He left me after 22 years, he just didnt love me anymore

by Angela atherton
(Merseyside, england)

My husband told me he was leaving me in feb 2013. It took till end of March before he found somewhere else to live. He was adament it was over. He said he didn't love me anymore and we had nothing in common. I begged and pleaded but it just fell on deaf ears. I kept asking if there was someone else but he denied it. I work in a stressful environment and often brought my stresses home with me. I wasnt happy either but i thought it was normal for marriages to have ups and downs. he said he was lonely and missed his family in Australia and was planning on moving back there after he had gained some experience in his new nursing job. after he left i fell apart, could not eat or sleep and on brink of nervous breakdown. i sent him letter saying id changed and begging for another chance but he said for me to move on with my life as he was in an happier place. I tried to bluff him into coming back to me by saying i would move away but he said go ahead it sounds like a good thing for you. Well i took the job offer and im a couple of weeks away from leaving the uk for a new life abroad. I have never been so low in my life. I actually feel suicidal some days. I still love him so much and cannot believe how shattered my life is. My husband will be moving back into the marrital home when i go as he bought me out of my share. House is up for sale but could take a while. I mentioned to him about moving back to australia and he said he didnt know if he would as there were nice areas to live near his rental property. Im so sad and lonely and im frightened to move to a country were i won't know anyone but i cannot stay around here anymore as i would be devastated if i found out he had someone else. I dont have any parents to turn to for help and my siblings have there own lives to lead. We couldn't have children together and it breaks my heart to know that when i hand over the house keys in two weeks time the ties will be completely severed and i will never see him again

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Oct 11, 2013
Update to He left me after 22yrs. he just didn't love me anymore
by: Doreen UK

Angela I am so very happy to hear your update news which is so positive. Often moving far away into a new environment does help. The distance gives you a better chance of healing than being so close to the hurt.
Your new life will pick up. You have a very mature attitude to your environment and life in another country. Life will always have ups and downs but we learn from them and somehow get stronger with each trial. There is no good in holding on to a man that doesn't want to be with you. This should help others in the same situation as you were in. Your soon to be EX wasn't entirely honest with you about his intentions so I guess you are better off. As life goes on you will become a happier person. No use living in misery. You are to be CONGRATULATED, on taking the step to move away, discover a new life, and do something positive in moving forward with your life, when your heart was so broken. It was a very daunting move, cut off from everyone. But if you can do this, you can conquer Everest or anything in life. Nothing will be beyond your capabilities to SURVIVE. I applaud you for your bravery and consistence in actually doing it. Without taking a RISK you would never have known how much better life could be. Often we are afraid of taking a risk. But I say to anyone. Even if taking a Risk does not pay off in the way you hoped, you have not lost anything. You have gained very valuable experience. We took a risk to emigrate to Canada. We came back to the UK. I have no regrets but learnt a lot from the experience. I lost my husband 17 months ago to Cancer and glad he is buried in the UK. We needed to be here to fight a battle for compensation as he died from an Industrial disease. It has been hard but I have learnt a lot from life's trials and adversity. Angela I wish you all the best in life and every happiness. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. Best wishes.

Oct 10, 2013
Update to he left me after 22 years
by: Angela Atherton

I have now been out of the UK for two weeks and already I feel much better. The week prior to me moving away A letter arrived for my husband. I opened it and it was congratulation him on buying a newbuild home. So much for moving to Australia! He had in fact part exchanged our marrital home for a new house near his rental home.
I contacted him to be told that his plans still included Australia but if it didnt work out for him he had a place in the UK to come back to.

Anyway, I am now resigned to the fact that we will never reunite.It is easier being in a different environment and the tears are now few and far between. My life is totally different from The life I had with my husband 8 months ago.

My divorce should come through soon, and although I am definately not looking for another partner I am now not adverse to the idea.
I have some of my self respect back now and I am learning to stand on my own feet.
I will always love my soon to be ex husband but the pain is fading a little with each day that passes.

