Having a Hard Time Dealing with my Mom's Death!

by Ilana
(Florida)

The day of my mother's death still haunts me! Seeing her in ICU with all of the monitors and not being able to touch or talk to her was the hardest thing I every had to endure! No one should have to go through that! My one regret was not being with her when she died of Ovarian Cancer. I wanted to be with her, but it happened so fast and none of us (me, my Dad and brother) had no time to react. One minute she was lively and talking with us after having her third chemo and the next she was unconscious and her body was shutting down. The morning she died I said goodbye and then I had to leave because I knew in my heart that she was already gone and I was talking to an empty body. Looking back now, I know that I couldn't bare to watch the monitors flatline and see her take her last breath, because that is not how I wanted to remember her!

I keep asking myself why I didn't see that she was sick and force her to take care of herself. I knew something didn't look right, but I trusted that my mother knew her own body and as a Nurse was aware of her own health. I had no idea what the signs of Ovarian Cancer were then, but I sure know them now. One symptom was a bloated stomach. I noticed that my mother had a distended stomach, but I didn't want to let her know that I noticed it as she would think I thought she was fat. How do you say that to your own mother? She hardly ate, yet her stomach looked larger than it should. She thought that she was just getting old.

I can't break out of the unhappiness that I am feeling, especially now that my first birthday without her is coming up and the anniversary of her death on May 2. I don't know what's wrong with me! One day I'm happy and the next day I'm a basket case!

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Dec 10, 2014
I don't believe
by: Anonymous

I don't know what is wrong with me. I cant process that she is gone. I just feel as though my mother is on a vacation relaxing. I know she passed as I was there when she passed. I cried a lot when she was sick. I have cried a few times since because I just feel like this is not real and is some crazy nightmare that I just have to bare through until the morning. I CAN'T ACCEPT IT.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Dec 09, 2014
Why my momma?
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom on November 30 to a fatal car crash. We had just celebrated Thanksgiving and was awaiting my nieces up coming wedding. She was my rock, best friend and counselor when I needed her. The loss is fresh and hurts to the bone. I know God has His reasons but why now? I am the oldest of five and I am trying to be strong but I find myself blaming my past behavior for what occurred. I know she would want us to be faithful and strong but I am failing miserably. We are a Christian family and rely on prayers and worship to help us through this. I just miss her so very much, I catch myself dialing her number just to say hello. We talked everyday, even if it were just for a minute or two. Really trying.------

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 23, 2014
I understand
by: Anonymous

I understand exactly how you feel, in fact it was strange how close our stories are. My mom passed away May 3rd due to ovarian cancer and watching her slowly die was the most painful thing.
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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Oct 05, 2014
...
by: paul119

I know your pain ..and i feel sorry for your lost, my mom died too when i was 23years old and my dad when i was 13 years old..alon against the world .in anger,pain,rage all that stuff and cant avoid off thinking about my parents...i really miss them trying to think only for a good times but...cant only one feeling left inside of me..have nothing to left to loose ,and the fearless cold heart left inside of me..but i need keep fighting for my own good and for better future and hope somedays my souls will find happynes too ..i hope ..really hope

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ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!
Jennie

Sep 07, 2014
I miss my mom
by: Anonymous

Hi, my mom passed in january 2013 from luekemia. She was diagnosed with MDS a bone marrow diesase. She went through so many transfusions that the hospital couldn't match her antibodies any more. She quickly went from MDS to sage 4 leukeimia. (Long story short) She decided to go into hospice after 2 runs of chemo that made her suffer alot. I miss her so much. We had a rocky relationship and I realize now that it was because we were so much alike. I regret alot of the arguments. But we both new that at the end of the day we loved each other alot. I did get to tell her how much I loved her. I was there by her side until she took her last breath. A large part of me died when she did. I live waiting for the day I get to see her again. And then I wonder... Will I get to see her again? I pray that yes, she'll be there waiting for me. I lost my sister many years ago. My father has been out if the picture since I was a child. I have been left alone in the world. I miss the uncondicional love that only a mom can give.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my story and sadness.

