Goodbye love, hello grief
I met my girl in college as a freshman. We were assigned roommates in our college. We were friends for one year and then for the summer I went to her house in Minnesota. Before we left for MN we ended up kissing in our dorm room. I had fallen in love even before we kissed. She was my best friend and now my girlfriend. It was all exciting and also confusing especially being Christian and going to a Christian college. We had the best time in MN and I knew she was going to be mine for life but I of course thought we would have to go back to being just fiends at some point and follow God. So 8 years flew by with so many amazing memories, she was the love of my life. I started to not be able to imagine life without her. Then at some point we became depressed because we did not know what to do. Should we tell our families about us or should we break up. So much depression came from inability to come to terms if we can be gay and Christian at the same time. I guess we both felt we couldn't. We started to have depression and started fighting more and more. As her family found out we became more isolated. Then finally after 8 years my family found out also and completely disowned her and said we never want to see her forever. We were both so devastated and didn't know how to live with this kind of isolation. As I became angry and confused she became withdrawn and distant. Her love for me was depleting and she started to feel trapped by my constant dependence on her. We started talking a lot about breaking up. I initiated talking about breaking up but now I realize I did that because I felt a lack of love from her or a lack of wanting to continue the relationship. I became so angry that I finally told her that if she wasn't happy that she should just break up with me and that I love her and was happy. She took that opportunity and broke up with me a day before her birthday. I was so devastated my heart ripped in half. I kept tellin her that I loved her and that I didn't want to break up. I asked her for us to go to counseling. She was way past it. Later on after many attempts to get back with her I had realized that she had been withdrawn and depressed because she had probably started her grieving months ago about the end of our relationship. So as we broke up and as I kept coming to her house I would find her exercising or going to the beach. It was as if 8 years of our love and pain had not happened. As if the love we fought for so many years did not even exist. I was so heart broken my heart literally felt like it was being ripped in half. I literally went crazy in my mind. My grief was so painful I felt like I was dieing inside. I cried and yelled for months and months. I would chase her and look for her all over the city. She continued to run from me as if I was a criminal and not the girl who loved her for 8 years of my life. I was in so much denial and pain I didn't know what happened. I felt like I could not keep living. I wrote her so many letters, I called her so many times. I laid in bed for 1 whole year only got up to go to work and to buy food if necessary. I was nauseaous for 6 months and only ate bread, cheese, yogurt and anything else that taste plain. It was so hard to swallow. It is now two years later and I still cry almost everyday. I am letting go as I keep trying to believe. We've seen each other maybe 5 or so times in the past 2 years and she seemed to consider getting back when it was tough on her but then as I act desperate when I see her she seems to back away again and say no I can't go back and I believe she has said she is not in love with me any loner but she still loves me. I have asked her to be friends but my pain continues to return when we see each other and I start going through all the stages of grief again and she appears to be doig just fine except when she drinks she sounds depressed overall about her life but not necessarily that our relationship is over. We both have not reconciled being gay and being Christian so I believe she thinks that we can never be happy and content with God if we were together. I honestly don't know anything except that I still love her and I still believe in God. I have dated a man for the past year but he is in prison and I thought I could potentially get married if everything continues to go well wih us but as I saw her again as a friend my grief started all over again and when my grief came any love feelings that I had for the man I was dating went away. I have told him that I am still grieving and everything that is going on. He knows the whole situation and is very supportive. He did not picture that I would break up with him because we almost got engaged. But now I am just back to grieving and that is all I can do. He will be possibly getting out of prison and I told him that I would like to possibly continue our relationship when he gets out or when I am done grieving. I am so confused and all I feel is pain at this time. I can't understand who I love or who I am supposed to love or what God wants me to do. At this time I have decided to not talk to him or attempt to talk to her but continue to focus on healing. The lat time that I ha asked her to meet with me on my birthday or hers she has denied me and is not writing me back anymore. He is upset that I broke our relationship and he felt that I could grieve while I am in a relationship with him but I felt that while I was with him I could not finish my grieving process and also I felt that opening my heart to love was too painful. I honestly keep feeling that I don't know if I could get over my grief ever and that I don't want to love anymore. This has been so hard for me to share my story because I was afraid to write it because somehow to write it down is to again confirm that it happened. I was afraid to have it hurt me even more than I am hurting already. But as I finish writing it I somehow feel a release. I have done counseling and have also read about 15 books on grief since we broke up. I have also attended a divorce grief group. These thins have all helped me in some ways but as I keep being in grieving I am starting to think that I have what is called complicated grief or grief that is not going away and may not go away and it has been like depression. I am praying for healing everyday. I have also started meditation through different online meditation grief recording that are guided. This has also provided some relief when I cannot sleep until the morning. thank you everyone for reading my story and any comments or help is appreciated. I am so grateful many days that I am still alive and have not developed some kind of illness due to my intense grieving process but of course there are those days where I wish I was just free from this life and not here. I can say when I have my good days I feel some hope that I am getting better. Please also pray for me if anyone thinks of it. My name is Julia.