He only wanted to come back home.

by Allen L.
(Moncton, Canada)

last picture of a smile

last picture of a smile

At 92, dad was finally succumbing to cancer (LCC) which may not have finished him at all had it not been for the fact that he also had a heart arrhythmia, asthma, and many allergies, not to mention alzheimers onset.
But still he died to soon.
He was actually still golfing this June albeit he got lost on the golf course. So when he had to go for hospitalised treatments due to a high calcium blood level, we thought he would live another 5 years.
He stayed there 10 days, returned as a freshened old guy, but soon began dropping his tea, and then himself, as he wet himself on the way to the washroom, if he made it there at all without falling. Three weeks later the calcium was up again and he had to return.
So we talked about at-home hospice stuff. We arranged for a hospital bed, extra-mural nursing, and cleaning help to visit the home. We discussed this freely with him around thinking it would keep up his spirits up. It did.
But then he started to crash.

We had to move him into palliative care (rooms of no return no escape) and he thought the move was to get him home. He was heartbroken when we made him stay in the hospital in a new room. You would come into his room and he would outstretch hims arms to you, and you would think he wanted to hug you, but what he wanted was for you to pick him up and dress him to go HOME !

We (me at 60 and mom 1t 84) could not at this point take care of him... he sometimes even required physical removal of a stool, and he even got tired after sleeping...he would breath heavy with effort while sleeping 20 out of 24 hours a day.
They stopped the IV and he was asking why... No more treatments for the calcium, no more blood tests: just comfort and pain relief.

Well he died in 6 days and we all thought he would have made it past Xmas if not maybe Feb of 2012. nope

The doctor met us in the hall outside his room as the nurses were turning him over after a night of "death rattle" activity. The doc said he may have 12 to 24 hours and we could talk to him maybe he would hear. So we went back into the room thinking this, but he died right away, no 12 hours no time at all.., one little cough then two small exhalations, like an exhaust... then nothing.

All he ever said during the last 6 days is : home...take me home (as he thought we were going to do)

but we could not. I am heartbroken and feeling so guilty...

Too fast.
The picture was taken before his last ambulance ride to the hospital at the end of August 2011, he died October 6

Comments for He only wanted to come back home.

Click here to add your own comments

Jan 08, 2012
me too

I lost my husband to cancer on 1st November last year he had cancer 7 years ago, and survived he started being unwell after a fracture chronic back pain for months he had spine cancer and in lung liver and bowel (again_ all he had those months were pain killers and he went into hospital on 6th October he went down hill as soon as had palliative care he aged about 10 years in 2 weeks we had a bed at home waiting for him and I saw him the day before he died in Glasgow I feel guilty not being there when he died at 3 am I would give anything to hold him I used to say its ok we will look after you we always had hope as before even in so much pain we thought it was a trapped nerve as he was fine in his mind and had so much more living to do only through faith that God sent the angel to be with him can I cope and the blessed hope that I and our children and grandchildren will hold him again grief takes on many forms as I am finding out peace that he does not suffer guilt because I was not there but knowing that I and our 3 sons still at home cared for him for months before he begged for help for the pain, hospital is the last place we want them to be and if I knew he was never coming home and all the doctors and gps that did not listen left it too late he would never have left his home may God grant you me and all others that are in pain peace in our hearts and faith and trust God Bless

Nov 21, 2011
He Is Home Now
by: TrishJ

Dear Allen~
God bless you as you grieve for your father. It's hard to believe some days that he's actually gone isn't? I have to remind myself sometimes that my husband actually is no longer here.
What a handsome guy your dad was. I always say that if a man fails at fatherhood not much else that he accomplishes in his life really matters. Your dad was obviously a very loving husband and father. A true success.
You will miss him for the rest of your life. The pain does get better but never ever fully goes away.
Hugs to you. I hope you find some peace in the up and coming holiday season. Your dad would want you to be happy.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Dads.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!