a month ago I lost my big brother, someone I had all my life. We were close in age and no matter where we moved or who we lived with we were always together growing up. I idolized him. he was the greatest in my eyes. He commited suicide on his 25th birthday. i died a little inside and i lost hope in myself. he was smarter;more outgoing ;much more motivated than myself and i worry if he can't make it how can i?
Five days after my brother's death i stand outside my mother's house hearing the unthinkable, my mother has also passed. i go inside to see her. i had to find out if she had done the same as my brother. the only answer i have for now is that she died of a broken heart. she died the day after my brother's funeral and a day before her birthday. i try to make myself except reality, but this cannot be. there is no war, no plague, no plane crash that has taken my loved ones life. so why wouldone have to make plans for two funerals in one week? I give ack the keys to my mother's house and to her car and indoing so i feel as if i am giving away parts of her. i feel like i had no chance to say goodbye, so i must hold onto everything possible that connects me to them.
now i wonder who is next? i know everyone must die, but i feel as if i could lose anyone at any second. it is as if i am going through my days holding my breath. i picture every worst case scenerio like i am preparing myself for what is to come.
even through all the pain and confusion i know i must pull myself together. i have to make it to the end, where i can see them again... the only reason for living for me right now is so that i may die. when i do, i will have answers and i will have peace