grieving before death

by buzz

my girlfriend Val, of 5 years, was diagnosed with cancer in July.2010 terminal. The doctors give her 1 year, my grieving started on that day. Put on a happy face and started chemo, but the whole time i was crying inside, needless to say, i came home from work on 12/4/10, and found her dead, she never got her year. so i have felt this way since July,2010. Now i am trying deal with finding her which was the most horrible thing i have ever seen. Any body got any ideas?

Comments for grieving before death

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Jan 03, 2011
For Buzz
by: Jen

Hi Buzz

My name is Jen.
My husband was diagnosed with cancer for the first time aged 38, It came again and then again to his brain and he died within 7 weeks aged 41 and I 38.

I know what you mean when there are things that will not go away. The flashbacks of Richards horrific death haunted me to despair and now 2 years further down this unwanted road they have settled a bit. Your awfulness will be powerful for a good while but i promise you that it will settle a bit in time.

Its all horrific and unwanted but stay strong be proud of yourself and keep in touch with all of us.

What a wonderful site and a real and i mean real life saver.

My best to you from Northern Ireland,


Dec 29, 2010
grieving before their death
by: Judith

I feel for you.

Before my husband died I grieved so many losses.. loss of affection, intimacy, loss of us walking together, eating in a restaurant, his ability to talk to me normally, his being able to dress himself up and look so damn good, everything he used to be able to do without me doing it for him and the things we could no longer do together.

I would be driving my car , taking a shower, or late after he was safely in bed thinking of those things and cry so hard. I missed him before he died.

Oh the hurt is just tremendous either way. It's too much at times.
I pray for your peace.

Dec 29, 2010
thank you
by: buzz

I would like to thank, Lyn Ann, Mike, Shirley, Patrica, HH, Trish and Colleen. I am so sorry all of you are going through the same tragedies i am. It helped to hear all your tragic stories, knowing i am not alone. It`s a sad place to be, i feel so sorry for you all, because i know what your feeling, It`s heartbreak, i cried reading all your blog`s all so similar with my story. Crying does help, for little while, then you just cry again. I try to remember Val, the way she was before the cancer, but 5 months of watching her fight this cancer,and slowly lose breaks my heart. Thank You ALL Yes,Trish winter sucks

Dec 29, 2010
grieving in slow motion
by: Lyn Ann

My story is similar to yours. My husband Jim was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in May 2010. Like you, my grieving began then. To me, it felt like grieving in slow motion. At first, we thought that the cancer had not spread, and figured maybe he might have a couple of good years. But in October 2010 we found out that it had spread to the brain.

He had "whole brain" radiation treatment, but that did not help and really only caused a very rapid deterioration. The last 6 weeks I cared for him at home 24/7, as each day he would lose more and more of his mental capacity.

In these last few weeks the Jim I knew slowly slipped away from me. The last few days were very hard. He died on November 20th.

One of my biggest fears was that the only thing I would remember of him was how he was in the last days or so - since this time was so all-consuming. My thoughts kept going back to the very painful memories - would I ever remember the Jim I had married? Would those painful memories overshadow all of the earlier ones?

So I combed through old photos, videos, letters... I cried the entire time doing this, but I did it. I printed out a bunch of my favourite photos in large format - 8x10 - and framed them. I set up my screen saver on my computer with photos just of him and our family together in happy times.

Gradually the memories of those last few days are disappearing, and when I see him in my thoughts I once again see the man I loved so dearly, with a twinkle in his blue eyes and shoulders that shook when he laughed...

The years of wonderful memories cannot be erased- hold on to them and remember your girlfriend as she would have wanted you to remember her.

I will pray for you. For peace. Lyn Ann

Dec 29, 2010
I feel your pain
by: Mike

I woke to find my wife dead in bed on Dec. 1st, so I know how those images eat away at your mind. I don't have any words that can make it better and have no ideas. I can only say that you are not alone in your feelings. I wish that others around me could understand how I feel. I have sought counseling and am starting a support group next week. I'm trying to seek out people that can relate and I have some good friends that will stand by my side no matter what or how long. There is no quick way out of this. Good luck in your journey through this hell and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Dec 28, 2010
a long slow death
by: Shirley

My 23 year old son was sick for 2 years. We never gave up hope. I held him in my arms as he died. You never get over that. It hurts. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Dec 28, 2010
I Also found My Husband
by: Patricia

I understand your horror. I also found my Billy when I got home from work. My first reaction was CPR but the doctors told me he passed a couple of hours after I had left for work. It still hurts. I asked the doctor was it a heart attack? He asked if it looked like he was in pain ~ you see Billy had pain everyday ~ pain I wouldn't be able to live with but he did. But I said "no".

