help me please.
I never thought in my life I would be on here writing about my Mother. But, I find it so hard to relate with anyone now and days. I feel very lost and confused every day without her here. I feel like I am swimming in a pool of apathy every day, like a roller coaster. Yet, no longer the compassionate person I once was.
My Mother passed away on 12/06/2011. I am 23 years old. I took care of my Mom for almost 3 years before she passed away. I will explain my situation, my grandparents took me in when I was a day old. I call them both "Mom" and "Dad". They had custody of me and raised me. I do not have contact with my birth mother or father or anyone on my Mom's side of the family. They are all on drugs or locked up. My parents split up about 4 years ago, I stayed with my Mom because I knew it was the right thing to do because my Mom had a very bad gambling addiction and also health problems.
I don't know how I did it, because last fall I was working one full time job and a part time job and going to school and taking care of her and still trying to maintain a social life. My Mom had a bad gambling problem because her daughter died a year and two months before I was born. At times I feel like I was put here on earth to save her, my Dad even told me he doesn't know what she would have done if I wasn't born. I was named after her daughter who died and she technically would be my aunt. I feel very saddened that my Mom had gone through with losing a child, let alone raising two monsters who were on drugs. I have no idea what it would be like to lose a child, because I have only lost a parent and I feel 100 percent lost right now.
It all happened in November of last year, I went to go visit my Dad in California before he moved to Oregon. My Mom without telling me somehow took a cab to a bus station and took a bus to Las Vegas from where I am located in Arizona. She did not tell me she was going to, because she knew I was going to be very very very upset with her. I knew something was not right because when I was in California, I kept calling and calling our house phone and she did not answer. I basically was OCD over my Mom, at work I would call her almost every hour to make sure she was okay. My Mom had very bad back problems and tended to fall, she needed a walker, and had many falls so I worried a lot about her when I wasn't home.
Back to my story. She was in Las Vegas and had ran out of money and needed money for a hotel. I paid for a hotel. I found out her bus schedule and immediately booked it back home and drove home to pick her up the next day. I was very upset that she left without telling me.
A few days later my Mom had cold/flu like symptoms and I tried to treat her like it was a cold. Until I came home one night from work, found her curled up in a ball on the couch and she wasn't breathing properly. I took her to the hospital and half way carrying her. Needless to say, she needed many liters of oxygen to breathe. This all felt like a dream. I didn't believe a word the doctors told me. My Mom had pulmonary fibrosis and a pneumonia. I didn't know such a thing. I feel like my Mom hid something from me and knew she had this. The doctor told me by looking at her lung, that she has had this for years. I don't know though. My Birth Mom had helped us out with doctors appointments at one point while my Mom had breast and lung cancer 2 years prior, and that's the only time I can think of, that I didn't attend her appointments. Anyways, they asked what would I do? Would I put her in a home? No, I honestly would have given up anything to take care of her and live in poverty. I didn't care. I wanted her home with me. I did everything with my Mom. I cooked for her, cleaned our apartment, and took her out at least once or twice a week to get her out, watched movies with her, I told her anything and everything, no secrets.
Long story short, the hospital social worker lied to me and told me they were going to rehabilitate her in hospice and that she would be coming home. That never happened. I received a phone call after day 2 in hospice, that she didn't have much time left. I completely lost it that, and I think this was the first heart break I have experienced in my whole life. I have no family out here, I only have close friends. two of them helped me out. I couldn't take time off from work, because I have 0 hours left of time off and I had to pay bills since we supported eachother.
I spent as much time as I could with my Mom and took care of what I could alone. I regret not being to spend enough time with her.
My Mom was my best friend, my Mom, and basically the roles reversed in the end, and she was like a daughter to me.
After she passed away, I did my grieving completely wrong and I think this is why I am having such a hard time today dealing with this. I went out during the week and every weekend to bars/clubs to dance and drink, not drink all the time. I stayed busy with work, school and being out and avoiding home for 6 months. I was also dating quite frequently. I was happy, I felt okay. But, I was avoiding that my Mom was truly gone. I even picked up a volunteer position at a CPS visitation center over the summer.
After my birthday in June, I got really ill and had vertigo for over a month. I don't know how I got it, or why. I went to the hospital for the first time in my life twice. Ever since then, my life has completely shattered.
I have a grief counselor and a psychologist. Also, I talk to my Dad more than a few times a day. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder before my Mom passed. I almost feel like since my Mom is gone and I have no worries, I manifest my thoughts in ludicrous ways of things that will never happened. It's almost like I don't know how to relax or slow down my mind or get it straight. Needless to say growing up with my birth mom and my Mom's son aka my uncle in out of my life was chaotic with almost being killed, them doing drugs and taking complete advantage of my parents. I almost feel like I can't shut my mind off. I am against medication personally.
I don't like the feeling of apathy, I want to know if this is normal? I am not compassionate anymore. I feel numb. Every day feels like a chore to me. Since, my Mom was my world, I feel so lost and I don't know who I am anymore. I look at myself in the mirror, and I just don't see it. I am normally a very confident girl with high self esteem but, not anymore.
I miss my Mom every day, every hour of my life. I just wish I could feel emotions and be more happy with life. I don't even enjoy school or going out, shopping, being around my friends or dog anymore. It's horrible. Every one says what I am going through is normal and time will heal me. But, I have my doubts. Starting next week I am going back to church after 10 years. I do exercise every week, meditate and do yoga occasionally.
Please someone, anyone let me know I am grieving properly or improperly. I hate feeling like this. I want to enjoy life again and I know a year is coming up. But, wow. Maybe I am being too hard on myself? I also, have flash backs of the two exact weeks she was in the hospital and hospice. I know she wouldn't want me to be this emotional and unstable. But, I honestly feel lost at sea, just floating around waiting for someone to come save me. I don't understand how I got this way.
Hopefully someone can tell me their experience since being at 23 years old I have no one really to relate too. I appreciate anyone's comments or help.