he died 6 years ago and I think iam just starting to mourn

by korina

He was a drug addict so the possibility of him dying was always present but when he got into rehab things really changed.For the first time we were making plans for the future.He was clean for a year and a half before he bought the motorbike.He had wanted it from his teens but it was the first time he could actually afford it.I was so excited when he first bought it!Two months after he died in an accident due to speeding.I was 10.When my mother came to tell me i almost shed a tear but stopped it because my mother was crying her eyes out and had noone to comfort her.I never cryed and never allowed myself to think about him.Now 6 years after and with the day he passed being only days away I am feeling weird.I think about him all the time i remember how when he odded once i asked mom if i could ask god to die in his place and I feel depressed without an obvious reason.I cant talk about it with mom because she is happily married,pregneant and does not even mention his name any more.Can somebody give me an advise on how i should cope with this?

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May 02, 2013
6yrs. and just starting to mourn my brother
by: Doreen U.K.

Korina my post has been lost so will redo this to you.
I am sorry for your loss of your brother 6 yrs. ago. You were only 10yrs of age and much too young to be the one to support your mother in her loss of her son (your brother). It seems that whilst you were becoming the adult at 10yrs. of age you were supporting your mother and got lost. You were not nurtured or allowed to grieve. You are now 16yrs. and very mature. But. Your grief is now pressing for resolution and so your grief has gone underground in you and turned into depression. Because of your circumstances you should think seriously about seeing a grief counsellor where you will be given the time and space to grieve in a safe environment.
Your mother has gone on with her life and moved forward whilst you are left feeling alone with your grief. Your mom may not be the best person to support you because she is pregnant, and won't want any distress. Also because your mom lost a son. You lost a brother and the grief will be different for each of you.
You should emerge from counselling feeling less pain and moving forward. You should also be able to get your life back on track where you will be able to develop yourself and where you want to be with your life.
Grief is different for everyone. I lost my husband 1yr, ago on Sunday and I am just beginning to feel my grief now. Grief eventually starts pressing within us for resolution and this is why you are feeling this intense grief now. There is nothing wrong with you. You were young then. Now you are mature and things are starting to stir inside you and you will have a lot of questions you want answered. Take one day at a time. Don't think too far ahead. Be patient with yourself. Stay close to your family you still need each other. But you need to take care of yourself. You need to see your needs as being a priority and do something about this so that you can move out of your depression. I hope that you are able to get a good counsellor and you do make strides into healing from your loss of your brother.

May 02, 2013
He died 6 years ago and I think I am just starting to mourn
by: Doreen U.K.

Korina I am sorry for your loss of your brother 6 yrs. ago. You are more mature now and will have entered a phase of understanding as a mature young woman where you will question more and feel more. What has happened is you have repressed your grief and now it is pressing for resolution. This can happen at any point in a person's life. It took me to reach 40yrs before I went into counselling and resolved my losses and in a mentally healthy and happier place in my life now. Best thing I did was to seek counselling. Because I did it 25yrs. later everything in me was all compacted and tangled up and I couldn't untangle it so I needed to go into counselling. I discovered that because I was seen by my mother as being the one who could be the caretaker for the whole family this is what I did. I carried the weight for everyone even taking on adult responsibilities I was not ready for. I lost in essence my childhood and part of ME.
This is why it is so important to not repress grief. I got to the place where I couldn't function anymore.
I see similarities in you. You tried to put your mother's needs first and so you repressed your own emotions. BEWARE. It all catches up with us eventually. The later one leaves doing something about this the longer one needs counselling. I did this for at least 4yrs. You are still young so won't need to do this for as long as I did.
But you could benefit from seeing a good counsellor and you will have the space and the attention you need to talk to someone in an impartial way who will be of more benefit to you. Often we don't get our needs met within our framework of family because everyone's needs are changing and different from ours and so the support is not as one needs.
You will come out of your grief a more whole person. You will get your life back and will be amazed at how better you feel and also how well you are able to move forward into leading your own independent life. Your mother has made a new life for herself and you will eventually be able to do the same. It can be an exciting challenge and discovery finding yourself after grief.

May 01, 2013
Just starting to mourn
by: Leticia

I would say, maybe if you find a grieving support group in your area might help you. It's been good for me. I am a mother of three children. I loss my son in a car accident due to a heart attack. He left behind five children. I loss I'm in Set of 2012. I used to cry all the time and became very depress. I wanted to die with him. I am now in a grieve support group and its been very helpful. It has help me be not be stuck in the phases of grieving and allow me to go through these tough times to move forward. Hope I was some help.

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