The doctor said he when to sleep and just never woke up. For that I'm grateful but It still hurts. I also have the pictures of him in the hospital after they had worked on him. Bruised and swollen. Pictures that hurt when I bring them out and still look at from time to time.

When we lose someone you always remember the direct act of loss and pictures of that day because they are foremost in your mind. They will subside in time and then you will remember the happy memories. They don't go away but they get easier to look, but for me I know he doesn't hurt anymore. Time, time to heal, time to remember, look and save those memories good and bad and take it easy on yourself; but always remember we're here for you ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time

Dec 28, 2010
by: Anonymous

I found my son deceased in his bedroom, he was 26, it was horrific. When the visions come into my mind I push them out by remembering his smiling face and beautiful eyes and the fun person that he was. You have to push hard to get through it, it is not as difficult as the loss itself but a close second. I wish you strength.

Dec 28, 2010
Where did my strength go?

So Glad you found this site. Keep reading you will see that a lot of us replay that horrible day in our mind. It may be a siren that sets us off or a particular day. Time is what tends to space that memory out. Much later it is a blip and we can force ourselves to focus on something more pleasant. I Still remember how my mom looked before she died and my father too. But now it does not bring me to my knees with wailing tears and sorrow.

Counseling is a good idea too because wrapped in there some where is guilt, though your conscious mind knows that you did every thing that you could. Talking to someone one on one helps to bring to light what you already know. It wasn't your fault, she knows that you loved her and many other repetitive thoughts that plague our mind.

And remember to breathe one breath, one step at a time that's all you can do.

Dec 28, 2010
I Feel Your Pain
by: Trish J

Trust me when I say I feel your pain. I lost my husband almost 4 weeks ago. I heard a loud bang in May 2007 and found my husband laying on the kitchen floor, no pulse, eyes fixed and unresponsive. I gave him CPR and called the paramedics. He fought to live for the next 3 1/2 years, was placed on the cardiac transplant list, but didn't make it. For months after I found him, every time I walked into the kitchen I swear I saw him laying on the floor. I became instantly nauseated, my hands shook, my legs quivered. I finally had to seek professional help because I lived in constant fear that this would happen to my husband again. It did happen again, too many times that I could even tell you.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. The shock of finding someone you love like we both did is overwhelming. I have a very strong faith but I believe God wants us to seek help from professionals when we need it. He is the one who gave them the ability to know what they know. If you trust your family doctor go to him. I am a former medical practice administrator and I know that a lot of family practitioners (or internists) are too quick to hand out medications that they really don't know that much about.

Don't think that seeking mental health help makes you weak (especially being of the male species). We are humans and with the shock of what you experienced (my counsellor told me I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stess Disorder PTSD) is something you probably need help with. It's a complete shock to you, physically, emotionally, and a shock to your brain. You're probably still feeling numb right now and as we go into the new year you may find that things will get harder to cope with (if you can even imagine that). Cancer is an ugly word as is Congestive Heart Failure ~ that took my husband's life.

If you have a strong faith ask for God's help. He will guide you in the right direction. I've been praying for relief from my pain and to me it feels as if God isn't answering my prayers. It's not happening fast enough for me. I just have to keep praying and be patient.

My grieving started about 1 year ago as I gradually came to feel in my heart that my husband wasn't going to get better. We clung to the hope that he would get a transplant but somehow I felt in my soul that wasn't going to happen. We both tried to be so optimistic but ugly reality stared us both in the face daily.

God's blessings to you. I will be thinking about you. I too live in Illinois (near Chicago). Doesn't winter suck?

Dec 28, 2010
by: Colleen

My husband Bruce was diagnosed with spinal cancer on the 12 September 2010, we were told it was treatable but he died on the 16 November 2010. I will never forget walking into the hospital on that morning and watch him take his last breath. All I can say to you is let yourself grieve and do not be afraid of the tears. Do not let anyone tell you what to feel and when. You will be told some really strange things eg: she is in a better place. Try not to let these comments upset you and come here often and write your feelings down, it does help.

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