Having a rough time....

She passed on January 22nd, 2011...

The shock has worn off (I think).

Now, tonight, I am just numb--- have been stuffing myself with food and youtube for hours...

Total escapism.

Escape the reality, the pain, the numbness, the everything...

Escape the fact that she is gone.

I cannot believe that I will not see your smile or hear your voice in this lifetime-- ever again.

I just want to sleep.

Like totally escape!

Tonight it's hard.


Comments for Having a rough time....

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Apr 05, 2011
Having a rough time
by: S.L.

Hi Walter,

My name is Sandy. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me your name. I am glad you feel able to move forward. Your mom would be so happy. She created us to be happy. Good luck in your apt. Yes, we need to grieve, but life does go on and so MUST we. I feel like my emotions are all over the place. Being a woman, I can appreciate how hard it must be for you. People are people whether we are male or female. Let your feelings out when appropriate. Get alone-get in touch-our moms were very important to us. We cannot and must not pretend they did not exist.

I am having a rough night. I am usually the one who always sees the bright side of life, and I still do most of the time.

But, tonight, I am having a rough time, I'm sad, and darn it, just want to talk to my mom. I can't. It is not fair, but IT is...nonetheless.

I know she hears me and hurts....she is happy and now I am not, and we are sad. It is soooooo hard.

We are who we are because of our moms. We need to respect them and make them proud. I am trying.
Thanks for the ladybug story...I will never look at a ladybug the same again.

Thanks Walter. Take your time to respond.

Apr 05, 2011
You are not alone
by: Anonymous

I am sorry that you are left with the responsibility of raising your special needs brother alone. I have been teaching Special Ed since 1986. I believe everything happens for a reason. I am glad you finally let yourself cry. It is cleansing to the soul and part of the healing process. You HAVE to cry. You will be stronger if you release the pain instead of holding on to it. You, like the rest of the responsible ones, have to be strong, but we must take care of ourselves by allowing ourselves to grieve. I feel your pain. My students wonder why I yell at them sometimes.....not often...but a lot more since my mom died 1/22. I told them, do you want me to yell or cry? Honestly, I did not tell them that, but I wanted to. They just probably think I am in a bad mood. I am doing the best I can. Some days are better than others. You are strong. You will make it, but we are making the next step by talking to each other. We need each other. Hang in there. You can do this.

Apr 05, 2011
Lost my mother in 20 January 2011
by: Wonder

She left me with my brother who has mental difficulties, she was a single parent did everything she could and now suddenly she died. I never cried, for the sake of my brother and others who my mother to care. I did everything to numb the pain that reality brings, today I cant.

Apr 05, 2011
Thank you!!
by: Walker

Dear S.L.,

Thank you so much for your words.

I will write more when I have a bit more time.

Lately, I have been very "full on"-- about to renovate my living space-- a studio apartment in NYC.


How can I really be "moving forward" with my life?

(And do I really even want to do that?)

Well.... yes!

I do!

I do want to live...

I do want to enjoy life...

I do want to love...

I do want to give...

I HATE that she is not here to share this life...

But I know that she does want me to be happy.

She always wanted that.

More later.

thank you and thanks to everyone connected with this site.

My name is Walker.


ps The "white bird" story is so great!!

I have one, too, that includes ladybugs!!

Go figure!!

Apr 04, 2011
To the man who lost his mom on 1/22/11 like me
by: Anonymous

Your words and feelings about your mother's death are very reassuring to me. I find myself feeling the same way. Our mom was cremated as well. We did not accompany her, did not know that was possible, but, at any rate, on 3/16/11, my son and I put her ashes to rest with my father who was killed in 1972. We had a separate service days after her death. It was very good closure for us as he is my oldest son, and grandma favored him. He is such a blessing to me. I imagine you were a huge blessing to your mom. How wonderful it was for you to be with her til the very end. That was the right and good thing to do.

