HE promised me , he will be here for me, always/ 2 MONTHS

by malgosia
(michigan USA)

It is over two months since my Michal's dead. Sometimes feels like I did not see him for years, and then i am checking my phone just to make sure, I did not missed his call. Then the reality hits again - he is gone - and I like to be gone to. My wonderful husband is suffering so much knowing he can't help me, I am so sorry to see him that way, considering his struggle with lung cancer, and there is my mom,who is 74 with breast cancer, she live in Europe. I call her every day and I am trying to keep her spirit up while my heart has knife stuck through . I am coming to conclusion, that there is not life after loosing your only child. Being a mother it is privilege and responsibility and the most important job for a mother is to protect the child from harm. When the child dies, mother feels like she fail the child, and million friends and therapists can tell you it isn't your fall , I was not there to protect my child... I will never see him again, he will never hug me kiss me, he will never say " mom, I love you so much" I will never see his smile.
I don't know how to go on.

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Sep 04, 2012
he promised......update
by: Malgosia

Dear Doreen, thank you very much for writing ...
Yes, I do write my thoughts , I go to grief therapy ones a week, I do what I can .., nothing help, You see, with loosing my son I lost my future, there is not dreams or hopes left. I keep reading his journals and letters from his friends ( written to my son ) he was so loved, and in his short life, he did so much good for people. Why this is not making me feel any better? I just don't see any reason to live anymore. The sadness is so great, and the pain is so strong....

Sep 04, 2012
Grief
by: Terri Smith

Hi Malgosia, I agree with Doreen. Please find a grief conselor. I have to do the same thing. I lost my husband 8 months ago, to an accident, and it still feels like it was yesterday. I thought that time would have taken care of this by now, truly it hasn't, so don't be like me by putting it off, do it soon.

Terri

Sep 03, 2012
He promised me, he will be here for me, always/ 2 MONTHS.
by: Doreen U.K.

Malgosia. You are in a very difficult place right now with great grief. Please go and find a grief counsellor so that you can be supported in your PAIN. You are not to blame for not protecting your child. Your child was a grown man. It is hard for us mothers to let go. I am being forced to do this now. You wouldn't be helping your son if you chaperoned him everywhere. There would come a time he would feel smothered by your love and you would have lost seeing him. You kept a healthy balance. Only a grief counsellor can help support you a this moment in your grief as you are not coping. You also have a very ill husband and mother and this will be taking all your energy supporting them. A counsellor will also be able to help you here in the moment you are suffering with your husband being ill with lung cancer, and also you mum with breast cancer. Please also look after yourself. Try and write out your feelings in a book called a journal of all your thoughts and feelings going on inside you. It will release all your feelings now of grief and concern. You urgently need support. Don't try and handle everything all by yourself. It is too heavy a burden.

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