he was depressed towards the end...

by lisa leonor flores
(uvalde, Tx.)

my dad was declared dead 7/19/10. it was suicide. hung in between mine and my mom and his room. i walked in to see him there but it was dark so i thought my eyes were playing tricks on me since i wear glasses, my mom and brothers saw him when she turned on the light. her scream changed my life.

i can understand the state of mind he was in since im siucidal myself and have attempted 3 times. im being very blunt about this because i don't know how to say it. it's been about 5 months since he passed, ive been in denial all this time. ive had several nightmares.

i blame myself, and i will forever regret my last words to him, "i wish you would just die already and leave me alone" im 16 turning 17 on the 14th. a rebellious teen. i was angry and didn't know how my words would affect him. me and family left him and the house around 11 at night and didn't come home till 12:50. we don't live at my old house anymore.

those first weeks were hard. ive never been one to handle grief well so i locked it up and ignored it. recently my mom told me she went back to the house the morning after and planned on hanging herself in the same spot my dad did. that mom i felt my heart break knowing how close i had been to losing my mom also.

i would love to say my grieving is going along fine but how can it when i lost my dad. me and my dad never got along, and it kills me inside when i try to think of all the good times we had and only found alot of bad ones.

i thank my boyfriend/fiance for forcing me to deal wit it when i shut everyone out and was on a fast track to my dads same path. i hope to continue trying to get better but after seeing that i'll never go back to the same naive girl from before.

thank you if you read all this and i hope y'all learn from my mistake and love your dad for all his faults and try to have as many happy memories as possibly. you never know when you might lose them. bye.

Comments for he was depressed towards the end...

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Dec 08, 2010
Suicide Surviver
by: Anonymous

Dear Lisa,
I to lost my 36yr. old son in the same manner. He died Sept. 20th, 2010. I sent the Police to do a well check when I didn't hear from him in 2 days so it was the police that entered his home and found him, however that doesn't make it any easier. I would like to say it gets better but it has only gotten harder for me & my family.

Although I understand the mental pain he was in I still want him here with me. I believe in time we will learn to live with this but I don't believe anyone fully recovers from it. My son is on my mind & in my broken heart every minute of the day. I pray for strength to get me through each day & I will pray God will give us peace one day.

Dec 07, 2010
not your fault
by: Anonymous

Please don't blame yourself for this. It wasn't your fault. Your dad was an adult and made his own decisions. What he did was not your fault. He had his own pain and just didn't know how to deal with it.

Dec 07, 2010
by: Melissa

I lost my best friend to suicide. I've fought that battle myself. Recently, I lost my father but not to suicide. I hope you can find peace and healing. The thing that's helped me is walking in the "Out of the Darkness' walks to raise awareness of suicide and help prevent it. Check out http://www.afsp.org/ to find a walk near your home. It might help you feel a little better to see others who have been affected by it. I know it helped me.

It still hurts but its nice to know that other people understand because a suicide death brings a whole new set/type of grieving versus someone who dies of cancer. Not to say that its harder, just that there is always feelings of thinking we could have done more...even though we couldn't.

Please take care of yourself ...there will be better times ahead I promise. If I would have been successful with my own attempts I would never have gotten to hold my baby girl.

Dec 07, 2010
God bless you
by: jg

I hope you continued success in coping with this awful tragedy.

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