Grief worsens every decade
My Grandfather passed away in the 1970s when I was still young. He was my entire world, and I was very, very close to him. He tought me about tradition and how to treat others with love and respect. He taught me the outdoors. He spent genuine time with me and a lot of it. I can still feel the love he radiated swelling inside of me. He lived at a beautiful grand lake house up north and was the life of any party. Boating, conversation, relaxation, laughter is what I remember the most. I spent every weekend and summer with him. He had experienced great loss earlier in his life and was just happy for each day and to be surrounded by loved ones and grandchildren. He had a special magic about him that I have never found anywhere else or in anyone else.
Grandmother did not tell us he got sick until after he was gone. My parents did not tell me either. He went from perfectly healthy and robust to deceased in a couple of weeks. We (including my parents) still do not understand what happened to him. The doctor said it was leukemia, but it does not make sense to the family even to this day as he was totally healthy and feeling great. He was 73, and our feeling is that it would likely have taken longer than 2 weeks for someone to pass of leukemia. Perhaps we are wrong, but even my uncle who is a doctor is very suspicious.
The pain of his loss haunts me horribly to this day. I wear it like a heavy jacket that keeps getting heavier, and I can not escape the pain of his loss. I wonder if he asked to see any of his grandchildren on his deathbed, and I wonder if he was comforted at all. No one understands and our family has never been the same. Most of us were taken to the gravesite as the first notification of his passing.
I am successful, married and with beautiful young children and should not be thinking about this anymore as it does not make any sense... Yet the pain of loss will not go away. I have lost other close loved ones since and do not have these feelings. I think about my Grandfather every day. Sometimes I wonder if I have post traumatic stress disorder, but I do not believe in any one specific diagnosis as an answer or a pathway to healing. I believe I just have a broken heart. Any comments would be appreciated. Thank you.