He promised me , he will be here for me, always
(oxford michigan USA)
When I found out about my husband cancer, I was devastated. I talk to my son, and he said "mom, I will always be here for you, he hugged me, and I felled so save.
My son Mike was fighting alcohol addiction for many years. His problems started in high school, new kid, bad acne, trying to fit ..... bullied, black eyes,..... quitting school. Finally finding his crowd . Unfortunately it is the wrong crowd.
Five years later,when he told me he was on drugs and he is heavy drinker for last five years, I felt like my heart is going to stop. How did I not know that, excuses-singel mom at that time, working long hours. He was right, I did not won't to see that. maybe I thought , that if I ignore it - it will go away.. Well, didn't . I give him ultimatum, rehab or do not call me again. It worked, he went to rehab. Six months later, I got my baby back. He was clean and happy and very proud of himself, being sober, got a good job and apartment. fixed his financial situation, got a car. We did have a wonderful christmas. Our relationship change. We talk every day , we were friends.
One year later, he meat girl and fell in love. He was so happy and I was happy for him till he said, he is drinking again. Months of hospital, morphine drip, feeling better going home, but there is no morphine at home. Well, but not to worry - doctors giving pain and anxiety pills like candies. REHAB.
This time is different. Mike is not child anymore. He went trough rehab, was very happy, first time start to believe in himself. He went to school, was doing very good, he was loved by people, start helping people to find their ways in life, helping homeless people... People start looking up to him. His plan was to help young people who having problems in schools with bullies, he cared for his friends and every morning at 6 am he would call me just today he loves me , and to wish me good day and ask how is his step father doing. 16 months every day. and one morning the telephone didn't ring. next day I drove five hours to see him. "Mom- he said, I start drinking, and he was so sad, he ask me to go to doctor with him. She give him valium saying that will help him stop drinking. I ask him to go to hospital, but he said he is going to meeting with his friends and he will be OK. I ask him if he won't me to stay with him one more day, he said if I won't to but he is going to be busy. Well, I did something what I will never forget or forgive myself - I drove away and went home. Next day I got the call- MY SON DIED IN HIS GIRLFRIEND PLACE. I don't remember funeral, it was like bad dream. I thing I am dead, just no one knows that, I left my son to die. I been asking, when the pain will go away, but I deserve the pain. I blame myself , I know I m right. But also I am mad with his friends - he was there for them when they need help, where were they.
I feel so bad for my husband,because I can not take care of him like I should. But I feel like I am useless now, I don't get up from bed, I won't to die. No, I will not kill myself, I don't want my mom feeling what I fell, I won't leave my husband, but I am just living day to day, and I know every day I am closer to be with my son.