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Guilt ~

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

~ My New Nascar Family ~ My GodWink ~

I have new friends, Nascar friends ~ this past week-end in Las Vegas the Sahara Casino was closing ~ so we all gathered on Sunday for the last race that the Cafe would have. Friends, family and race fans showed up to watch. It was fun, enjoyable and just plain hell raising.
There's was only one problem ~ I discovered later that night I really had a great time ~ eating, drinking and just raising hell...
Here's the bomb ~ I discovered during this time I wasn't crying, thinking or remembering how much I missed Billy in my life.
Here's the next bomb ~ GUILT ~ I ask myself how could I go through that day without Billy on my mind. Does this mean "I'm Moving Forward"??? I forgot him for that moment in time.
I try to remember he wouldn't want me crying at home and not having any kind of life but Oh ~~~~~
NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT GUILT">>>
I know I deserve a life, I'm the living or sometimes the walking dead but still in this world so ~
Hello ~ people to people there here. Confusion, frustration and illusion are new words and ways of life. So what am I suppose to do? Sit here until the cows come home. 10 months ago I would have say 'YES' but now, I'm more understanding of this life and journey I'm traveling through, hurt? yes, tears? most nights, wanting? with all my heart.
The heart only knows what the heart wants. So for that brief moment in time I was liberated into another place and time ~
Should I feel the guilt? No ~ but I'm finding its not guilt, its a life gone I can no longer have, so now I'm making a new and different world without Billy ~ baby steps, sometime forward, sometime not....
I miss Billy so much at times the tears don't stop and my heart feels like it breaking into a million pieces but.....
I know tomorrow will come for me ~ So I will get up, clean up, put my make-up on and dress for work. Right now, that's my job.
My Nascar family understand and I know I could call on them any time of the day. In fact, I did a almost all night conversation with one of my friends who lost his wife 4 years ago. His words to me, "I'm here anytime", I understand. Someone I didn't know just a couple of months ago and he's there to listen when I need it. The paths we walk are so unknowing but if we look there are angels watching and helping to give a hand when we slip, fall and stumble.
Maybe it's another "GodWink" showing me the way.... I think so, and really, it doesn't matter to anyone but me ~
I love you Billy, I miss you with all my heart so thanks for helping me walk this journey and for my little "Godwinks" along the way ~
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for
Guilt ~

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No guilt allowed
by: Judy

Pat,
It sounds trite to say that Billy wants you to be happy, but I truly believe if all of our lost loves could have five minutes with each of us they would all say be happy, keep living, take ahold of your life and relish it. Billy had a big smile and twinkly eyes. I believe he enjoyed life and would want the same for you. So give him that as your legacy to him.

We are the ones living. It's hard to be positive, to "move forward" and to create this new life. But we must do it whether we want to or not. To move forward with some happiness is what we are all striving to do. You can do it. I can do it. We collectively can do it. We just gotta keep living one day at a time. So hang in there, one day at a time.

Hugs from FL to Las Vegas.

JM

Tell guilt to go to hell, let happiness in
by:

Patricia,

That is you in the middle isn't it? Defiant, courageous an attitude that you have been to the depths of grief and survived. I can see it in your stance. Yes you will be dragged back to loneliness from time to time. We are after all mere mortals human. But you are forging ahead in this new life. Your doing O.K...Cut yourself some slack and don't be so hard on yourself. This is after all THE most difficult thing that we have ever ever had to do in our life. If you enjoy one day in your life be Proud! not guilty.
It is not only what they would want but what we deserve. Viva la LIFE. Let's live it as hard as we grieved it!
HH

Guilt
by: Judith in California

Pat, yes, guilt crops up every time I forget to journal, every time I look at another man and start thinking it would be nice to have someone in my life again, every time I want to have a nite out dancing. every time I forget to rub the spot when his shoulder used to be. I feel like he still knows my every thought . He even controls me from the grave it seems. Of Course I know this is weird but none the less it happens. I still love him but I need love back.

Forge ahead and make a life you want and need. We all must do that. We need to connect with others and we were meant to connect in relationships with someone special.

Enjoy all the good times that you can. For we certainly hove our share of tears.

Guilt
by: M Mack

Pat,

Just because you're having fun doesn't mean you are not missing Billy. I am also starting my 10th month of life without Ray and i still think about him constantly. He's still very alive in my heart and soul, I'll never forget him. For now, we need to move along without them and be able to love ourselves and others. Friends and family play an important part of our lives....yes we are ALIVE. Don't hold back, be who you are and know that's what Billy would want for you. Give yourself the chance to do whatever you want and do it with no regret. My prayers and best wishes for you Pat because we all deserve to be happy.

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