I have a question....within a week of my mom passing away, right after a bad snow storm, I was clearing off the drive and cars, when I looked up, I saw a PURE white bird flying alone overhead. Without even taking a breath, I said to the bird, Wow Mom, great to see you out of bed. It was weird but so calming at the same time. Has anyone ever experienced that after losing a loved one? It was so special to me. It was as if she was telling me everything including her was okay. Hang in there. Enjoy the spring flowers. Just think how much your mom probably enjoyed the flowers during her life. I don't think we should ever resent God's handiwork. I understand your pain, I do, but I have decided we have to find joy in the things around us.

Take care. Please write back. I would appreciate initials or some code name so I can continue to dialogue with you if you would like.

I will understand if you can't.


Apr 03, 2011
Thank you for your understanding
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for both of our losses. I totally get what you are going through. It seems as though I am doing fine one minute, and then the next, some memory, some object triggers a sadness that reminds me of mom. I may be in the middle of a great evening, and then I am just a puddle of tears. Now that we are finally having to face taking care of and cleaning out my mother's very full house, I feel as though I am experiencing her death all over again. It makes me wonder why I didn't stay a little longer when I went to visit her . I will never get it back. I miss her so much. My sister and I have a long road ahead of us taking care of business, but I am thankful out of 5 kids, my sister have our priorities straight. I am so angry at the other 3 kids, and I am the youngest. All they are worried about is when will the next insurance check come in the mail? They make me sick. I am constantly going from sadness to anger. Yep, I know natural stages of grief, but knowing that does not make the process easier. Please feel free to write any time. We are still grieving, even though some people think we should be over it by now. My mom was the longest relationship I have ever had with anyone. We need to be allowed time to grieve. Thanks for writing back. It is nice to not feel alone.
Take care. We will make it.


Apr 02, 2011
thanks to S.L.
by: Anonymous

Thank you very much for your words...

Both our moms died on 1/22/11...

Both our moms were 80 years old...

And both of us (you and I) obviously feel bereft.

Glad I saw your post tonight.

It's one of those nights I am trying to drag myself into sleep, but having so much resistance.

Your post helped me to just cry a bit...

Haven't done that in a while.

Mom, I do miss you very much. AND I will honor your memory with love and gratitude.

Thank you for all you have done for us.

I am very.... "appreciative".

That's the word you used when I came into your hospital room on January 10, 2011.

You reached your hand out for me and you spoke those amazing words, even though your speech had been impaired by the illness.

You said, "I'm very appreciative for everything you've done for me..."

And I smiled for all I was worth (trying not to cry) and said, "Oh Mom! Thank you!! Well, I'm very appreciative of YOU and all you've done! What a terrific mother you've been to us all! I feel so incredibly fortunate!"

And later that day, I got to ride in the ambulance with you as we headed back to your house for the final journey.... the culminating 15 days.

What a beautiful and brave woman you were in your lifetime.

And I know that your soul is now shining, shining, shining... and sending love to all you precious ones.

Thank you so much, dear one!

I am very very appreciative!


Mar 26, 2011
I know exact;ly how you feel... I think....
by: Anonymous

My mother who was 80 died on 1/22/11. My sister and I were by her side in the hospital pleading with her to let go.....she was in so much pain... We couldn't bear it, she did not deserve to go through all of that pain. Yet, she held on because she had 5 kids who needed her, mind you, I am the youngest, and I am 52. I did not want her to die, but she needed to let go....

I am sure you get the picture. I miss her so much. I just want to call her, hear her voice....I was so busy....I did visit her every day from 10/15/10-1/22/11. I do not regret any of the visits. Sure I was tired, so was my sister, but if she, my mom, could endure all of the pain she did with Guillan-Barre, then the least we could do was sit with her and keep her company. She kept asking me, what did I do to deserve this, and I always told her nothing. She was the best mom. I hate death. I am so angry, and so sad. I told my 18 year old son, I have to hold it together all week at my job, please let me fall apart at home on the weekends.

Do I think it will get better? Absolutely!!! You are not alone. My mom always said, "Don't sweat the small stuff, it is all small stuff." So true, in the end, does any of this matter? Not so much. Does all of this make me appreciate life more? Of course.

