He is my Everything!

by Audrey
(Oceanside, Ca.)

Hi, I said he is my everything. Because all our 30 married years my husband would say Mom gets everything! I would said that's right because you are my everything! My husband passed suddenly October 28th 2010. How I got through this pass year is beyond me. My husband was healthy never even wore eye glasses. That is how we knew something wasn't right. His right eye started to get blurry. Found out he had a tumor on his pituitary gland which put pressure on his optic nerve. It wasn't cancer but it took 3 surgeries in 10 days to get it completely gone. He was so happy to see out of his right eye again. He was home for 3 weeks, doing well. I would try to get him moving he would tell me his head hurt to much. But I had run to the grocery store, came home. He wasn't hungry just wanted his pepsi. So I got him one, he then was making some hard breathing noises. I ran to him ready to call 911. He said no, no. Told the lady what was happening but he was saying no. Told her I was bringing him in. The minute I hung up, he couldn't breathe again. Called 911, asked them to come. She was on speaker, told me to pull him out of his chair, I did, then ran to open front door. She had me do CPR. I guess they don't believe in breathing in their mouth as you pump their heart. But I did it the only way I remembered. I was yelling at him not to leave me! The fire department came, but he passed with me. I have gone through all the what if's! And I'm grateful for having 30 wonderful years with him. We have 4 children, 5 grandkids. My husband was blessed to walk both his daughters down the isle. Be our younger son's best man. See two of our grand daughters be born. I got through the holidays because I found a wonderful medium through the James Van Praagh site. He is very well known, but didn't do one on one readings. So when he recommended 3 in my area, I felt I found someone who wouldn't take advantage of me. This woman had no idea why I was calling or who I lost. She told me, and never charged me a dime. My husband always had a mustache our dating and married life. Till the surgery, he shaved his mustache. I teased him said grow it back I don't know you. And he was! The medium when I first spoke to her (on the phone) said Honey you lost your husband, and he always had facial hair but then didn't but was growing it back for you. She had me then. I paid for an hour on Thanksgiving morning. With our kids sitting around the table, she told us so many things that she couldn't have found out by any means. Later in April she said my husband said another grand baby is on the way and it's a boy. But no one was pregnant. We found out after Easter that our son's wife was pregnant. Then later it's a boy! He is due January 14th. I feel I made it through all the first. The anniversary just passed. Lately I have had a lot of anxiety and worry about so many things. I always had him to talk to and ask things. I don't really work. He was my sole provider. I go and cook for a single man 3 days a week. Able to bring my youngest grand daughter. I'm surviving on life insurance. But it goes quickly, selling a small cabin. Broke my heart to do it. He loved it so much. I know he wants me to be happy. We saw his Mom live 16 years without his dad. How lonely she was. We told each other we never wanted the other to be sad and alone. I feel I've gotten stronger, but then bam I just break down. I hate this roller coaster ride. I hear I need to get out and meet people. That is so hard. I don't have a regular job to meet people. I met my husband at work. Times I feel I can do this, I have to. But when my sweet 5 year old grand daughter said she doesn't want me to go to heaven yet. She had tears in her eyes. Which made me cry. Told her I wasn't for a long time. Papa knows I'm needed here. She then said don't cry, I said you started it she said no you did. Went back and forth till I had her laughing. I found this site, because I'm trying to find peace and see that I'm not alone. And I know I'm not. I have our grown kids that are very supportive. I'm only 51 not real young but not old either. There are no support groups here in less you are a widow with young kids. Not fair, I'm a in between. Life is so hard. Just wanted to vent and say what a great life I had with the man of my dreams. Just wish he would visit me in my dreams. Had 4 real like dreams, but nothing in months. Our younger grandkids talk to him, the 3 year old has said she was with her papa in her room. Love to think he is always here taking care of all the people he loves. Thanks for all who listen, and any advice for the pain will be appreciated.