Grief stole my life and who I was.

by Hope

Yesterdays Happiness

Yesterdays Happiness

Friday 24th of Feb.2011

The first year of grief was miserable. I did not think that a person could experience such heart break and survive to tell about it. The downs, further down the spiral of grief. How bad can it get? But then there were days that I could enjoy the sunset. Laugh at my child trying to be goofy to cheer me up. That foreign sound was laughter. I did not think that I ever could/would again without my Love...

Then I would have a few o.k days followed by a deep sorrow that seemed to rise from my stomach making me feel ill and dizzy. When at last I had survived One Year without my Love it was awful. How did I manage an entire year? How did I survive? I still feel like crap but I am here. I paid the bills. Have a roof over my head, a job to return to, I sleep, I eat I am functioning. (sort of)

This was followed by what could only be depression. I did not want to do anything but survive the day and go to my room and lie down, ignore the world if possible. No pride did not care...felt nothing. Just so blahhhhhh. It was different from grief somehow.

But I am going on a week now of feeling (some what) like my former self. It has been so long that I am unsure what to do. So I ride the ride unsure of where it will take me. But somehow knowing that I will make it.

I will always Love and Miss my honey. But now he is a warm memory. Someone that I feel damn lucky to have loved and been loved by. I can only hope that this feeling this small joy for life will continue. There have been so many ups and downs I am waiting for the ball to drop. But for Now, I'll take that confidence that has been missing for so long. Be the chatty friendly person that I always was before grief stole it.

Grief took a lot of things from me but now I know that there is still me inside trying to be...o.k.
And I hope it for everyone here.

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Apr 03, 2011
starting over, each day...
by: HH


I have been reading the old "blogs" that I wrote hoping that it would show some progress that I have made. I know that I have come so far yet have further to travel on the grief road.

About a month ago I started thinking about some possible "companionship" an excellent candidate would be a balding chubby gay man therefore not a threat. It was I guess a private joke to myself knowing that I needed something but was not totally ready to allow another man in my heart.

Now I am trying to go solo, do the things that I want to do without companionship. It is hard I am not use to doing things alone. But I need to be comfortable with myself and when the time is right I shall find new friends be they male or female with no particular set of goals except to be content within myself.

Here is hoping that we all find our way in the new life we try to cave out for ourselves...

Mar 02, 2011
by: Jen

Hi Hope,
I think what you said that Paul is a warm memory is lovely. It fully describes how i feel about Richard.

im now 2 years 3 months without him and i feel the strength now to slowly move on with my life and all i need now is to find the confidence to do that.

Life will never be the same but we must make a life as each and everyone of our husbands or partners would want us to.

Sending you lots of good wishes from Northern Ireland.


Feb 26, 2011
Grief - The Stealer
by: Judith

Hope, when I look at the picture I cry for you and me. That's how I looked at Chuck and he at me. He was my world too.

I guess we have to let grief steal our every thought from us before in order to move ahead to a new life. We have to let it all out, every loving thought and memory, until we are drained and need to move on weary from feeling so bad.
I'm sure you muddled through to where you are now a year later and all of it's scary at best to go on to a new life. I hate the new normal and would give my eye teeth to have him back. I hope in six more months , which will be a year for me, that I can feel better and and get on with it tho' it's a try now.
Take care.

Feb 26, 2011
Right, right ,your bloody well right you know you gotta right to say...
by: HH

Judy well said and I agree. You and the others finish the thoughts that are confusing to feel much less express...Thanks

Feb 26, 2011
Human contact sounds alien...
by: Anonymous


Yes I feel that way too. I want what I had but as Jules mentions I am still human. I want to be loved and desired yet I am not able to cross that line. My dreams are stating my fear concerning that yearning for intimacy. Things will never be the same and the same courage that it took to grieve is the very courage we must use to begin again.

I don't think that I can let anyone else have my heart nor am I a one night stand kind of woman.
So watch all the silly chick ficks with the happy ending and curse the unreality of it.

Throw shoes at the T.V., mumble as you grab that bowl of ice cream that is your friend. I know that I am at the cross roads now. I miss what I had but am paralyzed to continue on. Unable and unwilling to have F.B. where do we get the physical contact that is missing from our life?
Who do we share our day with? without sounding desperate and lonely because....I am.

