He was the air I breathe

by Patricia
(Reisterstown MD)

This is the second time I'm trying this. First time I started to tell my story but it was such a long story of what happened that night I wasn't sure anyone would take the time to read the whole thing. So to make this shorter I will say.....My beloved husband of 40 yrs. was my whole life in every way. We were never apart, always together 24/7 and that was not enough time. Friends would say we were joined together by the hips, never seen one without the other. Our love was a very special kind of love, we were not only husband and wife. We were best friends, soul mates and we were meant to be. But the tragedy that took place that day and night, took a very long time to unfold. He passed away on Nov. 3, 2011 on the floor in our house with me down on the floor by his side at 2:10 am. I seen his eyes and they were so empty and glassy, and I knew he was gone. I seen him take his last breath and felt so helpness unable to help him. They did not pronouce him til 3:50 am that morning, they kept trying to bring him back to me. Because I was crying and begging so hard for them not to give up. He had chronic COPD and stage 4 lung cancer. But in the end what really took him was because the last two yrs. of his life he stopped walking, only when it was necessary. And he was taking by a pulmonary embolism. I spent the next 5 hours with him at the hospital til they forced me away. Telling me time was up, they needed to take of him. So 9:00 in the morning I headed home. That day we made his arrangments, his services were on Nov. 10 2011. Did not relize until later, that was his b'day he would have been 62. I did not put him in the grounds, I wanted him back home with me where he belongs, and that's what I did.

But that night changed my life forever. I pray to God every night to please come take me to him to be by his side where I belong.

It's now Nov. 17 2013 an I feel just as lost and alone as I did on that day. I have to fight and push myself just to make it to the next day. I have no energy or will to do anything. I have isolated myself from the outside world. I keep the front of my house closed up just to keep the world from coming in. I feel I will never have that happiness back again nor do I know how to find it and not sure I want to. Because without him I have no life. I do have daughters and grandkids but still I find myself wanting to be alone. Trying to put on a happy face for others just makes me feel worst. I have an online diary that I wite to him every Sunday and cry for him just as hard as the day he left. And I don't know how to get better.

To this day I blame myself for what happened to him. I did not see the warning signs of his body shutting down. Nor did I put 2 and 2 together about his lack of walking. I knew about embolisms but nevr cross my mind it was happening to him. I did not recognize the signs of his body shutting down. The not going to the bathroom, not drinking or eating and the last sign, he could not swallow his food. He fell to the floor that night in a way I could not move him to even try CPR. And for some time before his passing, he kept telling me he didn't want to die. And I responed, I didn't want him to die either. My life couldn't go on without him. And to this day I blame myself so much for not seeing the signs and for for letting him die. I let him down. Although the doctors and everyone keeps telling me it was nothing I could do to save him. His death was sudden. No one could have saved him. But I still carry the blame and don't no how to let go it. I love him so much and need him twice as bad.

Comments for [He was the air I breathe]

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Feb 22, 2013
My heart aches,
by: Patricia

So very sorry to hear all the stories of losing our love ones, our best friend. I don't know what life has plan for me, just I know happiness seems to be so far away. Wonder if there will ever be a reason to smile again. That night changed my life forever. When he passed so pass my life. Even today I keep asking myself, what did I do wrong, why couldn't I save him. So many what ifs and no answers. I too begged the mts and drs. to keep trying, not to give up on him. He wanted to live and I needed him so bad to stay by my side. I can not live without him. So here I am a year and half later, still no improvement. I am still pushing to get to the next day, begging God every night to take me to him. My family don't understand the pain I am still going through. They believe I had enough time and should be better by now. So that leaves me alone to still deal with the pain by myself. I don't think I can.

