Grieving the loss of me

by Terri
(Airdrie Alberta Canada)

On December 9th 2009 I was on my way to work, in my Suzuki sidekick, and skidded on ice, sliding from the merging lane of the southbound lanes to the middle northbound lane, where I hit a semi truck which spit me back out to the median. I hit the truck so hard I knocked the tires off the axle, popped 3 tires and took two with me when it spit me out.

It took many people to rescue me from my vehicle, two good Samaritans, many paramedics and a rescue copter. It took about 45 mins to get me out of the vehicle. I was conscious the whole time.

When I arrived at the hospital, they called my husband and after he arrived I was put to sleep for my x-rays, surgeries and tests. I dislocated my left ankle, which they repaired and put three screws in; broke both femurs, which they had to screw a plate to each one; damaged my knees, which they had to clean out (surgically); broke my right hip, which they had to put a large pin into; broke the front and back of my pelvis, forcing them to put a plate on the front and a large screw in the back; broke 6-7 ribs; bruised both my lungs which meant I had to have breathing/feeding tubes for 13 days; broke a bone at the base of my skull, which meant I had to wear a neck brace for 13 weeks; blew out my right eye socket. forcing a plastic surgeon to piece it back together and put a plastic shield in to hold it. I was in hospital for 5 weeks, in rehabilitation for 13 weeks, but finally came home April 1st 2010.

While in the hospital I was so drugged I did not have a mind to process what my situation was. When I was transferred to the rehab, I finally started to process my predicament and stayed in a happy mood, but fell apart very easy. I would drop a book and cry, sit with a friend and laugh then cry myself to sleep. I was waiting for the nightmare to stop, for someone to wake me up.

When I came home it all hit me how bad things really were. I felt angry, stressed and like I was a burden despite being told I was not. No one visited me, so I felt no one cared. I tried to piece things together because I had no memory of the accident, so I met the two good Samaritans, the first responding officer and the helicopter pilots and parametric. Thanks to them I am alive and am able to understand what happened.

On my 34th birthday, July 6th, I was talking to a councilor on the phone who explained that the reason I was still hurt, angry and feeling so alone is because I am in the grieving process...I was so surprised I couldn't speak.

It took a few days for me to see what she meant. I had lost my freedom, independence and the old me. I was too angry to see what I was angry for. That finally gave me the strength to process what my situation was. I would have no permanent injuries, but I would always have the scars and always be different, but why was that a bad thing?

Yes the accident was bad and the injuries were bad, but not as bad as they could have been. I am still working on getting my strength back but I will never be the old me, I am a new person with a new perspective on life. I have two great kids and an awesome husband that remembers the old me, but I hope to prove to them I am a new and better me!