Grandfather just died one week ago
(Bay Area, CA)
My second cousin, myself, my younger sister and my dad in front of my grandmothers childhood home
I'm a 25 yr old woman and my grandfather died just one week ago. Last Sunday my father received a call from my grandmother saying that my Gpa wasn't doing so well and that maybe he should make the trip out to Oklahoma (my father, mother, sister, brother and I live in the Bay Area in california). He hastily booked a ticket and spent Sunday night chatting with my Gpa, showing him photos etc, he said he seemed very lucid and alert (he had Alzheimer's which had horrid effects and he was often mean and confused, he also had emphysema from smoking, and colon cancer which they fixed by removing part of his colon). Anyway my father was relieved and said he seemed fine and he wasn't as worried. Then on Monday he was helping the physical therapist do very small exercises with lots of heart rate checking etc... My Gpa says he has to go to the bathroom so he does that and comes back and essentially died in my fathers arms. His heart just stopped, with his emphysema and everything else it had just been working overtime for years.
I received the call when I was at work and immediately started bawling my eyes out and after listening to my father recount what happened I left work for home. On weds my mother, brother, sister, close family friend, and I all flew out to Oklahoma to spend time with family and attend the funeral and memorial service. Since i found out I feel so all over the place. The funeral was nice and I liked the preacher as he mentioned not only his wife and children but is grandchildren as well. I cried steadily throughout and at the end when they opened the casket so we could all place a rose in I really broke down and felt as if I may faint or really freak out. I just saw his hands folded there and they didn't look alive. Us grand kids went first and his face was like I remember from when I was a child so I guess I felt good about that. But it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life.( I also have an anxiety disorder as well as major depressive disorder and chronic depression).
The memorial was on Sunday at my grandmothers church and everyone was real nice and I didn't feel judged as I usually do in that part of the US (I have short slicked back hair, and a lot of tattoos... Basically a Californian in the Bible Belt feeling). But yeah there was guitar playing and singing and the pastor said some really nice stuff about my grandfather, some of which I didn't even know. After the memorial there was heaps of food and then us Californians had to go back and finish packing and get going to catch our flight.
My grandfather was married to my grandmother for 61 years and they really loved each other.
Basically I feel like all over the place right now and sometimes I cry about him being gone and how I know the exact way he would say things and the sound of his voice. And it's all made me think of the fact that it's just the beginning. We visited my grandparents every summer as kids, and as I've gotten older I am closer to my grandmother and we exchange letters and call each other. And I love my grandfather very much, but didn't talk to him as much in the last few years because it was hard to with his illnesses, but I did get to see him last summer and chat with him and everything. I don't really feel that I didn't say goodbye because I knew at the time it may have been the last time I saw him. I just feel like my whole being has been shifted. I didn't know what grief was and now that I do it's terrifying. I can't lose my parents. I can't stand the thought that my grandmother will die too. Everyone in my family was supposed to live forever. I don't want their stuff or to be in wills, I want them all here with me forever.
Sometimes I feel sorta fine, mostly numb, or guilty that I'm thinking about how I'd react even worse to other family members deaths. I can't make sense of anything and I feel so depressed and I don't know what or how to feel. My hands shake and my heart skips beats, and I can't stop thinking about how disappointed I am in some people who haven't even said anything to my father when they are supposed to be his friends. People are just so selfish I can't stand it. There are exceptions and I've had some support. But I can literally feel myself drawing myself in and isolating to a degree I've never done before..... And I'm a depressed introvert so that's saying something.
I just want to know that I'm not crazy or mean and selfish.