Sep 06, 2014
lost mom too
by: Anonymous

I feel the same way, my mom died of cancer a year ago on sept 2nd 2013, I sometimes still cannot grasp the fact that she is really actually GONE! I cannot call her, I can never see her again, I wont see her drive by or run into her at the store ever again, and it is hard for my brain to process. I don't think I will ever truly get it

Jul 19, 2014
To John
by: Liora

John,
I just read your comment and was very moved. Your devotion to your mum shows what a lovely person she must have been.
I felt the same about my mum (my earlier comment below tells of my experience of losing her). It's been 11 years since I lost her. In some ways, I miss her more as time passes. In other ways, time heals the acute pain and allows you to move forward as she would have wanted you to. Other people come into your life, children, for example - they help to fill the void. I had my kids after my mum died. Now I'm their mum & I have that relationship again, only in reverse.
I'm very sorry that your mum suffered - mine did too and it was hard for me to remember her as she was before the suffering for a few years. Now I do - I remember her when she was healthy.
I wish you all the best with your new baby.
Liora

Jul 19, 2014
mum
by: John

I miss my mum so much , and wish I had spent more time with her when she was alive. She was a lovely and proud woman , who a terrible disease took all her dignity away.
I visited as often as I could when she was terminally ill, right to the end, but the day she passed I was not there due to work.
I wish I could have been , but by the time I got there she was gone.
I miss her so much , and I am spending lots of time with my dad , who cared for her through her illness, to make sure he is alright.
We are having a baby and are trying to keep her memory alive with the baby's name.
I think and talk to her picture everyday , but it hurts so much to think of how she suffered, no one deserved that.

It has only been a month since her death , and it is all very raw at the moment. I am trying to keep her memory a live , with pictures around me.
I like to think of her looking down on us , and her smiling and still loving us from above.


Jul 18, 2014
broken hearted also lost my mother in june
by: shana

Hello! My name is Shana & I also lost my mama in June ,the 21st to be exact,so I can relate to you.To make a long story short, she was diagnosed with 3rd stage throat cancer in 2008, nothing but a roller coaster ride until she passed.Over 125 Dr. visits,hospital stays,etc.she was admitted to the hospital April 29th until June 21st.During these 7 wks.she went in a room 3 times ICU twice.She made the decision to have a tracheotomy to open her airway,& for the 1stfew days did good,but on the 11th of June made a complete turnaround, put back in ICU & we was faced with the decision of putting her back on ventilator.By this time she had a blood infection,& so we did not put her on it & was told she would not make it thru the note.She lived 10 days & those 10 days did not have a voice:( Now we knew from her telling us she didn't want to be kept alive on a machine but not having this in writing made it harder.So now I am dealing with the feelings thinking she left this world believing we gave up on her,& I can't handle it I feel like I let her down. But you hang in there hopefully things will get better for us both.:) my mamas birthday was the 4th of July.she would have been 58 & I am 38.

