Grieving over the loss of my spouse

I cannot get over the loss of my relationship of 7 years. My husband and I separated 2 years ago. It was complicated. Sometimes he seemed to be very happy and loving and other times not. He used to say he couldn't live without me. He had problem with depression due to which it was hard for him to see positive in things. Also he seemed to be emotionally unstable. We moved to a new city for my new job and he was still looking for employment. We had an argument and he called his mother to complain. It was then that our relationship started to get worse and his behavior started to change. His mother started interfering in all our matters. She used to call him multiple times during the day and stopped talking to me. He started to blame me for everything and brought up every little mistake that I did since we got married. I wanted us to go for counseling but he refused. Finally he moved out and we got divorced. I went for counseling for months but it didn't help. It has been two years but I don't seem to get over it or move to any new relationship. I cry almost everyday thinking about him. I blame myself and cannot get myself to see negative in him although he had multiple issues(anger control problems, didnt seem to get along well with others). I loved him for what he was and I still do. Sometimes I feel like I loved him more than he did. He moved on so quickly, and got a girlfriend. I wrote him a new year note and said that I just wanted to see how he was doing. He replied back in a very harsh tone and that I shouldn't have written to him. I am not even his friend anymore and his life is so much better without me.I am not sure why he hates me so much. It is his hatred which bothers me a lot and that I am not allowed to communicate with him.I feel like I could never have a closure with him. I would greatly appreciate people's thoughts.
Thank you

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May 08, 2013
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much. Loss of relationships are considered just like death-death of a loved one.

May 07, 2013
Grieving over the loss of my spouse
by: Doreen U.K.

My heart really goes out to you. I suffered depression for 40yrs. I know what depression can do to a family. It destroys. It is very hard for a man to go into counselling and there is a lot of misunderstanding of counselling. Often one doesn't get the right counsellor and so they don't benefit from the experience or move forward. I feel so sad that this happens and did happen to you.
You probably saw aspects of your husband's character and personality that were attractive and you loved him for who he was. Then depression strikes and he involves his mother and then it all changes for the worst. You are then forced to divorce. I can't understand how counselling didn't help you to grieve your losses and be able to move forward? I can't understand the attachment still to your EX? But it may be tied up to the lovely man he was before depression. otherwise how would you be attracted to him. You do need support in helping you to get over your EX. If counselling worked for you then you would have been able to break away from your EX and move forward into a healthier relationship where you would have been loved and respected for who you are. You would also have built up your self esteem. This would enable you to move away from your EX. Having a healthy self esteem would mean that you would not tolerate disrespect from your EX. You are worth more than how he is treating you. You need to encourage yourself each day to do something for yourself that will make your life better and then build on this. You will then be in a place to break away from your EX who doesn't want to have anything more to do with you. You need to know that if your EX has married someone who He thinks is better than you may not be TRUE. He is in a new relationship. It is helping his depression. He may end up losing his new wife. Your EX's depression is talking and making him hate you. DON'T ACCEPT IT. WE will pass in and out of relationships that break down and we will be hated by people. But don't let their opinion of you change who you are. Hold your head up high. and put new people in your life who appreciate you. Don't let the opinion of one man define who you are. I used to say to my daughter if 10 people all had a different opinion of you. WHICH ONE ARE YOU GOING TO BELIEVE? You have a Choice to take your Ex's hatred and let it drag you down or destroy you. OR. Use the negative remarks as a springboard to help you reach higher. Make a success out of your life. Show him you don't need him and move on with your life. I know it hurts when you love someone and they don't love you back. Get self help books and read them to help yourself. Keep a journal write out your feelings. and get them out of your system. Make your life better. YOU CAN DO IT!!!.

May 07, 2013
Momma's boy
by: Anonymous

You could never win a fight with a mommas boy. because you're fighting two people. her and him. You are better off with out him. AND I thought you had lost a husband due to death not this . Some don't come on here under the guise of loosing a spouse like that.
IT offends those of us who have lost our soul mate to death. You can move on and find another he has.

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