Grieving the wrong relationship

I married a man who had trouble with sex. I was not in love with him. I was scared of love…stupid me I know. But I felt that he was a good man and we could build a life. Well, after about 10 years the sex was still almost non-existent. I had to force him and he really did not seem to enjoy it. We would sometimes only have sex once a year. This actually occurred for several years. Well, I wanted children so in year 3 and 5 we got pregnant. It was not amazing b/c I was not on the pill (why would I be we never had sex) and I had very regular menstrual cycles. So we have two children. While I was pregnant and after between the kids we may have had sex three times…in three years!!!. Anyway, one night while I was trying to encourage him to be intimate he refused me. I left the room hurt. It was my birthday, later I went out with a friend and I was talking about my ex-boyfriend and how I wish I had tried harder to make a life with him. She told me I needed to contact him via facebook so that I could get closer. I have never stopped thinking or loving this man. Since the beginning of my marriage I still thought of him. So I contacted him. He was obviously in a difficult marriage like me and we were both in a lot of pain. We have talked three times and seen each other once. I have not had an affair. He knows nothing about my marital difficulties; I felt that was too private to share. He has always been nothing but a gentleman. The problem is I am soooo much in love with him (my ex). I cannot have him, he is married and although my husband has intimacy issues I know he loves me. However, I am unhappy. More than that, my husband had gotten me and the kids into serious financial difficulties ( really since day one he has had money problems). Recently, he got fired, we are in bankruptcy, and we owe 28,0000 in federal taxes. I am grieving big time. I am sad for the marriage I believed in, I am sad for the marriage I never had. I am sad for my children. I am sad for me. I have talked to my husband. I want to forgive and start again but it is hard, one because I love someone else and two because we have had so many issues. I know that I am wrong for wanting another woman’s husband. I am doing everything I can to emotionally let go. We are not talking anymore and I don’t plan on talking to him. I am just hurting so bad. I have decided that I am going to allow myself to hurt. I want to get better. I know this is a strange story, but I hope someone will have compassion and provide some good advice. Oh yea, we have been tow counseling several times.

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Jul 01, 2012
Grieving the wrong relationship
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Unhappy Lady,
I am so sorry for the immense grief you are in just now over so many things. Mostly your marriage and financial issues. Sex is the first thing to suffer when someone has money problems. You have to first realize Marriage is a COMMITTMENT. Are you COMMITTED to your marriage? husband? family? to working things out? Do you still LOVE YOUR HUSBAND? If not. DO YOU think you could love your husband and put the past behind you and start with a new slate? DO YOU think you could FORGIVE your husband for his failings? firstly you have to make up your mind what you want out of life. You have to feel what it would be like to now be without your husband? You have to realize that no relationship is perfect. Whatever you do you will face problems. What will you do then? As I have stated in another post. My husband had self-esteem issues. no matter how much I showed him love he never felt loved. He worked all over the world for 40 years and was not around for us all. I had to be mother and father to our children. It carries its own problems with our adult children. I just got on with it and did the best I could. I never had the marriage I wanted. But I had the man I LOVED. I put up with a lot of sorrow. Unhappy a lot of the time. But I was committed to doing my best and Loving my husband till death do us part. Sadly Steve died of cancer 7 weeks ago. I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days. During this cancer care. Steve knew I LOVED HIM with ALL MY HEART. He was my heartbeat. I was determined to Love him to the end. I HAVE NO REGRETS. I hope I have helped you to decide what you want to do. Everyone's story is different. Everyone has different needs. sometimes it doesn't work and people separate or divorce. A reality. I hope it works out for you. I am sorry for all your unhappiness at the moment.

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