Grief how does it work
I find it hard to listen to songs without crying, when I drive the car now I cry all the time, I am crying now. It takes nothing to upset me , the normal things of everyday living make me cry , I see her , I feel her , I miss her so much , I feel guilty all the time . she should be here with me not for me but for her to enjoy the life of today that we never had, it was so hard all them years for her for me it was hard finically, it was a battle now she could enjoy life, we could have been together the kids all gone life was much easier now but now it is just so empty. As I type I cry , you regret all the thing that you said or didn’t say or the times you were late the times you cursed things you meant to do but didn’t , everywhere you turn is a reminder , I have to take hold of myself when I do the shopping , I cry when I make the bed it’s just so hard It’s not good to be the one that's left alive you just don’t get it when your together you think you have all the time even when you know you still don’t have the time you just don’t think . Every day is a first, it the first day without her for that day the first Birthday, Xmass, Australia Day, Easter, Anzac Day, Kid’s Birthday, Day of summer, Day of spring it’s always the first day without her. Everything is new but I don’t want new I just want to change things, I want to know why they failed why it happened why are my daughters not changing their ways, why is it so bloody hard for people to live, why do people judge others, who gives them the right, why do some people have so little and other so much, the hardest thing to come to terms with in life is that it is not fair and you just have to put up with that. I used to tell Merilyn no matter how tough it get just smile at them as people who try to upset you don’t understand when you just smile and she did just that . She stuck by me through the toughest times, she was better braver the best of any woman you could have ever known she stood by her man. there were many a time when she went without I don’t know of any other who would have so much faith in me .When you watch TV it’s so sad all the shows she used to watch and then there are so many shows about death and sad things it always brings back the memories, everything around you is a reminder, I just want to cry most of the time, I cry every day sometimes a lot of times a day. It hurts so much, nobody told me it would hurt like this, I suppose only those who have lost know, I am the first in my family to have lost the one they love their wife, I am having trouble with people as they see you are down they don’t understand yet I feel like I am in a trance and they don’t see how I feel & I am trying to appear to be happy so that I fit in and not make them feel down. Why do I have to? I found this site because I looked because I need help to deal with the grief and you cannot get help. I can only hope tomorrow is a bit better of a day. Merilyn suffered from 25/08/2002 with severe bilateral cystic bronchiectasis and chronic respiratory failure she was on full time oxygen & antibiotics, she was diagnosed on the 04/10/2011 with a cancer in her left lung after being treated for pneumonia from 1st June, it wasn’t Merilyn who gave up her fight for life it was our failing hospital system that gave up on her on the 02/11/11. If you have travel the journey with someone sick for so long and being their full time carer for the last couple of years and you just happened to also be in love with that person you won’t know what to do.