He is gone but I feel he still alive..

by Malva Velasquez
(Countryside il)

My was an agronomist. One day he went to the mountains to check something about his job and sadly he got bitten by a bat.
5 days later he was in coma. The doctor took his right leg because it was infected, thinking he will be better after that, but nothing happen.
I never went to see him because we are from Panama and I am living in U.S, I got a student visa and I was afraid to lose it. And if I lose it I also wont see my boyfriend again and we have a strong relationship.
My relayionship with my day back in Panama it was ok until I was 18, we fight becuase he had another family.
So when I knew he was in coma I started to be concern about What would I do if he died? Would I go back?
For 5 months he was in coma and 3 days ago he passed away :(
When my mom told me I was at college. I didnt know what to say....
I stayed here in U.S I didnt go to his funeral. I feel so bad because I did this, he was my father and I picked to stay here. Also I dont talk about it with nobody. For me my father still alove i cant accept he is not longer here. He is my dad!!
The last time I saw him I ignored him... Because I was so upset at him.
Now he is gone, I know he knows already I apologized him, I know he is in a better place, I know he is looking at my from heaven. I know all the stories to make somebody feel better.
I havent cry my dad either, I dont talk about it! For me my father still alive...

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Aug 26, 2012
He is gone but I feel he is still alive.
by: Doreen U.K.

Malva, I am sorry for your loss of your father. You will have to face the REALITY. Your father has died. But you will feel his spirit still here with you. If you don't face the reality that your father has passed away, then you won't grieve him. You will store up more problems for yourself and your grief will be more painfull if it is bottled up and it will last longer. If you are having difficulty with this loss of your father. Go see a grief counsellor who will be able to help you over this loss. You were in a difficult situation. If you went back to see your father you wouldn't have been able to talk to him because he was in a coma. You may not have been able to get back into the U.S. so you made the right decision. Sometimes we make a decision and it is the wrong one. But we have to live with this. We all do this in life. We live with REGRETS. Sadly this is part of life. You had an arguement with your father. You did not resolve this by talking to him. You will have to FORGIVE yourself for this and let it go. Your father can't feel any sadness, sorrow, pain, or regrets. He knows nothing. It is as if he is sleeping. God has him now. It is you who is left to feel the hurt, regret, guilt, and pain. your father is FREE. Concentrate on your Mom and how you can support her in her grief at losing her husband. Take time to grieve. Cry, shout, scream if you have to. Just get as much pain out of your system till you feel better. Grief feels as if the person who has died is still living. Most of us get this feeling. It is called DENIAL. We just can't process the passing away of a loved one so our mind denies this has happened. This delayed reaction protects us rather like shock absorbers. This takes the shock out of the loss. does this make sense. I hope that you start to feel at peace now you have told someone how you are feeling.

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