Grief that wont end.

My best friend starting dating my brother when she and I were 21. Soon after they had 2 children. My middle brother and I were very close. For the most part I feel my brothers raised me. Around seven years ago, my middle brother, my savior in many ways turned to alcohol which soon consumed him. My oldest brother and best friend started to take oxycontin amongst other drugs on a regular basis. All of our family was torn a part watching them raise the kids in this replica of hell. Soon we rarely talked and I had lost my best friend of many years to addiction. Needless to say I lost my oldest brother too. As hard as it was to watch himself die slowly I continued to talk to my middle brother, he had been there for me in so many hard times. Two years ago,two days after thanksgiving my oldest brother was driving with my best friend (his wife) and my middle brother. The crash that the family felt coming for a long time killed my best friend (the mother to my nephews and niece) and my middle beloved brother. My brothers grief as you can imagine is horrible. Only has not changed his life for his children to be able to heal he has only gotten worse. He doesn't allow us to grief because all he talks about is him and his pain as though he is the only one who grieves. His children have turned to drugs and acting out which I have not doubt that he aids this.My mother suspects abuse. Someone called dhs because he refuses to get help even for the kids.Dhs made an appointment with him. Giving him the chance to have things together. That is insane to me. I'm so scared of losing another!!!Guessing who will be next since in the last year we also lost my grandpa and my sort of steps as, my niece is so hurt and is killing herself slowly. Any ideas???

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Dec 04, 2013
pain continues
by: Anonymous - a mom

I am so sorry for your family's loss, and the continued response sure to bring more grief. I lost my son this summer...he had been successfully removing the problems from his life, but he slipped and is gone. I might suggest a direct and caring conversation with your niece, stating how the loss of these family members is affecting you and how much you value her. Maybe, if the conversation progresses, you might also state how much you wish you could have done anything that would have changed the outcome, that drugs are never a solution, just a step further to problems and watching more members of your family hurry down a path to hurt is unbearable. If you are able to have the heart-to-heart, maybe this will allow your niece to have a confidant, that she might seek help. Possibly, your brother might respond to a written note of concern. Unfortunately, if he is still using alcohol or drugs, reaching out to him when he is sober may be an issue, so a note of concern he can read and reread may be a better option. Yet, you must remember to help yourself too, because sometimes, though the person has desire, they are unable to respond in the desired fashion and you must be prepared for the choice they make. Attend or read al-anon materials to recognize healthy ways you might choose to reach out to those you love while it is possible. Hope this helps, as I am not a counselor, just another person in grief struggling to be ok today. Angie

Dec 03, 2013
Grief that won't end
by: Doreen UK

The hardest part of life is losing the ones we love. Often we can support people and advise them but in reality we all suffer the consequences of the CHOICES we make in life. It is sad though when children are affected by the choices of their parents and so they end up living the same lifestyle but becomes so difficult to give up. Drugs are a destroyer of lives and relationships and not a good role model for children. You can yourself be a good role model to your family and give them wise counsel and support. You can also encourage them to get out of that lifestyle telling them what it is doing to you and how it is affecting your life and happiness. Let them know that you don't want them to die. Try some shock statements that may be a wake up call. We all have our limitations and often it is hard to be around anyone who is destroying their life with drugs. Just don't their lifestyle influence you at all as often if life is not going well, this is the time one is more likely to block out their pain with drugs. Be aware also that you could injure yourself emotionally by trying to rescue a loved family member from drug abuse. There are no easy answers and I think you and your mum have the wisdom to know what is going on and how you have contacted the dhs. You must know in yourself if there is anything else you can do? Often there isn't. It is very painful observing a loved one destroy their lives and nothing you can do. some people get a raw deal in life and can't pick themselves up from where they are at and so give up. Another person may be the opposite. Be supportive and encourage your loved one. Be kind as you can to them. Don't nag them, it will make them feel worse. Do the positive things that may help them realise you care. Don't ever give up on them and let them know that you care and that you hate to see them destroy their lives with drugs. See a grief counsellor if you are struggling. You need to help yourself get beyond the pain you are in right now. I hope it works out. But don't ever give up.

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