Grieving wife
( Canada)
My husband died on June 25th, 2008 from suicide, I have been struggling daily with this and the waves of grief are unbelievable. What is really hard is the fact that he did not struggle with mental health issues before this; he lost his father when he was 21 and his mother (whom he was very close) when he was 35.
Looking back now I believe he never truly dealt with their deaths, there was times when he would get down,(probably mild depression), we had a good marriage, and two great kids, and anyone that knew him was shocked that he chose suicide, as they all knew how much he loved us.
We would have been married 25 years in August of that year, we went away for a week-end every year on our anniversary, and that year we were going to go away for a week in the fall when the kids returned back to University.
He was so proud of both kids, our son who was 21 when Allan died, was completing his 3rd year University and our daughter who was 18 was finishing her 1st year University. When our daughter went off to University, both of us would shed a few tears, as the house was so empty and quiet, and I remember he once said "it is the same feeling as when Mom died". He would be waiting at the end of the driveway when they came home for their breaks. As you can tell he was a very loving father and husband, which is why we are so confused and so many questions.
He was under A LOT of STRESS over the last 3 years dealing with a legal issue, where a neighbour slowly began to steal some of their family property (cutting down trees,and staking claim to our land). His father worked hard for that land, as it was once part of the family farm, and Allan could not see it fade away into the hands of a so called neighbour who never put an ounce of sweat into it.
He went through several groups of land surveyors and lawyers and spent countless days at the provincial archives studying old deeds and aerial maps trying anything and everything to prove he was right. All of this time and energy spent on the land dispute consumed him and he slept no more than two or three hours a night thinking of ways to convince lawyers that he was simply being honest and had an honest case.
Allan was such a man of his word and did not do well with "liars and thieves", so he was very passionate to bring this person to Justice, which unfortunately cost a lot of money and was very hard to prove. The day that he took his life he was told by a lawyer that he could lose all the land if he continued to take this to court. I guess this was the last straw so to speak.
I do not put blame on anyone, it was Allan's decision. I read once that it is like the cup that overflows with the last few drops, was it the last few drops that did it or all the drops combined in the cup that made it spill? I had tried unsuccessfully to get him to talk to a counsellor/priest etc before this, as I knew he wasn't sleeping and under a lot of stress.
It is so difficult to think that he chose to leave us for that. I know deep in my heart that he was obviously engulfed in his own pain and he knew how much this was hurting us also and thought we would be better off without him. Regardless there are so many "what ifs and should haves".
I reach out and accept any help and support I can get, and would love to not just sit and be swallowed up with questions and grief but do something to honour Allan's life. I was told once "not to focus on what he took away but what he has given me" and I TRY to live this everyday. Thanks for allowing me to tell my story.
