He was in a lot of pain, but now he is at peace.
I just lost my father today - he was 56, and I am 24. He was quite ill with diabetes, heavy smoking and kidney problems. He was diagnosed with pneumonia a while ago, and passed away today from complications. I am overseas, a thousand miles away, and the only thing I can feel is overwhelming, indescribable guilt for not being there when it happened. I had prayed for a miracle, I had hoped he would overcome it - I knew there were times where he was unwilling to live because he was in pain all of the time, yet I said nothing to him. In fact, the last time I spoke to him was a month ago, and the last thing he said to me was that he would let nothing or no one ever hurt me, his little girl. We were always a little distant because of a rough childhood, and sometimes I was afraid of him, but deep down inside I loved him for the sacrifices he did make for me.
I'm honestly not sure what/how to feel, as it has barely been 24 hours since I found out. My mom told me he was in so much pain when he was rushed to the hospital, and days before his passing he was unable to speak, unable to open his eyes... Barely recognized anybody. My mom had already said her goodbye the night before his passing. She already knew. I am overwhelmed by sadness and guilt - why did he have to suffer??? I wished more than ANYTHING that I could have at least shared that pain, let someone transfer that pain to me so he wouldn't have to suffer.
I did not even have a chance to say goodbye, or look at him one last time (the last time I visited my parents was in 2011). When I try to imagine what state he was in, the pain, the loneliness, what was going through his mind... I have no idea if I will ever learn to live with this for the rest of my life. I have no idea who to talk to, and don't think I will ever be able to. I am an only child. I have no way of flying over for his funeral, and not only does that add to my grief, but it makes me question if I am or ever was a good daughter? I had been angry with him a lot of the time. This is only the very beginning for me, and I am terrified of never learning how to cope with this loss.
Thank you all for letting me share my grief.