Help

by Annie

It will be six months on the 21st that I lost my husband of 31 years and I need some advice. For the first five months after my Clyde passed away I thought I did well. I planned a beautiful "Celebration of Life", navigated through all the paperwork of closing his company down, probating his will, etc., and I put the house on the market. I also went to grief counseling and felt I was in a better place than most of the people in my group. I did not cry much and did not have too much trouble sleeping.

After I put the house on the market, I started feeling like I was spiraling out of control. I cry every day, have trouble sleeping, angry, anxious and seem to like having pity parties. What can be wrong with me? I was so strong the first five months but now can't understand why I am sliding backwards. I have never been a crier and this is a little scary that I can't stop the tears. Most of my days are okay and I function pretty well but then the tears and loneliness hits me right out of the blue. Am I that dumb to think I should be out of this grief by now or am I really going crazy?

Thanks.

Comments for Help

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Jun 22, 2011
for Annie Hernandez
by: Mari

What wonderful advice you gave Annie and very comforting. And I might add, true. I rely on God for everything and He has come through in awesome ways.
I am redoing the house. I work 2 jobs and am finally getting things in order after 1 yr and 7 mo (as of today) of my husband going to be with the Lord.
Yesterday was my first day I was actually full of joy. I took care of business and drove around in my new Chevy and let the wind blow through my hair.Someone I know had a joyful experience and it rubbed off on me. So I know I am healing.
As you say Annie, rely on God which is what I do.''Un dia a la vez, Jesucristo.'' Just one day at a time.
Everyone has their way of handling grief and I noticed many people fixing up their homes so I know being busy helps. And that I sure am. I feel too that God sent a little great grandaughter to bring me joy and my husband would have adored her. She seems to have brought joy all around, and we have 5 generations going.My husband is safe with the Lord. Take care. Mari

Jun 22, 2011
We'll help
by: Judy

You are not going crazy and you are not going backward. This is just how grief feels, it will take you where it will and do as it pleases. Don't fight it just roll along with the emotions otherwise you have to keep climbing the same hill all over again. My Barry has been gone for 18 months or so and although I am much better in many important ways, I still have emotional episodes that just are hard to handle. This morning I was driving to work on a very normal day and I got this sudden intense pining to have Barry holding me again. I just ached to feel his arms around me. I blubbered all the way to work because I know I will never have that and that's all I want right now.Six months is hard, the shock has worn off and the reality and loneliness is setting in, even people who love you have drifted back to their lives and you are pretty much alone. But you are not really alone because we are here. Read our posts you will see that we have all struggled along this rocky path with each other, always with someone who's been there ahead of us standing by the side of the road cheering us along. You have found sisters and friends here.

JM

Jun 21, 2011
Just keep going forward
by: Jack

We are all with you and we all understand how you feel. At first we are so busy doing all the practical things. Papers, wills, house ,etc... Then it starts to sink in. That terrible feeling of being alone. I have it too. And so do all of us on this website. we can get through this together. We all have joined the same horrible club. I'll pray for you and I wish you peace. Jack

Jun 20, 2011
Help!
by: Tony

You are not alone in grief, people grieve differently, go thru different stages of grief different, pat yourself on the back and breathe slow and take each hour and day at your pace. You are normal, my Mom passed away February 1st of this year. I still have good and bad days, went to grief counselling and take a antidepressant from my doctor! I live with my brothers in our mother`s home, sleep when you can, and know you are not alone! hugs,tony

Jun 20, 2011
Help
by: jules

Annie - six months is such a short time in this journey called grief - I am 19 months in, and most times I cope really well - my John and I were married for almost 40 years, together for 42. I miss him every day, there are some days when I wonder how I will go on, especially when life throws a curve ball.
It is sometimes the small things that get you, take you by surprise, you find yourself crying, feeling so sad and lonely - not so much lonely, as alone - there is a difference.
I keep myself pretty busy, my daughter is nearby, and I see her a lot, but she has her own family issues at the moment, and I find it hard at times to put my problems onto her. I have not sold my home, but I don't live there, my son and his mate share it, and I live in a rental house in another state - I know that soon I will have to make a decision about the house, but that will happen in time.
I have made new friends, most of whom did not know John, so there are no shared memories, which makes it a bit easier. I do volunteer work, play squash and lawn bowls, I used to go to a grief counsellor, but what I found was that I didn't grieve to an appointment, which is where this site came in - open 24/7 - always someone out there - sometimes just writing down your feelings helps make them easier to cope with.
Come here as often as you need, you will find compassion and caring here - and remember, every day start the day with - one step, one breath
take care
jules