Feb 26, 2011
Thank You Hope
by: TrishJ

I am so happy to hear you are doing so well. As I'm writing this I'm wondering what has been wrong with me the past few days? I didn't even get out of bed yesterday. I awoke at 6:00 a.m. today ~ got a few things accomplished and now I feel like I just want to sit and cry for the rest of the day. My heart feels like it has been turned inside out.

Just when I feel like I'm making some progress this wave of grief overtakes me again. Friends and family invite me out "to have a little fun." I don't want to have fun without my husband.
You do inspire me. It's only been three months. I know I have to be patient. I too am hoping things continue to go well for you. Thank you.

Feb 26, 2011
Bravo to you Hope
by: Judy

Bravo to you Hope for turning this corner on grief.

Our stories could be the same except that I think our stories are the story of any widow (or widower) who rides the roller coaster of grief and comes out the other end. You are different, I am different. You cannot have this life experience without being changed.

Grief stole our old life but I am determined that it's not going to take the rest of my life as well. The challenge now for me is to like the person I have become. This is not always easy to like this person who can be lonely, scared, self centered and sometimes incapable of making a decision on things. I feel like parts of my old self are missing. But I am still mother, friend, co worker, neighbor, citizen, consumer and I
am trying to get these roles fill up my life in positive ways.

I will always miss Barry and treasure out days together. No one ever loved me like he loved me and probably no will ever love me like that again. But he is becoming, as you say, a warm memory.

You go girl!


Feb 26, 2011
grief stole my life and who I was
by: jules

Hope - you are coming through - the first year - but you are still here - I am 15 months in now, and there are times when I am happy - times when I think there is a future for me -

I am in my home state, having taken my first solo trip towing my caravan down to meet up with my best friends - we were talking about a wedding we are going to soon, and they said I could share a hotel room with some friends (husband and wife) to save money - I said "no way, I might pick up" and they pooh poohed me - " why would you want to - I couldn't be bothered_ etc - the trouble is they have got their husbands, they haven't lost them, they do not know really what I am going through - the loneliness, the feeling that there may never be anyone else for me - I will be alone forever - they just do not know that the closeness of another human body is sometimes what you crave most of all. Or at least I do - am I unusual - I loved John, I still love John, I miss him every day - but I am growing into my own person, my own life - and I have needs ( age doesn't matter at all - I have said before I am not over it).

Oh, well, I just laughed and let them have their thoughts, maybe one day this will happen to them, and they will realise - maybe not.
anyway - every day - one step, one breath
take care

Feb 26, 2011
Well spoken words of widom
by: M Mack


Everyone who visits this site (I live on it these days) needs to read your story. Every word you write, I feel. We all know that deep heartache that comes with such a loss. The sadness, depression and hopelessness is mental and physical pain all rolled into one. No doubt, you worried Paul as he watched you suffer. There are times I think that if someone was a fly on the wall, and saw how I've carried on- I'd be committed. I talk to Ray like he's here. I kiss his picture, smell his dirty cloths even the socks. I laugh out loud when I imagine the comment he would have made. We all know that the time to recover is different for everyone and I do believe you are heading in the right direction.......almost out of the woods.
Thank you for your support and words of encouragement. I needed to know for sure that there is light ahead. Im still finding my way and who better to lead the path....... than you.
Take care and thanks for leading the way.

Feb 25, 2011
still sad
by: jody

this is exactly the way I feel too after almost 14 months...the hard thing is I do;nt want to face another year like this last one...i feel like i am waking up from a long nap and the sunlight is blinding me and i just want to go back to heart aches all the time...I have been in touch with an old high school crush..he contacted me after 35 years..I have days of being excited about someday seeing him again and then those feelings are crushed by sadness, and yes guilt for wanting it...most of all, im afraid if i do get involved ever again that i will lose that person too because there is no guarantee in life and i dont think i could endure 1 more heartbreak, whether through death or just not having a relationship not work out... i am melancholy all the time and deathly afraid to share or love again...but i am lonely too and know ken would want me to go on....why is everything always so hard??? does anyone else feel this way??

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