~ My New Nascar Family ~ My GodWink ~
I have new friends, Nascar friends ~ this past week-end in Las Vegas the Sahara Casino was closing ~ so we all gathered on Sunday for the last race that the Cafe would have. Friends, family and race fans showed up to watch. It was fun, enjoyable and just plain hell raising.
There's was only one problem ~ I discovered later that night I really had a great time ~ eating, drinking and just raising hell...
Here's the bomb ~ I discovered during this time I wasn't crying, thinking or remembering how much I missed Billy in my life.
Here's the next bomb ~ GUILT ~ I ask myself how could I go through that day without Billy on my mind. Does this mean "I'm Moving Forward"??? I forgot him for that moment in time.
I try to remember he wouldn't want me crying at home and not having any kind of life but Oh ~~~~~
NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT GUILT">>>
I know I deserve a life, I'm the living or sometimes the walking dead but still in this world so ~
Hello ~ people to people there here. Confusion, frustration and illusion are new words and ways of life. So what am I suppose to do? Sit here until the cows come home. 10 months ago I would have say 'YES' but now, I'm more understanding of this life and journey I'm traveling through, hurt? yes, tears? most nights, wanting? with all my heart.
The heart only knows what the heart wants. So for that brief moment in time I was liberated into another place and time ~
Should I feel the guilt? No ~ but I'm finding its not guilt, its a life gone I can no longer have, so now I'm making a new and different world without Billy ~ baby steps, sometime forward, sometime not....
I miss Billy so much at times the tears don't stop and my heart feels like it breaking into a million pieces but.....
I know tomorrow will come for me ~ So I will get up, clean up, put my make-up on and dress for work. Right now, that's my job.
My Nascar family understand and I know I could call on them any time of the day. In fact, I did a almost all night conversation with one of my friends who lost his wife 4 years ago. His words to me, "I'm here anytime", I understand. Someone I didn't know just a couple of months ago and he's there to listen when I need it. The paths we walk are so unknowing but if we look there are angels watching and helping to give a hand when we slip, fall and stumble.
Maybe it's another "GodWink" showing me the way.... I think so, and really, it doesn't matter to anyone but me ~
I love you Billy, I miss you with all my heart so thanks for helping me walk this journey and for my little "Godwinks" along the way ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~