Jul 14, 2014
June 13, 2014 - Missing Mom
by: Anonymous

After a valiant battle with Lung Cancer, I lost the one person in this world that I truly loved... my Mom. Throughout my life, she had always been there. She helped me endure through Leukemia and it's miserable after-effects bringing me back to strength and health. She has helped me with a long-term battle with Hodgekin's Disease that I just can't seem to overcome no matter how badly I try. Prior to her diagnosis, I was with Mom every day. She was in her 70's and decided that she wanted to return to work. I was there because I was observing that something was wrong. Her balance was affected, she coughed alot, she was using alot of inhalers to help with her breathing...which I should have suspected were wrongly prescribed for her condition. In November 2013, the pain became more than she could stand anymore and she had to finally succumb to the fact that it was cancer. She endured chemotherapy, but insisted that I not participate because she was worried about how it would affect my already messy health. After 3 1/2 months of chemo, she had lost her hair, was experiencing far worse balance issues and was tired all of the time. In May, through my insistence, I finally began to become more involved. By this point, the cancer and chemo had done so much damage that she had lost almost half of her weight and her mind often wandered. It was so hard to accept what was happening!! On June 8th, we sat side-by-side and we talked about her feelings and how she felt so helpless and useless... we cried together and I held her tight assuring her that to me she could never be useless and how it was ok for her to be sick. We spoke about some favorite recipes and some private things between us. She hugged me tight and told me that she loved me so much. I allowed her to lay back down so that she could rest. This was the last conversation that we would have... and the last conversation that she would have as during that night, she slipped in to a coma that she did not recover from. The gravest struggle for me was to have to sit there, in the midst of people I just tolerate, and watch her dwindle away to nothing. The coma lasted until she passed in the middle of the night on June 13th. I am still overwhelmed and haunted by seeing her laying in bed, in her home which was her safe place, without moving and knowing that she was gone. I have cried, screamed, gotten angry... but I still can't go back there. I have not seen my Father since that day... I don't know how to face him. I'm planning to leave and go back home soon... and the worst part is to have to leave Mom behind me so that I can go on with my life knowing that I no longer have her to talk to or to escape to by coming back home. I'm a wreck and nobody can comfort me successfully. I just want to hear her voice again!! I still wake up 3 times every night seeing nothing but that recurring image of her laying there... empty and lifeless. I know, beyond a doubt, that she's with my Grandparents playing Canasta and she's no longer in pain or dealing with heartache/heartbreak. I miss her so!!

Jul 10, 2014
It's so hard and painful
by: Cathina

I'm very happy to have come across this blog and to know that I'm not grieving alone. I lost my mother just alittle 2 weeks ago. I think that what hurts the most is not having the opportunity to see my mother one last time. At the time of her death, I was out of the country. She suffered with alcoholism for many him years and was dead for several says prior to being found. I feel a tad bit guilty of not seeing her one last time but due to her advanced state of decomposition, I decided to not see her like that. Although I think that she preferred me not seeing her like that, I sometimes regret my decision. Additionally, I seem to not be able to accept the fact that my mother is gone and I'll never see her again. I cry a lot and know that she loved me very much. She had such a good heart and was so tender but was so broken. I wish I could have done more for her and made her happier but her sadness was dominating. Id do anything to see her again and assure her that I loved her soooooo much and I still do. I feel like I have a hole in my chest. I'm trying everyday to move on but I find myself breaking down... Especially at night.

I wish everyone here the best and just know that you're not alone. There's people that care and hopefully time will help you move on and live with that emptiness because that emptiness will never go away. God bless.

Jul 04, 2014
almost 6 years later and it's still hard
by: Kendra

This year will be 6 years that I've lost my mom and my favorite aunt who was like a 2nd mom to me. They passed away 15 days apart.. My aunt on on 9/20/08 and my mom on 10/05/08.. When my aunt passed my mom took ill unexpectedly and never got well.. Some days are good while others are not. My wedding is less than 3 months away and the closer the date comes, the more tears I shed and the more depressed I feel. It feels like a ton of bricks are on my chest and my emotions run so deep. It seems as if Im hurt more now than I was when it initially happened. I feel so alone.. I think about what life would be like if they were here and just pray and cry.. The emptiness and loneliness that I feel is so strong that sometimes I feel that I wont make it through. My son is now 2 and every time something goes wrong, I cry because they're not here and I know they would have helped me so much with him. w/o them being here, i have to depend solely on my fiancee's grandmother whenever I need someone.. It hurts so bad bc I know it woulnt have been that way if they were here. I just miss them so much.. Thanks for the blog.. I really needed to vent somewhere, and no one in my life understands how I feel. I'll pray for all of you grieving, and you all please say a special prayer for me!

Jun 14, 2014
To MAMAD
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my vibrant, glamorous mum 4 short weeks ago to the day. I am an only child and even though I am 52 I feel like a frightened little girl. She died suddenly, unexpectedly of a heart attack alone on her bedroom floor. I live in a different country but she spent 50% of her time living with us and she had only returned to UK 18 days before she died, looking healthy and lovely. I can feel HER shock. She had so much to live for. Most days I am overwhelmed although I go through the motions. I have nobody left now from my childhood. We lost my dad suddenly 14 years ago. I grieve for my 14 yrs son who adored his Gandma. The intellectual side of my brain knows she would be horrified that I was weeping so hard but the emotional side won't let it stop.

