Grief how does it work

by Andy
(Mount Isa)

I find it hard to listen to songs without crying, when I drive the car now I cry all the time, I am crying now. It takes nothing to upset me , the normal things of everyday living make me cry , I see her , I feel her , I miss her so much , I feel guilty all the time . she should be here with me not for me but for her to enjoy the life of today that we never had, it was so hard all them years for her for me it was hard finically, it was a battle now she could enjoy life, we could have been together the kids all gone life was much easier now but now it is just so empty. As I type I cry , you regret all the thing that you said or didn’t say or the times you were late the times you cursed things you meant to do but didn’t , everywhere you turn is a reminder , I have to take hold of myself when I do the shopping , I cry when I make the bed it’s just so hard It’s not good to be the one that's left alive you just don’t get it when your together you think you have all the time even when you know you still don’t have the time you just don’t think . Every day is a first, it the first day without her for that day the first Birthday, Xmass, Australia Day, Easter, Anzac Day, Kid’s Birthday, Day of summer, Day of spring it’s always the first day without her. Everything is new but I don’t want new I just want to change things, I want to know why they failed why it happened why are my daughters not changing their ways, why is it so bloody hard for people to live, why do people judge others, who gives them the right, why do some people have so little and other so much, the hardest thing to come to terms with in life is that it is not fair and you just have to put up with that. I used to tell Merilyn no matter how tough it get just smile at them as people who try to upset you don’t understand when you just smile and she did just that . She stuck by me through the toughest times, she was better braver the best of any woman you could have ever known she stood by her man. there were many a time when she went without I don’t know of any other who would have so much faith in me .When you watch TV it’s so sad all the shows she used to watch and then there are so many shows about death and sad things it always brings back the memories, everything around you is a reminder, I just want to cry most of the time, I cry every day sometimes a lot of times a day. It hurts so much, nobody told me it would hurt like this, I suppose only those who have lost know, I am the first in my family to have lost the one they love their wife, I am having trouble with people as they see you are down they don’t understand yet I feel like I am in a trance and they don’t see how I feel & I am trying to appear to be happy so that I fit in and not make them feel down. Why do I have to? I found this site because I looked because I need help to deal with the grief and you cannot get help. I can only hope tomorrow is a bit better of a day. Merilyn suffered from 25/08/2002 with severe bilateral cystic bronchiectasis and chronic respiratory failure she was on full time oxygen & antibiotics, she was diagnosed on the 04/10/2011 with a cancer in her left lung after being treated for pneumonia from 1st June, it wasn’t Merilyn who gave up her fight for life it was our failing hospital system that gave up on her on the 02/11/11. If you have travel the journey with someone sick for so long and being their full time carer for the last couple of years and you just happened to also be in love with that person you won’t know what to do.

Comments for Grief how does it work

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Oct 19, 2012
I too cry all the time
by: Tony

Your words as if you were watching me. I too cry everyday. I lost my wife of 21 yrs to Breast Cancer May, 21,2012, We fought it two years and at a year and half it was gone. But it came back and in one month she was gone. I now hide my tears from others I dont want anyone to feel my pain. I hope in time I will feel better. Everybody tells me I need to move on that she would want me to be happy. Im trying and sometimes I do feel happy, for a moment. But I find myself really not wanting it to be this way and I too feel guilty. I cry everyday, and most the time several times a day.

Your words is my life right now. I would not wish this upon anybody.

Jul 10, 2012
I am so sorry that we share this kind of pain.
by: Anonymous

I feel the same way that you do. My husband died of cancer on New Year's eve 2010. I have not stopped crying, and I don't think I every will. He is too much to miss. I feel exactly what you are all feeling, and I am sad for us all. Have any of you felt like your husband is near you, or communicates with you? You all make me feel that I am not alone but I feel so sad for us all. I was married for 28 years to my husband and I don't know how much longer I can take this live without him. If anyone feels you connect in some way - how does that feel, what happens, how does it feel. How will I know if he is watching out for me? Or that I am missing him so much. It's it very hard for my friends and family to handle my saddness, and I think it is here forever. I don't know what to do.

I am so sad for our loss.... nothing will ever be the same.

Jun 03, 2012
Thank you
by: Laura


I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted you to know that although reading your passage made me cry, it somehow made me feel normal to know that someone else is out there and feeling that same ways that I feel. The guilt from not seizing each moment with my husband and many other things that live in my mind at this point, haunts me and, I think keeps me from moving on somehow. Mostly, I just wanted to let you know that, although I am all the way across the ocean in America, I heard your words and related to them. Thank you for somehow making me feel less alone at this time.

