He was like a brother to me, and my only friend at university....

by Amelia
(Australia)

I am a full time university student living in Australia, and I have recently lost a very close university friend of mine. He was like a brother to me, and my only real university friend. I thought he saw me as a sister, as we seemed very close and I trusted him very deeply, and felt I could tell him anything and it seemed he felt the same about me. Cut a very long story short, I developed a crush on him and, on the advice of my partner (who was fully aware of the crush and who I have been seeing for just under 12 months now) I told my friend for two reasons: a) To be honest and upfront with him about how I was feeling in case it was coming through in any of my behaviour toward him unintentionally, and b) I was hoping telling him would kill the feeling I had once and for all.

Anyway, my friend said to me after I told him how I felt (and also made sure he knew my partner was aware of what was going on) that our friendship wouldn't be ruined by it, but that he felt awkward. Then, for the next week or so, he became distant toward me which I attributed partly to the crush to begin with, but when it went on for 3-4 weeks I began to think maybe it was to do with something else going on in his life and not just necessarily what I had told him. Again, cut a long story short, it turns out he was being distant in order to try and give me a "sign" that he needed space, rather than tell me directly that that was what he needed. After some heated discussion, with him telling me that he is only distant when he is trying to get a hint across and for no other reason - he SMSed me and told me the friendship was over, as it would be too awkward for him.

I can't describe the pain I feel right now. Some days it's easier, and I feel like maybe, just maybe, my life is getting back to normal. Other days, like today, my heart feels like someone has stabbed it with a blade and sliced into it, leaving multitudes of scars that ache like anything while they heal. I can't describe it any other way.

What hurts more than anything else is the fact that he was willing to let go of the friendship so easily. Did I mean anything to him? Or was he simply another 'friend' at university posing as such in order to get access to my generosity and intelligence? The pain I feel from thinking that I meant nothing to him is a pain that I feel is just inconsolable. He just meant so, so much to me.

Sometimes I can’t help but ask myself “Am I crazy?” because I’ve never felt such intense grief like this for anyone, or as much as I can remember anyway. I can’t think, and trying to motivate myself to study is almost impossible at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if I’m grieving too much, if this is too small a loss for the amount of grief I’m feeling.

There’s so many things about him ending out friendship that I can’t get my head around – like why he felt he couldn’t just come and tell me he needed space, why he had to send me ‘signs’ that, to me, could have meant anything. Why he was able to let go of me so easily. I just can’t get my head around it.

I just wish I knew how to cope with these feelings, not to make them go away – I know I have to feel them – but to at least dull them down so I can do things, like study. This websites been really good for that, thank you. I just hope I can get through this and come out on the other side knowing that I went through this loss for a reason.

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