He promised me , he will be here for me, always

by malgosia
(oxford michigan USA)

When I found out about my husband cancer, I was devastated. I talk to my son, and he said "mom, I will always be here for you, he hugged me, and I felled so save.
My son Mike was fighting alcohol addiction for many years. His problems started in high school, new kid, bad acne, trying to fit ..... bullied, black eyes,..... quitting school. Finally finding his crowd . Unfortunately it is the wrong crowd.
Five years later,when he told me he was on drugs and he is heavy drinker for last five years, I felt like my heart is going to stop. How did I not know that, excuses-singel mom at that time, working long hours. He was right, I did not won't to see that. maybe I thought , that if I ignore it - it will go away.. Well, didn't . I give him ultimatum, rehab or do not call me again. It worked, he went to rehab. Six months later, I got my baby back. He was clean and happy and very proud of himself, being sober, got a good job and apartment. fixed his financial situation, got a car. We did have a wonderful christmas. Our relationship change. We talk every day , we were friends.
One year later, he meat girl and fell in love. He was so happy and I was happy for him till he said, he is drinking again. Months of hospital, morphine drip, feeling better going home, but there is no morphine at home. Well, but not to worry - doctors giving pain and anxiety pills like candies. REHAB.

This time is different. Mike is not child anymore. He went trough rehab, was very happy, first time start to believe in himself. He went to school, was doing very good, he was loved by people, start helping people to find their ways in life, helping homeless people... People start looking up to him. His plan was to help young people who having problems in schools with bullies, he cared for his friends and every morning at 6 am he would call me just today he loves me , and to wish me good day and ask how is his step father doing. 16 months every day. and one morning the telephone didn't ring. next day I drove five hours to see him. "Mom- he said, I start drinking, and he was so sad, he ask me to go to doctor with him. She give him valium saying that will help him stop drinking. I ask him to go to hospital, but he said he is going to meeting with his friends and he will be OK. I ask him if he won't me to stay with him one more day, he said if I won't to but he is going to be busy. Well, I did something what I will never forget or forgive myself - I drove away and went home. Next day I got the call- MY SON DIED IN HIS GIRLFRIEND PLACE. I don't remember funeral, it was like bad dream. I thing I am dead, just no one knows that, I left my son to die. I been asking, when the pain will go away, but I deserve the pain. I blame myself , I know I m right. But also I am mad with his friends - he was there for them when they need help, where were they.
I feel so bad for my husband,because I can not take care of him like I should. But I feel like I am useless now, I don't get up from bed, I won't to die. No, I will not kill myself, I don't want my mom feeling what I fell, I won't leave my husband, but I am just living day to day, and I know every day I am closer to be with my son.

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Dec 06, 2013
1 year and 5 months
by: Malgosia

HE PROMISED ME… It is 1 year and 5 months since I lost my Michal, on july 14 this year, one year and 14 days after the dead of my baby, my husband passed away. The pain after loosing Michal is growing, I don't know how is this happening, my husband dead did not register yet, I am still waiting for him to come home… we lost the fight with cancer. I am all alone, I don't feel sorry for myself, my heart hurts for my son, for him missing life, love, never knowing happy married life, never having children- God, how he loved children-. I am hurting more for him, then me. when I hear people complaining about children not visiting or calling enough , I am thinking, they don't know how lucky they are, I would give my life, for my son being alive and happy living somewhere, he could never call me or visit, but he would have happy live.
My husband, that is different story, I am missing him for me, I am mad he left me, we were going to get old together, he did not suppose to die. I was going to go before him and take care of my son, and wait for him. The only family I have left is my mom, who has stage 4 breast cancer, I am being mean towards her, I don't won't to, but I am so mad on myself, I can't safe no one who I love, I am 55 years old, and the rest of my life I will wait to die.

Sep 30, 2013
I know
by: Dianne

I know your pain, your anguish your total despair. My beautiful son died 5 December 2012. One day after I left him on his own. I had been with him for 10 days after his friend had left him and given notice on her half of property they rented. He was in such a terrible place and had started drinking very heavily. Had only intended to stay 2 / 3 days but my darling was so afraid. Decided that I had to be with him for as long as it took. So went home to sort out and collect more of my things. Told him I was only going to be a day or two. GOD FORGIVE ME he probably did,nt remember what I said and thought I had left him on his own. I as his mother will always live with the knowledge of that when my darling fragile baby needed me the most I failed him.

