Grief According to Lue
My son, Jacob had bone cancer. He was diagnosed at 19 and by 21 he had passed away. Jacob was an artist. He loved to draw. That was his passion, he went to school for animation and was on his way to working in that field. His cancer was aggressive. When he died, I went through the funeral as if it were a well rehearsed play. I was so numb. Now I drank alcohol before Jacob passed and I drank alot of it afterward. I no longer drink. The drinking delayed the grief. I felt like I was in a dark pit. I stayed in that pit for a long time. My faith had been rocked to it's foundation. The love is so strong between mother and child and I felt abandoned by God. I was numb and in a state of disbelief. I managed to take care of certain things that had to be done but I would break down crying so much when I had to go to the grocery store or anywhere public. I couldn't control my emotions some time.
People mean well but are lost as what to say and do. Sorry is about all anyone can say but I would hear those stupid cliches like when one door closes another one opens or he is in a better place now. Well I would say a thousand doors can open now but it won't diminish the loss and obviously he is in heaven with God but saying that doesn't take away the pain.
The feelings are like a roller coaster. One day you are numb. You can't handle it at that time, so your mind buffers you. Anger comes next. Why my child? Why me? You resent pettiness from those around you. Then the sorrow comes. It was the one I hated the most. There you are in that dark pit. I would dig out enough to get to the top and slide down again and again.
Then one day, can't tell you when it felt like God physically picked me up and threw me out of that pit. Then I knew I would have to completely face losing my child, my only son which I love to this day dearly. After 11 years, I still cry because I miss him, I still get angry at times, but the first few years after he passed away I knew rage and sorrow. I had never had those feelings before and that roller coaster I was on, sometimes I had rage and sorrow at the same time it felt like.
I had a dream about dying one night, and I think God gave me that dream so I would know what it feels like to die. When Jacob passed he looked scared for a minute, they brought him in to the e.r. and when he turned the corner he slumped over and almost fell off the bed and I knew then he was gone. At his funeral, he had the most peaceful look on his face. That gave me comfort because Jacob suffered and it is so painful to see your child in agony. So in my dream, I was about to die and these demons were all around me snarling and it scared me and then all of a sudden they disappeared and this most beautiful, warm, loving light shone down on me and I was so happy because the love that I felt from this light was something that I never have felt from anyone on earth. It was pure love towards me. Then I woke up. That comforted me some to know he is with his maker. His heavenly father, I am just his earthly mother and one day I will see him again.
I quit drinking alcohol because I couldn't face losing him unless I got completely sober. That was the only way I was going to be able to deal with his death. If I sound like a religious freak to you, I am not, I am human, I make mistakes everyday, but I can't deny God's presence in my life. He has helped me when no one could.
Now one more thing, whether you believe it or not I don't really care, but I have had a few signs that I believe were God's plan, maybe Jacob's plan to, who knows ,that he was around me after he passed. Jacob passed away on 3/30/2001, then on 4/30/2001 at 4:30 in the morning, one month after, my husband and I were alone in the house and ofcourse we couldn't sleep good, when we heard footsteps coming down our hallway. My husband reached over and touched me to see if it were me that had gotten up. When he did that I knew it wasn't him so I said someone is in the house and we both jumped up and checked inside and outside of the house and there was no one there. Then we both said, that was Jacob because when he was living he had to have his right leg amputated because of the bone cancer and he used a wheel chair and crutches to get around. His ramp that was built on our side porch is still there. So Jacob came back to let us know he is fully restored. That was comforting also.
I will miss him my whole life, I will cry at times and unless you have gone through the same thing then you cannont know exactly how it feels.
TRUST ME I KNOW HOW IT FEELS, and I thank you for letting me share Jacob's story. I wish I had some pictures of him and his paintings to show you but I am not computer savvy so all I have is this story of my wonderful son that I got to have for 21 years.
Jacob's mom, Lue