Jun 20, 2011
Trying To Cope
by: MOM

Your not going crazy just feel's that way. Everyone has to grieve. No one gets out of it. I have never been a crier either, until I lost my only child.
He just turned 40 and now he is gone. I have had all kinds of feelings none of them good. It has been almost 3 months and the other night when I went to bed my eyes hurt from crying so much. I have not gone more than 2 days with out crying and then it comes and I just can't seem to stop. A great part of me died that day. I held him in my arms and wiped his face until the Medic's came and made me leave the room. He had a massive heart attack. He always was with me after he married he lived beside us. I like to pretend it didn't happen and it would work for awhile, but when the dream came to an end I would cry so hard and I hurt so bad deep inside, a hurt I could never image.

Jun 20, 2011
No help needed
by: Judith in California

Anne, it seems throughout our course of grief we all fall back at various time. I did better in 3 months then fell back into a big grieving bout. It's like that and we just have to keep driving down the road of grief until we stop so much. The ride has so many emotional twist and turns and is very bumpy at best. It's nine months for me and the last 3 days have been full of tears.

Just hang in there. God bless you on your journey to finding peace and acceptance . But you will always have a Grief Corner in your heart and will from time to time , tear up over something that will come to thought about him. It's normal.

Jun 20, 2011
for Annie
by: Mari

Oh my goodness Annie. You are not crazy. There are times when you are busy getting things done that need to be done and then reality sets in. It is part of the grieving process and is quite normal after your loss. Please realize you have lost a part of yourself. You need more time to cope with the loss. We are here for you. And God is with you every minute. Six months is not very long.
It has been a year and a half for me and I too have stayed busy. I am fixing up the house and working 2 jobs and am better. But then I will look at my husbands picture and say,''Oh sweetheart. I miss you so much.'' It comes in waves. I loved him so much. But he is in God's care and keeping.I have experienced every emotion one can imagine and have cried rivers of tears. But now I find myself able to laugh over things he would say. And his great love for the grandchildren. I look at numerous pics of him holding a new grandchild, many now grown.I am sad that he has never seen some of the new grand children. They just keep on coming. The great grandbaby would sure have captured his heart.
You will be ok. Keep up the good work. We are here for you.

Keep going and keep up the faith. This is a wonderful board and we are here for you. Take care of yourself.

Jun 20, 2011
Not Crazy
by: Yvonne

You are not going crazy. I am going on a year next month and I did the same. But I think those first months I was in limbo. Just moving and doing. Now it hits. Now the realization that he is not coming through that door. Now the loneliness- Cry-cry it all out. I yell, I scream, I hurt so bad. I know what you feel but you are not crazy. You are grieving.

Jun 20, 2011
GOD IS YOUR HOPE
by: ANNIE HERNANDEZ

I send my condolences to you but please pray that god can give you the strength for each and every day that your here on this earth. God is the only peace you will have. I don?t know if you believe in him but search for him. He knows what you are going through he feel your pain in spirit. Call him Annie he will listen. My thing is why sell the house if you have been living there together maybe your husband didn?t want you to sell the house. But please search for the lord and savior you will have peace I promise you.
You will continue living with Clyde in peace and the good times you had with him because he is still around giving you decisions on what to do that?s why you feel so guilty of taking care of business. Pray, pray, talk to god like your having a conversation. I wouldn?t sell the house if I was you rearrange it in a different way I will pray for you
GOD BLESS YOU

Jun 20, 2011
Roller-Coaster Ride
by: Janice

No, Annie....you are not going crazy. You are on the "roller-coaster ride of grief". I did exceptionally well for the first couple of months after losing my son, then started spiraling out of control. It's only been 7 months for me, and some days I feel like I should be committed, others I feel reasonably okay. Thank God for my wonderful friends (one of whom has been on this same ride for 3 years). Without them, I'm sure somedays I would collapse! Keep hanging in there.....cry when you need to cry, laugh when you can, and take one breath, one step at the time, and take care of yourself. Know that you are not alone..... I'm not sure we will ever get off this ride completely, but maybe it will slow down to a tolerable speed!

