Having a Hard Time Dealing with my Mom's Death!

by Ilana
(Florida)

The day of my mother's death still haunts me! Seeing her in ICU with all of the monitors and not being able to touch or talk to her was the hardest thing I every had to endure! No one should have to go through that! My one regret was not being with her when she died of Ovarian Cancer. I wanted to be with her, but it happened so fast and none of us (me, my Dad and brother) had no time to react. One minute she was lively and talking with us after having her third chemo and the next she was unconscious and her body was shutting down. The morning she died I said goodbye and then I had to leave because I knew in my heart that she was already gone and I was talking to an empty body. Looking back now, I know that I couldn't bare to watch the monitors flatline and see her take her last breath, because that is not how I wanted to remember her!

I keep asking myself why I didn't see that she was sick and force her to take care of herself. I knew something didn't look right, but I trusted that my mother knew her own body and as a Nurse was aware of her own health. I had no idea what the signs of Ovarian Cancer were then, but I sure know them now. One symptom was a bloated stomach. I noticed that my mother had a distended stomach, but I didn't want to let her know that I noticed it as she would think I thought she was fat. How do you say that to your own mother? She hardly ate, yet her stomach looked larger than it should. She thought that she was just getting old.

I can't break out of the unhappiness that I am feeling, especially now that my first birthday without her is coming up and the anniversary of her death on May 2. I don't know what's wrong with me! One day I'm happy and the next day I'm a basket case!