May 24, 2014
Can't understand WHY!
by: Mama D

I just lost my mom in April 2014 and I just can't stop thinking of her I thought she would be here forever what ever that means! Now I feel I'm nobody's child even thou I'm 50 years old I'm so so heart broken! I don't know what to do! I miss her!

May 05, 2014
Loss
by: Angelina

I wanted to start off by saying thank you to everyone who shared their stories, it helps us to feel less alone in our time or grieving. I lost my mother four years ago, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I'll admit at first I tried to hide the guilt and sadness, and it only hurt worse. It is okay to be sad or angry, and sometimes that is hard to accept. I try to remind myself that she is part of who I am, and I carry that proudly. Someone who loves so unconditionally and gives us so much of their patience, and care aren't meant to be forgotten. They are forever with us.

Mar 25, 2014
LOVE MY MOM
by: Anonymous

Its only being a week My mother died in an ICU room surrounded by family at a young age of 64. many thoughts go through my head like her not being at sons grade 12 graduation. I talk to her often although we lived many hours apart. I could not be in the room when they disconnected machines and I feel a little guilty not to be there for Dad and sister.im scheduled to go back to work tomorrow but debating if I'm ready. I miss her so much and there's an emptiness that I will never fill. I have a disabled wife to take care of and a wonderful teenage son. I have caused Mom so much grief in her life and yet she loved me with all her heart.. I feel so alone cuz I believe she is the only person who understood me and loved me faults and all....thanks for listening....

Feb 14, 2014
My mom just died
by: Mark

I'm here because I am so sad that it feels like I am collapsing inside. My mom died on the 10th of Feb, just a few days ago, and I didn't learn of it till the next morning when her partner called me.

We were close, but lived across the country. She was 81 and I am 46. I miss her terribly. My father stole us away from her when we were young and she lived a very sad life and I tried so hard to be a good son as much as I could but what can ever make up for this?

I am not religious at all, but I am a very sensitive person and the world is very hard for me to live in and I feel that this has happened because my brother (who turned out to be a thief and stole lots of money from her) and my father were not good to her. She had one of the warmest hearts in the world and I spoke with her every day for the last six years even though I couldn't afford to visit her. The guilt I have for not being able to give her a better life is so overwhelming .

I loved my dear mum so much and I just don't know what it is going to be like to live in a world where I know she is not here anymore. I am poor, have very few friends, and work a lot just to make ends meet in my single, solitary life and I feel like every day is going to be even harder now knowing that she is gone. I know she loved me unconditionally and no one else ever has, she loved me for all my bad and good sides and I am so incredibly lonely right now.

Feb 11, 2014
on the same boat here
by: Sol Giron

Hi Ilana!! I know it has being a long time since you wrote your story... any way, I felt like writing you back. I lost my mom too... a month ago, on January 04, to ovarian cancer. We thought for a long time she had some sort of liver disease, until we found a great doctor who helped us out to figure out what she was dealing with. I also saw may mom's stomach get bigger... and I let her know I didn't think that was quite normal, but when we found out what it was, it was already late. Any way, I never lost hope and I always thought we were gonna get through it. I always tried to cheer her up, and wanted her to be optimistic about what was going on. We only had one chemoteraphy... then the ascitis kept on coming and finally there was a lot of water in her lungs. I would have done any thing for her... cook for her any anti-cancer meal I could found out, gather her plenty of movies to think of something else beside her illness, read to her... I would have done anything for her. The last night I spent with her, I just remember waking up eventually to see my dad with his head on my mom's lap trying to help her out to get more comfortable. Every time I woke up I saw them both, in their unique way of loving each other. Dad didn't told me that the doctors had already told him that our time together was limited... It was after I gave her lunch, hugging her and telling her that it was all gonna get better... I left the room one minute to let my dad and uncle get in, then they called me to tell me my mom had died. Then it all gets blurry... I cannot recall my mom's face beside the face I saw when she was already gone. I want so badly to think of her differently, I just want to think of her and her great moments. I want to dream of her, but just happy dreams... not the ones I have of her being sick. I know it won't ever stop hurting... but maybe I will get used to her absence. I don't know... if there is somewhere you go after you died, I really hope it is like in 'what dreams may come'... and I will eventually see her again. My heart is broken.