Sep 08, 2013
He left me after 22yrs. he just didn't love me anymore.
by: Doreen U.K.

Angela the sadness in life is that a good marriage can fail. Suddenly a wife can find herself in the same situation as you, and it is not her fault. Changes take place in people, work stresses, homelessness etc. cause marriage breakdown and often their is no way back. If your husband does not want to try to give your marriage a second chance it would hurt you to the core. I can understand your devastation and utter helplessness to change your situation. It is even worse when you love the man totally. It is not unreasonable for you to expect an honest truthful answer to the question. "Are you seeing someone else?" You are not stalking him by being suspicious. You have been driven to this. Many a woman has done this especially when her world is being torn apart. She is trying to save it. So don't doubt your actions. These are the actions of a desperate woman trying to save her marriage. This is such a major loss in your life. DON'T EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE!!!. even if your situation is hopeless to the point your husband doesn't want to save his marriage. These initial days will feel like the worst experience of your life, in much the same way I felt when my husband died. I took one day at a time. This is how I survive. I cry often for my loss of him. But I have no choice to accept what has happened and to go on with my life as lonely as it is. Nothing in life can ever take the place of what you have lost. Only TIME will allow you to Heal from this loss. Change your focus from what you have lost to what you are going to do to restructure your life. Keeping busy will help you cope from the loneliness. Try and find some Peace in the middle of your storm. When we are about to drown our natural instinct is to swim. These next days and weeks will be tough. But when you take one day at a time and handle only what you can for that day, your world will start to change. You will be able to see clearer what to do. When you look back you will find you have become stronger. We will keep having battles to fight in life. But they do make us stronger. I am going to give you my email address which is doreenelkington@aol.com. You can email me for further support so you feel less alone in these initial days when you leave for overseas and when you feel you need a friend who will be there for you when in a strange country and trying to find your way around. You can express yourself as often as you need to. I will listen and never judge you. You will get to a place in time when life will get better for you. Just hold on to HOPE. Best wishes.

Sep 07, 2013
Reply to Doreen
by: Angela Atherton

Hi Doreen thankyou for your sound advice. Its difficult to see my situation whilst im in the middle of it, as each day seems to get worse than the last.
My husband was kind and considerate and it shocked me more because of the person he is. He said there is no other woman and if there was he would not care if i knew about it.
I spoke to him face to face in June and he didn't apear to be hiding anything. He gold me he had been unwell, had collapsed at work with stress. We spoke about the house and how he was going to buy me out as i was moving away. A few weeks later he came around again and fixed some little jobs around the house. All very amicable between us. He had to have a week off work due to stress as our dog had died (i let him take dog when he left as he loved him so). I then saw him around 20th July, he came for some letters. His phone messaging bleeped and he seemed quite covert when he put his hand over his phone to view message. That was day he mentioned about maybe staying around area of his work and maybe not going back to Australia. I then suddenly became suspicious of him having someone else. I confronted him later via phone as i was sat in my car outside his rental house. i had drove up there to see if there was anyone with him. he denied it and said if he did he would tell me as he didn't care if i knew or not. he also forwarded me the text i was suspicious over which was his mobile phone bill notification. (Time he received it corresponded). After that i felt i was losing the plot and i felt that i had lowered myself to becoming a stalker and getting desperate. I cut most of my contact with him for my owm sanity. I had been very amicable with him all through upto that point. I even gave him some of an insurance payout i got so that he could pay his credit card bill. i was still hopefull he would eventually come back. In August he got a second mortgage on our home and paid me off. I have had minimal contact since. Just short emails s about house keys, furniture that im leaving etc .. I am still in shock somedays that its all over. My hope has now gone for good and i am just devastated and completely alone. Was i so bad that he couldn't even give our marriage a second chance.

Sep 07, 2013
He left me after 22 years, he just didn't love me anymore
by: Doreen U.K.

