Hello World ~ I'm Here too....

by p
(Las Vegas)

A Missing Smile from My Life

A Missing Smile from My Life

Life without Billy is like walking around with no legs. You want to move but your falling.
I sat at work and thought to myself all the little things Billy did and didn't know. I took care of him physically with the Diabetes, helping him when he got out of the shower, to dress and fighting for that parking spot closer so he would have to walk as far. I've come to understand now the emotional connection/bonding of our souls, of my needs, wants and emotional needs he gave me. I'm lost and feel like I'm wondering with eyes wide closed and no light to guide me home.
I cry, so much, my heart destroyed broken to pieces like a puzzle only he can put back together. Life as we knew it stopped ~ June 21st, 2010 the day after Father's day. Its been a year and I've come to understand why we the survivors follow our loved ones after.
Life is not a life with them gone. I walk through the day like a ghost haunting a life gone. I know I will see him someday but, you know I would like that day to be sooner than later. Its word we don't say because then were classified as "Suicidal, unstable and dysfunctional"
There is nothing dysfunctional about missing our loved ones, our soul mates, our best friends, we've been pulling to the ends of the universe and scattered be on anybody's imagine . I'm sure I speak the words of a lot who cannot say out loud what we feel. Our souls have been ripped apart and they don't understand. My Billy, always took care of me. Call it old fashion but I would always tell him I was born in the wrong period. All I wanted was to marry, have kids and the house with the picket fence. So many times we compared where we were at different times in our lives and found were were closer than we realized.
We met later in our lives. It would have been nice to have "OUR" kids but it wasn't to be. So we worked with your's and mine. Funny, he was more of a father to my son than his own. But, Billy always reminded him you have a father, he will always be your father no matter what.
I sit at my computer, look around and feel the devastation of loneliness. At moments I feel I can't go on. I cannot not comprehend this, I keep asking why? More tears and then I cry myself to sleep once more. I know I've said this time and time again but 'HELLO' 'WHY'???
Forgive my ranting and ravings once more but this is the only place I can come to pour my heart and soul out.
I cry for the future and the past.
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year

Comments for Hello World ~ I'm Here too....

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Jun 26, 2011
hello world-I'm here too
by: jules

Patricia - what a lovely photo of Billy - I am so sorry that you feel so sad - I know how devastating it is to be without your love - It is now 19 months since I lost my love, John.
I miss him every day - but I try and live my life the way I hope he would want me to - going out, playing lawn bowls, meeting people, playing squash, and yes - having fun. I know that this is the person that John loved all those years, so I work hard at being that person.

I have days when I don't know how I will go on, sometimes something will happen, a disagreement with someone, and it brings me right down, so those days, I remember John, knowing that he would be supporting me, and still is from afar.

Please take care - and every day remember, one step, one breath.
jules

Jun 25, 2011
You Said It All
by: Anonymous

Pat, I'm almost 7 months into this horrible existence of life without my love. You said absolutely everything that I am feeling. I so want to leave this place & join him. What is the point??? Why are we here when they were taken??? I am so angry at God or whatever that took him from me. Life has no meaning without him here to share it with me. There is no joy without him.

Jun 25, 2011
I'm Still Here Too.....
by: TrishJ

Patricia~
How I feel your pain. Life to me just isn't worth living right now. It's too hard. Every day I have to force myself to go through the motions. Nothing comes naturally to me anymore. Even when Joe was so sick.....I just took it for granted he would always be there. We went through a lot of pain and suffering but we did it together.
Now....it's just me. It's just you. No more we. I don't want another we. Friends keep telling me, "You are still young....you have a lot to offer another man." I don't want another man. I know I'll feel the same in a year from now. I had the best. I won't settle just for companionship.
I've had some family drama over the last two weeks. It's 10 times harder for me to deal with because he isn't here to comfort me.
I have a good day here and there but I can't believe I'm not suffering from dehydration for all the tears I've shed.
I keep saying we'll get through this....I hope we will. All be can do is the best we can and hope for a better tomorrow.
Always..........1 breath, 1 step at a time.

Jun 25, 2011
BIlly's lovely smile
by: Sue

Hello,
I have just read your blog and seen your husband's lovely picture. I too, lost my soulmate three months ago and discovered this site yesterday where I have also posted my story. I hope you read it and know that you are not alone in your grief - all of us who have lost our partners understand exactly what you are going through and how lost you feel. My only consolation at the moment is that I wouldn't be feeling so devastated now if I hadn't had my Brian in my life for so long. He was everything to me and I would not have given up one single hour of our time together, even knowing how much I would be suffering and longing for him now. So many people never know what you and I had with our husbands so, although they will never suffer a loss, their lives can never have been as enriched as ours were.
My friends do help so much and I try to accept every invitation because they love me. I know that if I shut myself away, their lives will go on and they will stop asking - I appreciate every phone call and every visit, even though sometimes I just feel like pulling the covers over my head and not answering the phone or the door!!
I am thinking of you.
With love,
Sue

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