May 28, 2012
by: VJ

Andy, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of loss. I lost my child a close to three years ago. She was still very young. Married and had a small child. She was just beginning to build her life and then tragedy hit. I have never tried to make sense of her death. I have always known that life can be so unpredictable. Death doesn't know us by name, it simply happens. I can only imagine your loneliness of not having her there now. I believe that She is with you not in the physcial form but in spirit. She resides in your heart, until you leave this world to be with her once again, try and think of the good times when the darkness comes seeping in. I Missed my daughter SO much and I would cry a lot in that first year or so. I was in a mental fog. I painted on that artificial smile and gathered up all the energy I had to just get through the day. There were days that I felt like I couldn't get through the day. I told myself take a deep breath and take it hour by hour then. I started to realize that as much as I Missed my beautiful daughter, she wasn't coming back. I decided that I would 'Try' and think of a good/happy memory each time a sad thought entered my head, or something I would see at the store would remind me of her. It wasn't a magic cure but after some time, I realized one day that I wasn't feeling as sad. I still Miss her, but my thoughts are of happier times more often. It takes time and your life will be forever changed. Keep coming here and remeber your Not alone. I don't know what area your in, Australia I believe. Have you considered volunteering? I know you may not be up for that yet, but it is a good way to help others and help in healing yourself. Plus you would be around others.

I will keep you in my prayers. VJ

May 27, 2012
I share the same grief and emotional turmoil
by: Anthony

Dear Andy - you have described how my everyday is like - the grief knows no boundaries, going to the supermarket and all other places that you frequented with your loved one brings on the emotional turmoil.

My beloved wife Constance went home to Jesus on 19 March 2012 also due to lung cancer - it happened so fast we had no time to take stock. we prayed that God would grant her another 2 years, but that was not to be. Why I will never know in this life. Like you, I wish we had the additional time for her do enjoy the fruits of our labour. Everyday is now just a drag as I pray for Jesus to take me home soon so that I can be with her forever.

May 25, 2012
by: Alan

Hi Andy, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I, too am crying as I type. I lost my wife nearly 6 months ago to lung cancer, this June4th will be our 35th anniversary.
I know how it feels to be in love with someone, and then they're gone. I'm lucky I've got family and friends who I can call anytime. But it's hard, I'm by myself, all my family live out of state.
Most days it's all I can do to put on that happy face for work, I know these people have my best interest at heart, Lord knows they all mean well, but I guess they're not equipped to deal with such an awful thing.
I find some kind of comfort posting, reading here, I'm not alone. The pain is still as intense, still as fresh, but I'm not alone.
And neither are you, Andy.

May 25, 2012
You're not alone
by: Anonymous


Everything you're experiencing, I'm experiencing. I cry making the bed, grocery shopping, watching TV, everything.

I don't know how it's all supposed to work. The only thing that works for me at this time is to drive memories out of my head. I don't allow myself to think of the past or the future. It's not easy, because guilt is building up inside me. I feel bad for not thinking about the love of my life. But if I do -- I can't function.

I have no words of wisdom for you, except to say that you're not alone.


May 24, 2012
So very true...
by: Don

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I did not lose my wife, instead I lost my Dad. Lung cancer. How I hate the "C word"! Everything you said rings true with me as well. Each day is a struggle, just to get out of bed. But, I know that I must! Our loved ones would not want us to give up on life. After my Dad's death, I have a whole new perspective on things. I'm trying to find a "new normal". The normal that I knew for 51 years is gone. Everything has changed! I wish I had a better answer for you. We must keep up a good fight to find our new path in life!

May 24, 2012
by: Merry

Dear Andy,

Why, of course you feel as you do. It makes complete sense that you are going through this terrible gut stabbing sadness. God gave you this wonderful gift and you struggled together like mad and now it's over and your beloved has been called back from whence we all came.

Amazingly true how people abandon us when we need their support the most; I'm referring to surviving friends and family. I've heard many people proclaim that and it happened to me too.

My husband of 30 yrs has been gone 2 yrs now and I still miss him and sob in private. So, be kind to yourself. What you are experiencing is natural and normal and tougher than nails.

God knows exactly precisely what He is doing and why. We're just not smart enough, BUT, I have a hunch and a few theories that help me. For example, when coal is compressed with a terrific amount of pressure, it turns into a diamond. He loves us so much, He's refining us.

Be strong...that doesn't mean "don't cry". It means keep your faith strong and know that ALL this is something we are simply passing through on our way back to where we came from.

Be the memory of your beloved...for the honor of God who is in charge of everything...EVERYTHING !!!

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