Feb 21, 2013
My story!
by: Anonymous

My husband passed away on 09/19/2012. He was my next breath, heart beat, soul mate and friend. We too were never apart. We had hospice in and even tho I worked in the in home care years back I to failed if not blocked out the signs of pending death. He slipped away in my arms as I fought to save him and I still fight with the why or should haves. Did I not do something did I do something wrong. He had his defilber shut off so his heart would stop and death would not be prolonged. I was able to hold him through the night and the next morning my soul was so torn as they took him away. Grief is not for the faint of heart. This is a very hard road we must walk. We both proved we are strong as we walked this road with our soul mates. Take your steps as you need to and be forgiving of your self. He would not have fought so hard if it was not for the love you shared. I know where your heart and mine are I am still fighting my way through all the if's. Please give your self time and be kind to your self. With blessings. Cindy

Feb 18, 2013
[He was the air I breathe]
by: Linda

I understand what you're going through.I do feel your pain. Three wks ago today,I found my husband glassy eyed and struggling to breathe, called 911 and started CPR, I tried so damn hard to save him, so did the EMT's they shocked him 5 times. I prayed, cried, bargined, pleaded, but it wasn't enough. Now he's gone,I'm alone and the world goes on.
I have been just going through the motions of living, because that's what people expect. I don't know how to act anymore. We were more than just husband & wife, we were best friends, co-workers, pals, budddies, he was my first, my one and only. I've known him since I was 15, over 47 yrs. It's just hard to imagine my life without him in it.
I don't know things just don't make sense anymore...
I wish I hard some advice for you, all I can say is I'm so sorry, my thoughts & prayers are with you, please take care of yourself.

Feb 18, 2013
Thank you
by: Patricia

Thank you for your wonderful words, I know I need help but don't know how to ask. Nor do I have the money to pay a counsellor. So I feel I am left to try and deal with this on my own. Some what like your husband, he too did not get the chance to enjoy his retirement. He had to quit working for the COPD really made it hard for him to breathe. I just feel so bad for him, he was such a good man and loving father and he deserved more. Your words of kindness has help me in some ways and I just want to thank you. I am also so sorry for your lost. Before I never understood what someone goes through from a lost of a spouse but now I do. And my heart goes out to each and everyone. Once again thanks so very much.

Feb 18, 2013
{ He was the air I breathe}
by: Doreen U.K.

Patricia I am sorry for your loss of your precious husband to a sudden death. You really should try a grief counsellor for support. You won't regret this. You are struggling with your grief. Seeing a counsellor does not mean that you will forget your husband. You will be amazed at how quickly you start to feel better and this is what is important. You will feel your loss forever as I do but with less pain that interferes with your energy levels and the need to go on in life.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago. I can't believe how this loss is affecting me. I HATE IT. Steve had lung cancer caused by working with asbestos and Steve's cancer was incurable, and inoperable. Steve had the Chemo and Radiotherapy and a very hard 3yr. battle with a poor quality of life. I was his caregiver for over 3yrs. I had to watch a former body builder in his youth deteriorate to an emaciated man with a sadness that said "I don't want to die". "Does it hurt?" "I wonder what it feels like to die?"
You are not responsible for your husband dying. A pulmonary embolism is a silent killer quickly. Your feelings of guilt is part of your grief. My husband lost the power in his legs and couldn't walk and the doctors left him to almost die in 2005 from encephalitis. Even the medical profession got it wrong. I had to mount a battle against them for better care for my husband. The doctor admitted responsibility and I dropped the case. It can work for us or against us. My husband then went onto get a deadly cancer that killed him. You had such a 24/7 bond with your husband for 40yrs. it will take you a whole lot longer to get over your loss. My husband worked often 7 days a week. Long hours for over 47yrs. even overseas and I saw very little of him. He was in retirement when he died but didn't get that quality time he worked hard for and deserved. I feel cheated of this. Steve felt cheated also. Life isn't fair. I felt just like you. Low energy levels. Not wanting to do anything. Wanting to isolate myself from the world. I DID IT ALL. I am not in a rush to move beyond what I am able to. I hope you get the support you need and the strength to go on each day through your grief and sorrow.

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