Angela continuing my first post due to lack of space.
It sounds as if your husband is from Australia? Just like he came to this country to start a new life, he adjusted. When you go overseas to start a new life you will be in the same position. You can always come back if you don't like it, and set up home a distance away in another county. Just watch the money you get from the sale of your home. Try and put it in another property if possible and let it increase for you. Even rent out the home and make some money so that you will have something concrete and secure. Just be cautious. We are living in a rip off world and I wouldn't like someone to come to you. Win your heart and rip you off. Guard your security.
You say you thought ups and downs were part of marriage. YES! they are. You are begging your husband to stay by saying you will change. Who says you have to do all the changing? My husband didn't believe in counselling because he didn't understand the dynamics of how it worked. But I took myself into counselling in my 40's after having 3 children. Best thing I did. I emerged a totally different person and found a HAPPINESS I didn't know was possible. Up to that time I was just existing in misery. I did something about this. I am a more integrated person. Confident and Secure in myself. I lost my dear husband of 44yrs. 16 months ago to cancer. Had I not done the counselling I would not be in the emotionally better place I am in today. My husband was my first and last love. My world began and ended with him. Marriage has many ups and downs and some can be resolved. Perhaps your husband didn't want to make the effort to save your marriage. OR. He has found someone else which is why he is questioning whether to go back to Australia. It would hurt you to find out he has someone else. Being far away in another country will give you enough space to make some recovery. Nothing worse when a man loves another woman. Maintain your dignity. You just may get a second chance at love in your life. But try some counselling first so that you can resolve any baggage that won't hurt a new relationship. We all have baggage in life. We don't always know if we met the right person in life and then when divorce takes place we feel our marriage was a lie. Don't think of it this way. Even good marriages fail. Especially if someone else suddenly appears on the scene. It is then
a man can then become discontent and suddenly find he has nothing in common with his wife anymore. Forgetting what attracted him to her in the first place. Make yourself strong so when you walk through that door in 2 weeks you won't look back. Keep looking forward and up. Best wishes.

Sep 06, 2013
He left me after 22years, he just didn't love me anymore
by: Doreen U.K.

Angela I am sorry for your loss of your marriage and how this has left you feeling. A failed marriage is one of the most painful moments of living life. Two people become one and this bond is broken at divorce or separation. It is normal to feel upset, and even suicidal. But don't act on this. Seek counselling as this does work and gets you in a place where you will start feeling better and more accepting of what you cannot change in your life. Begging someone to stay is so humiliating. Because your husband has made the decision to end the relationship there is nothing more you can do. You have somewhat accepted this by selling your share of the marital home and moving overseas. I know this is a very daunting experience. But you can view this as a new beginning and see this as an adventure filled with excitement as you plan your life how you want it to be. No one can take away your FREEDOM. Just think what this means. since my husband died 16 months ago. I Discovered my FREEDOM to cook, clean, go out, do anything I want when I want to. I never wanted FREEDOM. I never thought about it. But since I have it now I am using this in positive ways. Rather like having something taken away from you and discovering a gift left for you which is FREEDOM. It is such a healing part of grief. Almost a lovely discovery. See your future this way. Make it an adventure. Change your FOCUS and your world will change. Don't spend your time thinking of the man who didn't want to continue living with you. Spend your time on thinking of better things. As the song goes. "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair." make it a liberating experience. I know it hurts when a marriage breaks up. But what your husband did to you by wanting out doesn't define who you are. You define who you are by moving on with your life in a positive way. You will have learnt in the school of hard knocks how to take your future forward. Make a success of your life. Your life may just end up being better. You may find a man who really loves you and wants you for yourself. don't see those 22yrs. with your husband as wasted years, because they didn't continue into old age. See it as if you got on a boat and it took you on a round trip around the world You had a fantastic TIME/journey and then you got off. Now you are off to do something else. Once you make friends and establish a career your world will change for the better. Worst thing is staying in a relationship that isn't working because one person wants out. Walk out and don't look back. Find the inner strength to make your life work better. I know this is not what you wanted. It was forced upon you. You are in CONTROL. Use this to your advantage. Best wishes.

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