Happy 54th Birthday Billy

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Billy's 50th Birthday

Billy's 50th Birthday

I know birthday's are a celebration of your birth.
But now we don't celebrate that day ~ its a mourning date of our love ones. It's measured in days, months and then years ~ just like a child. But it's a distant of days, months and years we count away from us. Not like a child growing, but a loved one now gone.
Today, May 25th would have been Billy's 54th birthday.
I'm stuck between the past and the future. Do I stop or do I go. I'm still talking in the present and the past. I confused a co-worker and she was afraid to say something because she didn't understand. I agreed sometimes I don't either.
The moments come where I think I'm in control but Hello???
An illusion again. I'm starting to dislike the word "Illusion" because of what it means. Sometimes feel like I've got this in control and then there's moments and its life unbearable. I so confused and I just want to disappear at times. It's like a broken record I'm good and then not, I'm good and then not. My soul feels like its raw and striped to the core.
I tired of hearing "Its OK" "I understand" ~ just leave me out ~ it's an unbearable pain and my soul has been beaten and bruised.
On the outside I walk and talk just like everybody else. But on the inside, broken and crying. I'm tired, tired of the "it will be ok" "its your time" "it will take time". Everybody's got an opinion of where I should be and what I should be doing. All I really want to do is be with Billy. BUT.........
I can't and then everybody says "He's always with you" well "Bull###" he's not and let me tell you, at 11 months ~ it hasn't changed. So I guess there's a little anger ~ do you think? How long does that stage stay with us?
Words are words, but at times it feels like my heart feels like it can't endure anymore. I miss his touch, his kisses at night and warm arms around me. Even when we were mad, it was him, it was me, it was us and now it's just alone and lonely.
How do we go on? How do we survive? Is there a book, a class or online study course we can take? Send me to school. Show me where to sign up. I know I'm rambling but its seems lately what I've been do sometimes. Tears fall and I'm back to square one. I don't want to be here but I am.
Happily Ever after is only an illusion, again.
No one has the answers, its the journey we all must travel alone, from point A to point B. The problem is point B is ours only to travel because point A was the beginning, my beginning was Billy.
Happy Birthday Billy, I miss you so much ~
Love P
always, heart breaking ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for Happy 54th Birthday Billy

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May 28, 2011
by: TrishJ

I have most of my firsts without Joe to go through still. I'm not looking forward to them. We think we're doing OK ~ then BAM!! It hits like a tidal wave. What were we doing last year? What am I doing now? Having fun last year ~ now suffering and missing everything that has to do with our husband. The difference is we and I. There is no more we. It tears my heart out most days as I know it does yours.
What if we just aren't able to move on? I find myself not really wanting to right now. That scares me. I'm not ready to let go. Not yet. The grief counseling meetings that I attend tell me it can take up to two years. I get up each day hoping that I'll just make it through the day. As we both know the nights are tortuous. Lonely, crying, missing them. It sucks.
We keep on trying. That's all we can do. We pray, we continue to come to this site, we have to be patient. All things we really don't want to hear but have to face.
Hugs to you. I hope you have some better days coming up.

May 26, 2011
Remembering them...

All the comments; It takes time, He's always with you, What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and of course God doesn't give you more than you can handle...Does make us angry when we hear it.

We're not ready, We are angry and lost and hurt. The thing is the comments or some of them are true. It just seems impossible to survive alone when they were what made us and our life.

There is no magical time when this process happens. (finishes as acceptance) I still struggle and have bouts of loneliness and melancholy. But for the most part I am so much better than I was initially. For the longest time I saw no difference. Just functioning blindly trying to do something with the life that I have been handed and did not want.

June 6th will be a year and a half. I try NOT to count the months that he has been gone. I made it from month to month previously. The 6th of the month even Sundays were horrible. Weekends unbearable that tended to be when I had most of my meltdowns, this was pointed out by my sister.

It is a Long road and a very hard process grief. I hear that you never get over it but some how you manage to live with it. I got tired of grief controlling every waking moment. So I guess the only way to survive grief is to Live.

Not eating going to work etc. But trying to figure what makes you happy even if for mere minutes and go from there. There are lots of grief books and the one here is good. Keep trying day by day. It's all you,we can do...

May 26, 2011
No Celebrations
by: Anonymous

Pat, again you bring me to tears knowing just how you feel. I wish I could meet you and we could give each other a big, much needed hug. No one seems to understand that a simple hug would mean so much instead of saying anything to us. They don't stop to think we no longer can just hug our loves anymore. A hug means so much...I care, I love you, everything is going to be okay, and you're special". We still need to feel that.

On March13th it was my husbands Birthday and our Anniversary and it was one of the toughest days. It's that way for all of us. For every "first" without them that happens after they pass we go through this knowing we're just one never to share them with our loves ever again. I don't know if the "seconds" will be any effing different either.

Take care of yourself Pat.

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