Hello World ~ I'm Here too....
A Missing Smile from My Life
Life without Billy is like walking around with no legs. You want to move but your falling.
I sat at work and thought to myself all the little things Billy did and didn't know. I took care of him physically with the Diabetes, helping him when he got out of the shower, to dress and fighting for that parking spot closer so he would have to walk as far. I've come to understand now the emotional connection/bonding of our souls, of my needs, wants and emotional needs he gave me. I'm lost and feel like I'm wondering with eyes wide closed and no light to guide me home.
I cry, so much, my heart destroyed broken to pieces like a puzzle only he can put back together. Life as we knew it stopped ~ June 21st, 2010 the day after Father's day. Its been a year and I've come to understand why we the survivors follow our loved ones after.
Life is not a life with them gone. I walk through the day like a ghost haunting a life gone. I know I will see him someday but, you know I would like that day to be sooner than later. Its word we don't say because then were classified as "Suicidal, unstable and dysfunctional"
There is nothing dysfunctional about missing our loved ones, our soul mates, our best friends, we've been pulling to the ends of the universe and scattered be on anybody's imagine . I'm sure I speak the words of a lot who cannot say out loud what we feel. Our souls have been ripped apart and they don't understand. My Billy, always took care of me. Call it old fashion but I would always tell him I was born in the wrong period. All I wanted was to marry, have kids and the house with the picket fence. So many times we compared where we were at different times in our lives and found were were closer than we realized.
We met later in our lives. It would have been nice to have "OUR" kids but it wasn't to be. So we worked with your's and mine. Funny, he was more of a father to my son than his own. But, Billy always reminded him you have a father, he will always be your father no matter what.
I sit at my computer, look around and feel the devastation of loneliness. At moments I feel I can't go on. I cannot not comprehend this, I keep asking why? More tears and then I cry myself to sleep once more. I know I've said this time and time again but 'HELLO' 'WHY'???
Forgive my ranting and ravings once more but this is the only place I can come to pour my heart and soul out.
I cry for the future and the past.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year