My burden is heavy. I've had 5 losses in the last 18 months. All 5 are so very different. First, in Feb 2009 I lost my friend, Tracey. She was 37 years old. She has an 8 year old son. She died of liver failure from being an alcoholic. I was shocked. Shocked she was so sick and that she kept it from everybody. I was thankful I had the opportunity to say goodbye and I believe I was able to grieve her loss and come to terms with everything.
10 months later, on Dec 16, 2009 my Meme died. Meme was my grandmother, but more importantly, the woman who raised me. She was a mother to me. She made me chocolate milk every morning and she walked me to school. I was blessed with 32 years of unconditional love and I miss her so much. She was 90 years old. She fell and broke her hip in Nov and as usually is the case, she died of complications after hip surgery. My poor Meme. I wish she didn't have to suffer the way she did.
We no sooner get home from Meme's funeral and my husband had to leave, 8 hours away, to be with his dad who was dying of lung cancer. I honestly feel like I have suppressed my grieving for Meme since I had to jump right into the support role for my husband as he lost his father. My father in law died Jan 18, 2010.
My husband and I both went and saw a grief counselor and thought we were coping with our grieving. Then Aug came. On Aug 6, 2010 my aunt died of breast cancer. My Aunt is my mother's only sister. My mom and my cousins were devastated and thus the funeral arrangements again fell on my lap. I was so happy to help but it was becoming all too familiar.
I came home from the funeral on Monday. Weds I took my dear friend Kathleen to chemo. On Thursday morning, I get the news that my best friend's 4 year old died in a tragic accident. This is what I can't handle. This is what I can't deal with and understand. How, why? Why take a 4 year old and why so tragically. Jaime was 3 weeks older than my son. I can't look at my son without feeling some sort of guilt. Why am I so blessed? Why do I get to keep my son one more day? and why doesn't Kim get to have her baby boy?
So I struggle. And I pray. pray that this feeling of the other shoe dropping will one day go away. And I pray for peace. Peace in my heart. Because right now it hurts.