Grieving the wrong relationship
I married a man who had trouble with sex. I was not in love with him. I was scared of love…stupid me I know. But I felt that he was a good man and we could build a life. Well, after about 10 years the sex was still almost non-existent. I had to force him and he really did not seem to enjoy it. We would sometimes only have sex once a year. This actually occurred for several years. Well, I wanted children so in year 3 and 5 we got pregnant. It was not amazing b/c I was not on the pill (why would I be we never had sex) and I had very regular menstrual cycles. So we have two children. While I was pregnant and after between the kids we may have had sex three times…in three years!!!. Anyway, one night while I was trying to encourage him to be intimate he refused me. I left the room hurt. It was my birthday, later I went out with a friend and I was talking about my ex-boyfriend and how I wish I had tried harder to make a life with him. She told me I needed to contact him via facebook so that I could get closer. I have never stopped thinking or loving this man. Since the beginning of my marriage I still thought of him. So I contacted him. He was obviously in a difficult marriage like me and we were both in a lot of pain. We have talked three times and seen each other once. I have not had an affair. He knows nothing about my marital difficulties; I felt that was too private to share. He has always been nothing but a gentleman. The problem is I am soooo much in love with him (my ex). I cannot have him, he is married and although my husband has intimacy issues I know he loves me. However, I am unhappy. More than that, my husband had gotten me and the kids into serious financial difficulties ( really since day one he has had money problems). Recently, he got fired, we are in bankruptcy, and we owe 28,0000 in federal taxes. I am grieving big time. I am sad for the marriage I believed in, I am sad for the marriage I never had. I am sad for my children. I am sad for me. I have talked to my husband. I want to forgive and start again but it is hard, one because I love someone else and two because we have had so many issues. I know that I am wrong for wanting another woman’s husband. I am doing everything I can to emotionally let go. We are not talking anymore and I don’t plan on talking to him. I am just hurting so bad. I have decided that I am going to allow myself to hurt. I want to get better. I know this is a strange story, but I hope someone will have compassion and provide some good advice. Oh yea, we have been tow counseling several times.