Hang in there. We will get through this. I am trying my best.. I just miss her so much.. Every day is a gift. Take care.

You are not alone..


Mar 26, 2011
by: Anonymous

It is absolutely unbelievable that Mom is gone...

I hate it.

I'm angry and sad and everything all at once.

And yet, I also think that she is in a better place... She was suffering during her later years-- especially during the past year.

My mom died this past January 22nd, 2011... I was looking into her eyes as her life force withdrew from her body. What a sacred and profound moment.

Using no words, using only my thoughts and feelings coming through my own eyes, i tried to communicate to her,

"Yes! GO! Fly, Mom! Fly into the arms of the angels! You will be met by a loving presence that is greater than any you have ever known in this lifetime! I love you! And we will be together again... I love you so much! We can let go now..."

And then she was gone...

I stayed with her physical form for a couple of hours after she passed--- I was chanting and praying and sending my blessings...

And in a couple of days, I accompanied her form to the cremation service... I help to usher her form into the chamber... I pushed the button that would start the process of transmuting her body into ashes, into dust...

I did not want someone else to do that... I did not want a technician who did not know her to do that..

I am her oldest son... I wanted to lovingly escort her body into the next phase...

It was powerful, and profound, and achingly beautiful.

And i was doing fairly well for the first couple of weeks.

But now the shock has worn off-- and the whole thing is too real and sad.... this loss ... this bereavement...

Time will pass and the seasons will change...

I will get better... i will live again...

But for now-- It sucks.

I even resent the flowers for blooming this Spring!

How about that?!

One day, I will be happy again...

In fact, I am at least grateful now... Grateful for having had such a beautiful and loving woman to be my mother in this lifetime. I REALLY am very fortunate. So fortunate!

Thank you, Mom!

Mar 25, 2011
thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you, Yvonne.

i will also keep you in my prayers.

My grandmother used to tell me the story of how she responded after the death of her own mother...

She called it a "nervous breakdown"...

Couldn't eat. Could hardly go out. Couldn't function.

She told about how she went to an antique shop (she used to love those), but when it came time to pay for the little thing she was going to purchase, she said she was so nervous that she couldn't even accomplish that small task-- She had to leave the store without making the purchase.

Finally, the family doctor came and gave her a good "talking to".

I used to love to hear her tell how the doctor said,

"Well, now, your mother raised you to be in the home--- to take care of the home after she died.

And I feel very sure that she would be very disappointed to see you in this condition as you are..."

Then my grandmother would say, "So I just said to myself, 'There's somethin' to that... I'm gonna just try and do as my mother would have me do.' "

And that's how she overcame her "nervous breakdown"...

Self Care...

Sometimes, it's easier to want to live for someone else than it is for our own selves!

Thanks for your sweet words.

Mar 25, 2011
thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much, Mari

Mar 24, 2011
I know
by: Yvonne

It is the opposite for me. I can't eat, i don't eat to eat, food has no taste. Roger died in July and i have lost 65 pounds. The pain I feel can't even be expressed. I know your pain. I am so sorry for you loss. I will pray for you and for me!

Mar 24, 2011
having a rough time
by: Mari

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I realize you are going through so much and the loss is recent. you have come to the right place as there are very caring people on this board. My heart goes out to you at this difficult time.
This is a time to go to the Lord and ask Him to help you get through this. Every morning and every evening.

The grieving process takes time and it is not the same with everyone. There is no way around it. You need time. Things may never be quite the same but you can make it through with God's help. Feel free to post anytime whatever is on your mind and heart. We care.

I lost my husband in Nov 2009 and am doing better but miss his hugs and just knowing he would soon be home from work. I am handling everything and have picked up a wonderful part time job plus manage the complex. My husband adored the grandchildren. The grandchildren miss him so much.
For me being busy is helpful, my church family and my faith. So call on the one who can truly comfort you. Take care of yourself and keep posting. God bless you.

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