Guilt and missing my bestfriens

by Alyssa


I lost my dad in March of 2014 very unexpectedly; he was a healthy 70 year old who acted more like 50. My husband and I had a baby 7 months prior and my parents watched her when I returned to work. My dad would come over first then my mom a few hours later. That morning my husband wasn't going to work until later in the day and for some reason I never told my dad not to come. He slipped on ice getting out of the car and hit his head very hard. He was on a blood thinner for precautions against a stroke/heart attack. We took him to the local hospital immediately where he was evaluated and all his tests including a ct scan came back clear. They told is to keep an eye on him and wake him up every few hours but everything should be okay. 9 times out of 10 problems show up immediatly. The following day he came over to watch my daughter and ended up going home around 1 that day when my mom got there bc he had a slight headache. I usually call him 5x a day and that afternoon I just didn't...around 5 when I got home from work he called my mom to take him to the hospital as his headache had gotten much worse. He walked in to the er, have his name and shortly there after slipped in to a coma and never came back. He had a massive brain hemorrhage due to a bleed from the head injury that left him with irreversible brain damage. They transported him to boston where they tried surgery etc.

Not a second goes by that I don't think about him and feel responsible for his death. I am an only child and was very close to my father. I can't help but feel responsible for this happening, had he not come over that morning this wouldn't have happened or if the hospital had kept him over night. I feel guilty in so many ways and can't help but wonder if god is "punishing" me for something.

Any advice is welcome as each day seems to get more difficult.

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Aug 13, 2014
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you everyone for the kind comments it's nice to hear that I'm not alone in what I am going through. My prayers are with you all as well.

Aug 10, 2014
Your story
by: Anonymous

I'm sorry for your loss. I too lost my dad recently and feel a lot of guilt about the way things went down. I live abroad, fly home for month of august, and christmas time, called him every night and I just had so much hope that he was going to get better that when it took a turn for the worst I couldn't believe it. I took the first plane out, an 11 hour journey, I had arrived into canada and was 45 min from landing when he died. We were so attached to one another, and I can't believe I wasn't there. I'm suffering a lot now and just loved my life with him in it. We used to end every call saying "I'll take care of myself and you take care of yourself. Love you, bye". If I have to give advice, it's that yours is a terrible freak accident and its not your fault. It's bad timing. The only certainties we have in this life are that we're born and that we'll die, but we don't know how. Seeing a person suffer long term is torture on your soul as well, either way death is a sad ugly thing but also a sad ugly truth. Maybe your pain also comes from thinking what others are thinking, if they're blaming you, but this is irrelevant, love makes us want to have those we care about around forever, and blaming is part of grieving too at times, but at some point you'll have to understand that things went as they did and no one had control of it. You always called, and those one or two times that you didn't, something like that happens. Sounds like your dad died loved, and sounds like he was blessed to be a grandfather as well, we need to remember that hopefully our fathers lived a full life.

Aug 09, 2014
Dear Alyssa
by: Debby

You have touched my heart. This is NOT your fault honey. I am 7 months into the loss of my husband. I too have a lot of guilt. We really do beat ourselves up over every little thing. I woke my husband from an afternoon nap on a Saturday night because it was our "date night". He was 69 and I am 59. He fell going down stairs in our house and died 5 days later. I have spent every night wishing I let him sleep. I know it's not my fault, but just like you, we are doing the "if only's". You are a good daughter and your dad loved you more than words can say. You are NOT to blame. Life can be very cruel, it just wears you down at times. Talk to your mom. She will tell you it was not your fault. You are a busy mom with a little one. Your dad probably would have come for a visit anyway. He loved you! Don't forget that part. That bond is never broken. I wish you comfort and healing. You will be in my prayers tonight. Find a little peace wherever you can.

Aug 08, 2014
Dear Alyssa,
by: Anonymous

I want to tell you how deeply sorry I am for you and the loss of your father. My active, young-acting and seemingly healthy 81 year old father died suddenly from cardiac arrest in 2013. I am an only child also, and my father meant the world to me. My life has forever changed, and I think of him every single day. When my children were younger, he would come over and watch them, and he was still so active in their lives enjoying their teenage years right along with them. You are in the midst of raw pain and grief, and every emotion hits so hard. You had no control over this - none of us do. While I may not be religious in the traditional sense, I am very spiritual and do believe that God has a plan for all of us here on Earth. We are not meant to understand it, nor is it always fair, but it is faith that gets us through it. I go over and over in my head all the things I "should have" done when my Dad was in the ER. But the truth is, there was nothing that I could have done, it was simply his time. It has taken me almost two years to let go of the guilt and I slowly have come to accept his death. I wish you comfort and peace as you heal. Know that you are in my thoughts and my prayers. Again, I am so sorry. Barb

Aug 08, 2014
Guilt and missing my best friends
by: Doreen UK

Alyssa I am so sorry for your loss of your beloved father to a sudden death from a tragic accident. I can understand all the "If's". We just never know when any accident is going to happen and claim our lives. You have a busy work schedule and life and it is not easy to remember everything. It was just a tragic accident with your father falling down. The hospital should have kept him in under observation due to his age and his vulnerability. Your mother will be especially grief stricken having lost her husband. I just lost my husband of 44yrs. to a rare and deadly cancer 2yrs. ago and the worst loss ever to go through. My 3 Adult children lost a father. It was such a difficult time for them. It is only by TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME that I have gotten to the 2yrs. mark. There will be good days and bad days of missing your father, but in time you will recover from your grief. Guilt is also an aspect of grief and should disappear in time. But if it lasts you should see a grief counsellor so that this guilt will not interfere with your life and moving forward. We all wish we could hold on to our loved one's forever. Try and build yourself up this way your self-esteem will help the healing process. Just don't beat yourself up, because nothing good can come of this.

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