He is GONE

by Kit Lemmons
(Phoenix, AZ)

My Brother Killed himself April 2nd 2010..Over a year and it is still raw and ugly. He was so sick and yet I didn't see it, my family didn't see it and now it is just too late. He left behind 5 kids. Going through a divorce triggered his temporary state of "insanity" that led to his violent act. I feel empty, lonely, betrayed, hollow, he was my Brother, my only sibling and so important to me. He was prepping me for all of this and I was so blind to it..he was so desperate and I did nothing..he lived so far away but when he was dead I got on a plane and flew to get his ashes, to speak at his memorial, to do what I would not do while he was living. I will never have another brother..I miss his voice, his humor, his love. He left me and I am so sad. My Kids are broken, his kids too..My Mother and Father have stopped living because this guilt eats you up. It takes you over and all the screaming, crying pleading to God changes nothing. I have had professional help for the last year, in the beginning I had to drug myself just to make it through each day, xanax and ativan were my best friends..now I am just learning to cope. I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress disorder and i think in some ways I am still in shock. I know it is real, I kept waiting to wake up..I kept feeling like it was so evil and fake..but it's as real as it gets. I am checking back into my life. My Husband, my children deserve me. I did not Die with Tab. He chose to leave and I must learn to accept that it was his choice and his choice alone. I will honor his memory through living my life to the fullest. HE was the one full of love and life. He was the one that was special and made this world shine brighter by just being here. HE just forgot. He just lost sight of who he was. God bless him, God bless his Children who have to grow up without him. I never understood how hard death was. Until you lose someone who is so much a part of you, you can't understand. I still live day by day..I still cry every day, I still lose it have panic attack, but I know that I will make it through this and I know I will see him again. Just keep on keeping on (as Tab would say)