Aug 31, 2012
he promised......update
by: malgosia

Yesterday was 2 months since my son left me forever. It was very hard day, my husband took me to our doctor and I got a shot to calm me down. I look at my house, it was't clean for two months. I do not care about anything. The only thing I do, is reading cards from Mike "mom, you are my rock.." , "you are the best mom on the world..." , " I will always be here for you..." and the poetry what he loved so much:

You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
You better slow down
The music won't last.....

Aug 25, 2012
He promised......
by: malgosia

Thank you for the comments to my blog.It still feel like a bad dream, the pain is growing. I read about the steps of grieving, shouldn't you finish step one before you go to step two? Well, I am on all the steps on ones. I don't have will to live, and is not about me and my pain, it is about my son, and the live he is missing, and all the things he plan to do. He wrote "I want to get healthy, get marred , have children, help people, and one day when I die, I want to be remember by people for all the good I did" My heart will break...

Aug 23, 2012
Your loss
by: Debi M.

Malgosia -

I just read your heartfelt blog and just want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find comfort in the days ahead. Peace to you friend.

Debi M.

Aug 22, 2012
Your husband
by: malgosia

Dear Doreen, I just read your comment, you left for another grieving soul. I realize that You too are newly bereaved. I am so sorry, I know how painful it is to feel alone . I wish we would never have to go trough this, but we do . I am so thankful for finding this E-side ,so I can talk to people like yourself , I wish we wouldn't have to belong to this horrible "club", but we do, and is so helpful talking to someone who understand the pain. Please, do not feel that you are burden to your children, I am sure they just grieve different way then we do, and being young they think, that dead is something so distance , it feel not real for them. I think I am not helping, so I will stop now. I just like you to know I will keep you in my prayers .

Aug 22, 2012
He promised......
by: Malgosia

Dear Doreen, I am so sorry about your husband dead, and I thank you from my heart to taking time to write beautyful letter.
I don't have hear any other family to support me, and the few friends I have- they stop calling or visiting - my husband says, that people do not know what to say, so they stay away. So like you see, your letter is very important to me.

Today is my birthday, I got cards from my friends - they all say, have happy birthday. How happy can this day be for me, is only seven weeks since my only child died.
Doreen, thank you again.

Aug 21, 2012
He promised me, he will be here for me, always
by: Doreen U.K.

Malgosia I am so deeply sorry for your loss of your precious Son, and also for the loss of your husband's health to cancer. You are in a hard place right now. You are suffering GRIEF. This pain is so very bad that you wonder some days how you will survive the pain. Malgosia your son told you that you could stay with him but he would be busy. So you went home. This is what Mama's do. They give their son's space. otherwise your son would feel smothered. You need to FREE YOURSELF OF YOUR GUILT. You did not cause your son's death. You also did not know your son would die. You drove 5 hours to be with him. THIS IS PURE LOVE OF A MOTHER. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF for being strict when you needed to be so that your son would turn his life around and come off drugs and go to REHAB. AND HE DID TURN HIS LIFE AROUND. He made a difference in the lives of others by helping them and helping the homeless. I APPLAUD YOU for what you have done for your son as a Loving Mother. You told him if he didn't come off drugs and alcohol you would walk away. Your son respected you. You are not to Blame. You also don't deserve the pain you are in. Don't punish yourself anymore. Be gentle with yourself. I feel your sorrow and pain from your posting. You are a very LOVING MOTHER. My husband died of cancer. I nursed him over 3yrs. Only God gave me the strength to do this. God will give you the strength also to care for your husband as much as you can do. Ask God for this help. Then ask Social Services for support to care for your husband. Part of grief you will feel as if this is a dream. You will wake up and wonder if your son really died. We all go through this Pain and Grief after losing a loved one. Malgosia there are no easy answers for what pain you are in. It will be over when you feel it less and less. You have to feel it so that healing can take place in you. I hope that family and friends are surrounding you with Love and Care to help you through this loss.

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