Happy 54th Birthday Billy
Billy's 50th Birthday
I know birthday's are a celebration of your birth.
But now we don't celebrate that day ~ its a mourning date of our love ones. It's measured in days, months and then years ~ just like a child. But it's a distant of days, months and years we count away from us. Not like a child growing, but a loved one now gone.
Today, May 25th would have been Billy's 54th birthday.
I'm stuck between the past and the future. Do I stop or do I go. I'm still talking in the present and the past. I confused a co-worker and she was afraid to say something because she didn't understand. I agreed sometimes I don't either.
The moments come where I think I'm in control but Hello???
An illusion again. I'm starting to dislike the word "Illusion" because of what it means. Sometimes feel like I've got this in control and then there's moments and its life unbearable. I so confused and I just want to disappear at times. It's like a broken record I'm good and then not, I'm good and then not. My soul feels like its raw and striped to the core.
I tired of hearing "Its OK" "I understand" ~ just leave me out ~ it's an unbearable pain and my soul has been beaten and bruised.
On the outside I walk and talk just like everybody else. But on the inside, broken and crying. I'm tired, tired of the "it will be ok" "its your time" "it will take time". Everybody's got an opinion of where I should be and what I should be doing. All I really want to do is be with Billy. BUT.........
I can't and then everybody says "He's always with you" well "Bull###" he's not and let me tell you, at 11 months ~ it hasn't changed. So I guess there's a little anger ~ do you think? How long does that stage stay with us?
Words are words, but at times it feels like my heart feels like it can't endure anymore. I miss his touch, his kisses at night and warm arms around me. Even when we were mad, it was him, it was me, it was us and now it's just alone and lonely.
How do we go on? How do we survive? Is there a book, a class or online study course we can take? Send me to school. Show me where to sign up. I know I'm rambling but its seems lately what I've been do sometimes. Tears fall and I'm back to square one. I don't want to be here but I am.
Happily Ever after is only an illusion, again.
No one has the answers, its the journey we all must travel alone, from point A to point B. The problem is point B is ours only to travel because point A was the beginning, my beginning was Billy.
Happy Birthday Billy, I miss you so much ~
always, heart breaking ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~