He was in a lot of pain, but now he is at peace.

by Deena

I just lost my father today - he was 56, and I am 24. He was quite ill with diabetes, heavy smoking and kidney problems. He was diagnosed with pneumonia a while ago, and passed away today from complications. I am overseas, a thousand miles away, and the only thing I can feel is overwhelming, indescribable guilt for not being there when it happened. I had prayed for a miracle, I had hoped he would overcome it - I knew there were times where he was unwilling to live because he was in pain all of the time, yet I said nothing to him. In fact, the last time I spoke to him was a month ago, and the last thing he said to me was that he would let nothing or no one ever hurt me, his little girl. We were always a little distant because of a rough childhood, and sometimes I was afraid of him, but deep down inside I loved him for the sacrifices he did make for me.

I'm honestly not sure what/how to feel, as it has barely been 24 hours since I found out. My mom told me he was in so much pain when he was rushed to the hospital, and days before his passing he was unable to speak, unable to open his eyes... Barely recognized anybody. My mom had already said her goodbye the night before his passing. She already knew. I am overwhelmed by sadness and guilt - why did he have to suffer??? I wished more than ANYTHING that I could have at least shared that pain, let someone transfer that pain to me so he wouldn't have to suffer.

I did not even have a chance to say goodbye, or look at him one last time (the last time I visited my parents was in 2011). When I try to imagine what state he was in, the pain, the loneliness, what was going through his mind... I have no idea if I will ever learn to live with this for the rest of my life. I have no idea who to talk to, and don't think I will ever be able to. I am an only child. I have no way of flying over for his funeral, and not only does that add to my grief, but it makes me question if I am or ever was a good daughter? I had been angry with him a lot of the time. This is only the very beginning for me, and I am terrified of never learning how to cope with this loss.

Thank you all for letting me share my grief.

Comments for He was in a lot of pain, but now he is at peace.

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May 28, 2014
A lot like you
by: Anonymous

Like you I lived away from my father.

Like you the last time I saw him was 2011.

I have lived away from my home, via my own choice for 22 years now. It is my choice and my dad (who passed last month) agreed with my choice and was happy about my choice, even though it would mean putting such a distance between us.

As parents they realise that they have to let us go. They understand that we will not always be around, much like we understand that they will not always be around.

Like you, I feel such terrible grief. The idea of not being able to talk to him, see him, hug him swells like a tide of tears in me. This feeling comes and goes depending on my mood. I am able to function. I have to function as I have a family of my own.

Now all I do is try to make sure that day by day I try to come to terms with not having him around, whilst appreciating all the time I had with him.

There is nothing else I can say that will make your pain go away. Your dad no doubt would be proud of you, and would expect you to get on with life. You are a lot like me.

May 16, 2014
He was in a lot of pain, but now he is at peace.
by: Doreen UK

Deena The first few days and weeks of grief assault our body so much that we automatically think the worst without even having to try. Everything you described of the way you feel is so common in the first few days of loss.
It is such an UNBEARABLE PAIN that you can't shake off or even take medications for. I felt as if I was going to have a convulsion of grief. It HURT SO MUCH.
The only way forward is ONE DAY AT A TIME. Even one MOMENT AT A TIME. Don't think too hard about what type of daughter you were. Your father loved you and wanted to protect you. As a parent myself I can say there is nothing a child/adult child can do that can stop a parent loving their child so much.
In time you will accept certain aspects of your loss of your father. Grief is long and hard. It almost feels as if our memory unwinds automatically. Most of us have unresolved conflicts that we were unable to talk to our loved one's about. It is of no consequence now because your father cannot be hurt by PAIN, or LIFE. He is at peace. It is worse for all the loved one's left to mourn their passing.
I nursed my husband for 3yrs. with a deadly cancer and he died 2yrs. ago. It is a very painful grief. He really suffered so much pain. I prayed to God for a miracle also, that was not to be. You may feel angry and not able to understand the confusion of grief. If you find yourself struggling try and see a grief counsellor who is trained to support one through the difficulties of grief. This will be one of the worst experiences of your young life. It almost seems so UNFAIR. People are dying all the time all around us and we are touched deeply on this site by the pain and loss of each person. I am blown away by the scale of loss and pain everyone is going through and I plead with God for Comfort and strength for everyone.

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