Nov 05, 2013
Dreams of my mom..
by: karen

When I dream of my mom who has passed, why is it she is always in her "sick stage" of cancer?
I've had many dreams of her, but they are always sad ones and I wake up crying.
I really misss her. This December it will be 4 yrs since she died. I cry every single day. She was only 54 years old. Will this pain i feel get any easier?. I really have such a hole in my heart since she has passed. Its hard to get the last vision of her out of my head. I pray every single day that I see her again. I wonder if she knows how much i am hurting without her. Sometimes things will happen in my day, and i just want to pick up the phone and call her. Then it sinks in. The thought of not having her ever again to share things with. I'm hurting so much, and no one seems to notice.

Oct 22, 2013
I want my mom
by: Marlene Norman

Although my mom was old I miss her every day. All the feelings of happiness are gone. I feel desolate.I has been a year and a half now. I took care of her at home and the daily routine of washing dressing and so forth distracted me from her impending death . Now I am so empty.

Oct 21, 2013
i lost my mom dec 2009 to Ovarian Cancer
by: karen

Sometimes I just need to cry, let out what I keep inside all day everyday. My mom was my best friend. She passed away in 2009. She had stage 4 ovarian cancer. I keep replaying the last moments I had with her in my head. I held her in my arms and told her " you can go now ma, we will be ok". A few minutes of talking to her like that and she passed away. I was selfish in wanting her to stay, but I knew she was tired, she said it towards the end. She was just tired, her body had been through so much. I cry everyday because i miss her so much. I have a hard time finding happiness. I dont think i will ever be able to move on. My heart hurts too much. Im still waiting for a sign, from her that she is on the other side. That will give me some hope that I will see her again.

Sep 24, 2013
I lost my mom too
by: Bobby

I am 12 and my mom died on Sept. 10 2013. I have really coped because of my belief in Christ. I asked God if he was going to take my mother, that he would make me happy till I could see her in heaven again. He has made me happy and its only been 3 weeks!. So always remember that she's with you and that you will eventually see her again!:)

May 21, 2013
Ilana
by: Liora

Hi Ilana,
I just came across this post although I see that you wrote it a while ago. I also lost my mother to ovarian cancer a little over 10 years ago. She battled it for 2 years, but was diagnosed so late that she hardly stood a chance. She was only 56 and I miss her so much that sometimes it still feels unbearable and impossible to accept.
I had just got married 5 weeks earlier when I received the call from the nurse that I had better come home. I was in NYC and she was in London, UK. I flew there immediately and spent a day and a night with her. I watched her ebb away from us. I watched her inhale for the last time and not exhale. It broke my heart and although I have a loving husband and beautiful children now, she is still desperately missing from my life. She was so lovely and utterly irreplaceable.
I'm so sorry that you lost your mother to this brutal disease. I wish you strength and happiness going forward.
Liora

