HEARTBROKEN

by yvonne beattie
(scotland)

I lost my grandfather 5 weeks ago,it was a very unexpected loss something that i thought would never happen, i feel as though my life without him is very difficult not only was he my grandparent but also like a father to me, my gran and him brought me up from the age of 3 i am 40 now, so it feels like a double blow to me. He was 86 years old and i knew he would not live forever, but i never contemplated life without him i miss him so much. He went into hospital because he had a gallbladder infection never in a million years did i think he would not get out again, i thought that he would get better and life would begin again, but he got blood poisoning and he went downhill very rapidly. Me and my son matthew stayed all night with him never leaving his side, giving him sips of water and sponging him down when he got all clammy speaking to him about all the good times we shared with him, it was in the back of my mind that somehow he pull through from this, i now know that i was in denial, not wanting to think of him dying it was too much to bear keeping myself busy looking after him. I had to tell my gran that granda wasnt going to get better she also was in denial bless her, it was the most painful thing that i had ever had to do that was when i too had to accept this. I felt like running away from the situation maybe if i do that then it might not happen, i feel like i am living a nightmare, hoping i would wake up and it was all a bad dream, i had to face reality and be strong for my gran she was the one that needed me now. My husband took me home for a couple of hours rest i had not slept for 4 nights hadn't eaten a thing, i didn't want to go but my gran said that she would phone me if anything happened so i left my granda with my son and gran as soon as my head hit the pillow, i fell fast asleep. The phone rang about 2 in the morning i started to sob before my husband answered the phone i just knew he was gone big racking sobs came out of me it was the worst feeling in the world.