He was the air I breathe
This is the second time I'm trying this. First time I started to tell my story but it was such a long story of what happened that night I wasn't sure anyone would take the time to read the whole thing. So to make this shorter I will say.....My beloved husband of 40 yrs. was my whole life in every way. We were never apart, always together 24/7 and that was not enough time. Friends would say we were joined together by the hips, never seen one without the other. Our love was a very special kind of love, we were not only husband and wife. We were best friends, soul mates and we were meant to be. But the tragedy that took place that day and night, took a very long time to unfold. He passed away on Nov. 3, 2011 on the floor in our house with me down on the floor by his side at 2:10 am. I seen his eyes and they were so empty and glassy, and I knew he was gone. I seen him take his last breath and felt so helpness unable to help him. They did not pronouce him til 3:50 am that morning, they kept trying to bring him back to me. Because I was crying and begging so hard for them not to give up. He had chronic COPD and stage 4 lung cancer. But in the end what really took him was because the last two yrs. of his life he stopped walking, only when it was necessary. And he was taking by a pulmonary embolism. I spent the next 5 hours with him at the hospital til they forced me away. Telling me time was up, they needed to take of him. So 9:00 in the morning I headed home. That day we made his arrangments, his services were on Nov. 10 2011. Did not relize until later, that was his b'day he would have been 62. I did not put him in the grounds, I wanted him back home with me where he belongs, and that's what I did.
But that night changed my life forever. I pray to God every night to please come take me to him to be by his side where I belong.
It's now Nov. 17 2013 an I feel just as lost and alone as I did on that day. I have to fight and push myself just to make it to the next day. I have no energy or will to do anything. I have isolated myself from the outside world. I keep the front of my house closed up just to keep the world from coming in. I feel I will never have that happiness back again nor do I know how to find it and not sure I want to. Because without him I have no life. I do have daughters and grandkids but still I find myself wanting to be alone. Trying to put on a happy face for others just makes me feel worst. I have an online diary that I wite to him every Sunday and cry for him just as hard as the day he left. And I don't know how to get better.
To this day I blame myself for what happened to him. I did not see the warning signs of his body shutting down. Nor did I put 2 and 2 together about his lack of walking. I knew about embolisms but nevr cross my mind it was happening to him. I did not recognize the signs of his body shutting down. The not going to the bathroom, not drinking or eating and the last sign, he could not swallow his food. He fell to the floor that night in a way I could not move him to even try CPR. And for some time before his passing, he kept telling me he didn't want to die. And I responed, I didn't want him to die either. My life couldn't go on without him. And to this day I blame myself so much for not seeing the signs and for for letting him die. I let him down. Although the doctors and everyone keeps telling me it was nothing I could do to save him. His death was sudden. No one could have saved him. But I still carry the blame and don't no how to let go it. I love him so much and need him twice as bad.