Mar 14, 2013
im praying for you all
by: Anonymous

My name is Dane. I'm 23 years old, about eight months ago I had to move back in with my mother due to me being laid off. On Feb 5 2013 I was awoken by a hard loud knock on the door. It was one of her coworkers saying my mom had been in a bad accident and had passed away. I couldn't believe what I just heard and instantly lost it. My mother tragically died on the job. She worked for *TA of Flint MI, she drove a bus full time.
Id say I know how you all feel but frankly I don't. I didn't get to see her in the hospital, she died with in minutes of the accident. She had got off her bus for a smoke on her brake. The parking brake failed and she ran after the bus to try and get back on to stop it from hurting someone. The front tire pulled her to the ground as she tried to open the door, the back tires ran her torso over. She weighed about 98 pounds, so the doctors said it would have instantly killed her.
We were literally best friends, I could tell her anything about anything and her the same, we never once judged each other. I was and still am a mommas boy. I'm having a real difficult time accepting the fact she is gone. I spoke at her funeral, talk to the air everyday, and talk about her all the time. But at nights when no one is looking I break down, I'm not suicidal or anything, I just lose it. I am mad for what happened, mad because she hated that damn job, mad because I didn't tell her I love her that morning, mad because she tried to save her job to support me, and mainly just mad at myself.
I am truly sorry for all your losses, its a sour feeling I wouldn't wish upon anyone. For most of us a mother is the most important woman in our life's, losing one is definitely the worst possible feeling one could imagine. I don't know if it would have been worse to see her in a coma and then pass or her passing and not seeing her ever again, as what happened to me. Either way is horrible but inevitable, we are all born to die. I just wish it didn't have to happen so soon.
They say our passed loved ones are always with and watching us, well I hope so. I hope she gets to see her grandbabys, and theirs to come.
I would like to thank anyone who took the time to read this, it feels a little better reading your story's and to know someone had read mine so thanks.
R.I.P my mother,
Holly Wilson
Forever love and miss you.

Mar 12, 2013
Regret didn't go home sooner to see my mother alive..
by: Jessie

My mom passed away 5 days ago.January 25,2013 she suffered a massive stroke and was in coma for 2 1/2 weeks.After 2 1/2 weeks she begun randomly open her eyes for a second and goes back to sleep.she couldn't eat,swallow so we have her on tube feeding,she was paralysis on left side of her body.as she is going to recover Dr.had send her home and waited for her to recover then begin her physical therapy as we waited for the right time to start therapy she couldn't function anything until she was suddently start looking like she was in real pain and 3 second later she was gone.It was hurt.My mother lives in my home country in Philippines and I lives here in the U.S.as I was preparing to go home to see her before she goes, airlines ticket has been book for march 25th,2013 but she passed away Friday.I regret not wanting to go sooner.I haven't seen my mother for 8 years but we were talking face to face on skypes once in awhile.The last time I was talking to her she was begging me to go home but times real tough on us I couldn't go until it happen to her.Now,I'll be never the same.I am leaving for couples day head home for her funeral and I am concern if I couldn't stand myself seeing her in the coffin couldn't talk and see me..I'm shacking nervous all the times thinking whats gonna happen when I get there.I cried to think about it all the time...I don't know what else I can do I'm soooo scared.

Feb 15, 2013
i hope my mum is free and happy
by: Anonymous

my mum died five days ago from copd i cared for her for seven years i was in hospital with her but in the end i dont no if she new i was there i hope she did every day was built around my mum meals washing etc and now i not no what to do we were very close and i realy hope she is happy and free from pain were ever she is life is so hard at the moment

Feb 05, 2013
still grieving
by: missangelnine

I stumbled upon this website because I'm feeling lonely about my mother's death too, and I'm crying while reading all of the posts in here.

My mother was diagnosed with COPD too, and she was hospitalized for six months and I cared for her until her death last December 2012. My mom and I were not really close, and I've always told her that she has to be strong and help herself. We get into arguments sometimes, and I'm really confused and I feel alone while caring for her.

One morning I left her because I have to go to an interview for our hospital financial support. I didn't know it would be the last time that I would see her. Afternoon came and my sister told me to go home because my mother didn't want to use her medical oxygen anymore. I came home and found her lying in the bed, the apparatus beside her. I got a bit angry and asked why she did that. She even peed in the bed so my sister and I had to clean it up. As I was about to replace the sheet, she told me to stop, because she's dying. I told her not to say that, and keep the oxygen on. I held her in my arms, her body leaning to me, and told her to breathe with me, but when she faltered, i was already in panic.

