half my heart is dead

My Mom delt with cancer all throughout my younger years from about 5th grade till i was 16 when she passed it all felt unreal i think it was the first day of my sophmore year my dad walked in my room and asked how my day was then said your mom died i fell asleep right after that i felt like i needed to be strong and be happy becuase shes in a better place now and no longer in pain so i put a face on at her funeral lying to everyone and foolishly myself i started hanging out smoking weed with a rough group everyday that year everyone was experementing with different drugs those days went by quick the partying stopped and real life set back in the downside real life being about a year later were i now find myself a no longer a boy but a young man feeling like i just got twisted around and spit up out of the ocean making it hard to feel comfortable in my new body at times like putting on someone elses clothes i used to be holarious literally id make everyone who gave me the time to talk laugh thier asses off this has changed i am now very quiet and without meaning to i have a very serious demenor and feel uncomfortable around new people and in public in general i lost myself iv come to realize this may be growing up changing me but with the lifestyle iv led i havent been able to put my finger on it becuase i feel like shit becuase i dont purform in areas i used to i smoke lots of weed everyday becuase i feel it helps me coupe with anger and depression it makes me feel like everythings ok and just fine i really really miss my mother and looking down this long road ahead knowing i wont be with her again in this life pains me makes me want to kill myself and on the other hand says you dont want to kill yourself live your life to the fullest instead of throwing it away if you have nothing to lose anyway milk that shit for all its worth now all i need to do is be the amazing conversationalist imaginationist i used to instead of being silent around people when i hangout with girls or new people and feel uncomfortable i get nervouse and anxious and quiet and dont know what to say i then leave the conversation feeling like shit not knowing how to be myself and release my energy the social anxiety is driving me crazy

Comments for half my heart is dead

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May 06, 2012
Have Faith
by: Sharon

In the last 8 years, I lost my mom, dad, brother , husband and best friend. I hurts so much when I sit and dwell on my losses. I find I have to push myself to meet new people and experience new things. It is exhausting at times. Yet, everyday the pain gets softer, because I have reached out. I deserve to be happy and I know my love ones who have passed want me to have a good life.

Reaching out to this site has connected me with others who are hurting. Because of this site, I have learned about and joined a Hospice grief support group in my city. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. You are taking the right steps in telling your story and reaching out.
Hiding your pain with drugs and alcohol is not the solution. I know.

May 06, 2012
And half your heart is full of life!
by: C

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’ve had a rough time.
I want you to see that you’re in better shape than you think you are.
First, you are obviously very intelligent. You clearly lined out how you got to where you are now. You noted that you put on a face at the funeral. Some people don’t even realize when they started acting. You remember the person that you were before the tragedy hit. Some people are so far from their true selves that they can’t even remember who they were. You’ve identified the struggle with the two voices in your head- Know this- the one that wants to live is your real true self. That’s fantastic that you have that –after all you’ve been through- it shows that you have strength and a will.
Who cares where you have been and what you have done- it’s where you are right now that counts. Right now it sounds like you are wanting to and ready to move ahead.
You are heading on the right road. It may not feel like it, it may be uncomfortable but every day will get easier. Sometimes when you start to heal, it feels like two steps forward and 3 steps back. Just keep moving forward, one uncomfortable step at a time. Eventually it will get easier. You are not alone. You are not the only one who has felt like a mess. The social anxiety is hard. Remember that people will see the real you through it. Right now a part of who you are is shy and nervous and quiet. So what! Then just be the best shy nervous and quiet person in the room. You’d be surprised how many people will see your strength and sensitivity and honesty even if you are shaking in your boots. Good luck to you. What you learn about yourself in this stage of your life and the difficulties that you are going through will be your strength in the future. Someone is going to need you someday, when they are going through something difficult. You will be able to help them because you have the experience. It might be your friend or one of your own children you might have in the future. Trust me, someone is going to need you to show them the way out of their own mess. Your doing good, keep going, keep writing, keep talking it out. You will get there.
I’m not an expert, I am just a regular person, maybe a lot older but we are all still the same when it comes to this difficult stuff. You will probably miss your mother for the rest of your life. How could you not? That’s ok. You just have to figure out how to live your best life while you miss her. You will! You sound like an intelligent, honest, sensitive person. People will see that. I see it.

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