lifestyle for his creation. He chose woman for Man. this is why we will have a battle and confusion when we choose against God's commands. God made a point by destroying Sodom and Gommorah. He did it for a reason. WE must have WEPT when He did it. We are a family of 5 girls and one boy. My brother became GAY but none of his sisters would ever judge him or ostracise him. He battled within himself whilst my mother (who is now dead) battled in prayer for his soul. But I do understand how some parents can feel that a lifestyle choice of being gay could go against all their belief system and not want to bring disgrace on the family who worship God because people talk and make one's life a misery. Almost as if the parents condoned this lifestyle. I guess it is hard. I would never disown my children if they were Gay. God also says DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED WITH UNBELIEVERS. And many do. I was told I could not marry unless my husband became a Christian. My husband became a Christian because prior to this he had an encounter with God before I ever did. I was JUST IN THE CHURCH. My husband was not a practising Christian but a believer. His family were Muslim and so my husband had a battle for 47yrs. keeping his beliefs and faith a secret to avoid persecution. I was persecuted by his family for over 47yrs. But I showed them all RESPECT. I fought hard to maintain being worthy to be called a Christian. Will run out of space Part 1

Jul 18, 2013
thank you
by: Julia

Hi Micah,
Thank you for your comment it means a lot for me to know someone can relate. I posted just a couple days ago so no I have not progressed in my grieving, my fear is that I'm not progressing but all I can do is keep praying. Im sure God will help me through this as He has been there for me in all things. Thank you Micah

Jul 18, 2013

Jul 18, 2013
YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING
by: Anonymous

YOU MAY HAVE HAD COUNSELING AND READ GRIEF BOOKS BUT DID YOU REALLY LISTEN AND DIGEST ALL YOU WERE TO DERIVE FROM THEM. IT APPEARS THAT YOU JUST WANTED TO BE MISERABLE AND BY DATING A MAN IN PRISON YOU WILL REMAIN MISERABLE. YOU WENT THROUGH THE MOTIONS BUT DID NOT DO THE HARD WORK ON YOURSELF.

Jul 18, 2013
I've been there...
by: Micah

Julia, Your story breaks my heart, and I think it's because I've been exactly where you are. I can't find a date for when you posted this so maybe it's been a while and you've progressed in your grieving. I am a gay male christian, and I too fell in love as deeply as you with my partner. I went through the sickness, depression, all out misery following our break up. We went through times where we would get back together and then I would be tossed aside again. I felt as if my body was missing an organ, and most days I stayed in bed not even caring if I was missing work or isolating myself from my friends who cared about me. I don't want to be generic and say times heals or this will pass with prayer. Everyone is different, but I see and feel similarities in the way that you loved your girl. All I can say is it took over 2 years for the sickness to go away. I could think my relationship with him without losing my appetite or immediately losing interest in anything I was doing. I still think about him, but my thoughts don't consume me, or alter my wellness. He is not the man I met when I first met him. People change over time, and when you met your girl you were both in a differnt place. You were in each others lives for an important reason, and it was beautiful. It sounds like you've done everything you can. Please know that someone else has been where you are, and I am proud of you for reaching out. I will pray for you to heal, and also accept yourself as a child of God even if you fall in love with a women. The way I look at it is... Our body's are merely shells... some of us are blessed to see only people's souls, and that's what we fall in love with. You fell in love with her soul, not her flesh and not her sex. That's a beautiful gift. Let yourself love again. God Bless You My Friend

Micah

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