I still ask myself if it was my fault she died, and I really regret not being there when she needed me most. I told her once that she could now stop taking care of me because I can take care of myself already, but the truth is I don't know how to live without her. I feel so disoriented right now. I can't even think about my plans. I just take everything one day at a time. I can't even use the word dead when people ask me how she is. I can't fully accept it yet. I'm glad that she doesn't have to suffer anymore but I wish she could share a moment of happiness with us. I miss her, so much. She was the only one who accepted me even when I'm not perfect, even when I'm not good, and all of those times that I thought I was strong without her, she proved that I am not. Because I am strong WITH her, and now she's gone.

I just feel like sharing these because I feel lonely. thank you all for your insights, and I will keep them in mind. With these situation I learned to understand what things matter to me the most.

Aug 20, 2012
My mom died too
by: Amy

I totally understand what you went through. My story is very similar, I'm mad at myself for not knowing my mom was dying. She had copd. I knew nothing about it. I thought she had enphasyma, which is different. She had a hard time breathing. I noticed some odd things the day before she died. She was hot, well it was January. My mom was always cold. Just little things. And I didn't help. Her gasping for air, that became normal to see her catch her breath. I never knew she would die within 24 hrs. She got phenomnia. In the hospital she then had gotten Mrsa. I unfortuantly did see her flatline. I saw the monitors go from 37 to 27 to nothing. I didn't get to take her to the hospital I took my son to gravedigger. Indidnt know she was sick yet. I'm so mad at myself for going to the show and not going to see her that day. I wouldn't of changed anything, but I couldve spent a little more time with her. I miss her so much. It's almost 7 mos. I'm having a really hard time dealing with her being gone.

Apr 19, 2011
Understand
by: Anonymous

Hi Ilana,

Thank you for sharing your story. I almost felt like i was writing as I was reading your story. My mom stayed in ICU for 6 weeks and passed from complications of surgery for her ovarian cancer. I was there when she took her last breath, but it was the hardest thing. She did not look ready to go and i was NOT ready to let her go. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the signs of OC (or not knowing)...i trusted she'll know better and thought it was just her age (getting fatter maybe). I was so wrong. Anyway, just wanted to let you know someone out there understands.

Apr 07, 2011
I completely understand
by: Marjorie

Hi Ilana,

I love your name. It's beautiful.

I wasn't there when my Dad passed - I just knew I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was there a few hours before but i knew I had to leave - it was already so difficult seeing him that state, I knew I couldn't stay for the rest.

I felt really guilty about it, too...I would have done anything for him...

And now I just miss him so much...it's so painful.

I was able to work through some of my guilt with a grief counselor - we talked it through and it released me from the guilt I was feeling.

I hope you are okay today.

Thank you for sharing - it's helping me grieve.

Apr 07, 2011
One Day at a Time....
by: TrishJ

Iliana~
I am dealing with the death of my beloved husband. It's only been 4 months so I'm on the up and down roller coaster ride. One good day ~ two bad days.
As a nurse myself, I can tell you that Ovarian cancer is one of the hardest to diagnose. By the time a diagnosis is made the cancer is generally so advanced that there is very little that can be done. The symptoms are really many that you might just chalk up to getting a little older. Sometimes we nurses neglect our own health while we are watching over everyone else. We just don't think anything will happen to us.
I relive my husband's last day over and over in my mind. Why do we torture ourselves? I know there was nothing more that could be done as I'm sure you feel the same in your case. We were asked to leave the room while the doctor turned off my husband's heart device. When we returned he was so still. No color at all. It was all so final. His soul was gone.
It's taken me 4 months to accept the fact that his death was for the best. It was God's wishes. He isn't suffering anymore but I sure am.
We suffer because we loved them so much. We miss their physical presence and we always will. Time DOES NOT heal the pain as many people like to say. We do learn to live with it, come to terms with it and eventually become able to remember the happy times and smile a little. Your mom would want you to be happy. Live your life and make her proud as she's looking down over you. Blessings, joy and happiness to you. We have to find that happiness in the little things wherever and whenever we can.

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