Jun 20, 2011
Nothing wrong with you
by: Joss

Dear Annie,

You are going through something you should have allowed yourself to do from the beginning; grieve

My Husband passed away 5 months ago, we would have been married 40 years next month, it takes time, you cannot erase 31 years in 6 months. Your counselor should have told you to go slow in making decisions. I am not getting rid of anything until my heart and mind are ready. There are times when you will feel as if you are going forward only to fall back, it's all part of grieving, a song, a place, something will bring memories and you will start crying, let yourself go, we are all going through it, let it happen, you are not going crazy; I thought I was until I read more stories and we are all in the same boat. It's a roller coaster unfortunately. Be good to yourself..

Jun 20, 2011
My Story Seems the Same
by: Mary (Ocean, NJ)

Anne,
I lost my husband of 41 years on Dec.8, 2010. So it's almost 7 months. I know exactly how you are feeling. In the beginning I too, was so busy just getting through the service and paper work. All of a sudden, when that was accomplished, it really hit me that I was alone and now a widow. I have days where I think I am doing ok and then all of a sudden I just break down and cry and have my own "pity party". People have told me that this is normal and the 6 month mark can be really difficult because you finally accept the fact that your loved one is gone and now you must try to carve out a new life. Well all I can say is that I try to take one day at a time. Some days are better than others and if I feel like crying and feel like shutting the world out I do that, just because I want to- the next day I try to pull my self out of the pity and lonliness. So I think we are both "normal" I just guess, as people say, this grief thing is a process. I also have a strong faith and truly believe that my husband is holding my hand through the difficult times and that God will bring me and my family peace and strength. Stay strong and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Know you are not alone.

Jun 20, 2011
Hang in There, It gets better
by: Debbie

I think you were so busy for the first 6 months that now you have slowed down a bit & it is hitting you. I wish we didnt have to go through all the sadness. It tears me up every day too. I cry on & off all day every day and its almost been a month for me but Feb. 25 is when he had the anoxia (no brain wave). I think this is all normal for you to let lose and not have to be so strong. You havent had this down time and I think we all go through it and over again. It all sucks and wish we could go on with our lives cuz we know this life is not what its all about, its the life in Heaven. So hang in there & I would love to keep in touch. I would love to know how you stayed so strong closing his business. I have to do the same,

Jun 20, 2011
Help is on the way we are here...
by:

Annie,

You are not CRAZY just crazy with grief. The first few months you are numb. Carrying on with duties things that are necessary to deal with at the time. Often taking care of relatives when they stop by to see "How your doing" And we all wander through this blind and numb. But about 6 months down the road the harsh reality of what it really is...The aloneness the crippling grief that attacks us with thoughts of their death, the loss of the life we shared together.

About months 6-12 we just try to survive and there is no telling when the meltdowns will occur. We apologise at first for breaking down. After a few episodes we allow it as acceptable. Walmart saw many tears that occurred when the strong memories surfaced. Such as trying to get reprints of Paul for the kids to make an album.

Now it is a Year and a half for me. The kids are here now and I told them although I did make reprints I am still unable to put together a photo album as I had planned 6 months or more ago.
If they want it I have the negs and pics and they can do it during their stay.

His sister, My sister-in-law is coming too. It is a wonderful to see them....Yet it brings memories of My Love and how much I really still Miss and Love him.

So we try to make it to the year mark. Thinking that that will solve everything. Trying to adjust to the "new Life" that we have been dealt/ don't want, but must make eventually.

Zoe (a fellow and very wise griever) said it best in a posting which I cannot get to or I will lose what I have written. I will do a P.S to let you know the title she explains it so very well. Please read it and other posts it will let you know that we have gone through similar emotions, the ups and downs of grief the horrible rollercoaster ride that we all want off of. But for now don't look to far into the future just take it one day one breath at a time...
HH

Jun 20, 2011
It's Called Grief
by: TrishJ

Annie~
What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. It's not fun, it's unbearable some days, it drains us of our energy.........but it's normal.
My husband died on December 3, 2010. I think I was literally in a state of shock for the first 60 days. Everyone's time frame is different. I went through terrible anger for the next two months. Now I'm just trying to come to terms with Joe's death. Yesterday was father's day and it was so hard. I had nobody to buy a card form.
All we can do is wake up in the morning and just do the best we can. Don't push yourself. Not right now. If you don't feel like doing something ~ don't do it. I have people in my life who are very judgmental ~ telling me it's time to get over this. I'll never get over it. I just have to re-train my brain to accept this life and try to find whatever happiness I can until it's time for me to join my husband.
It's not unusual for be going along OK then have a major setback. They call it a roller coaster ride. That's exactly what it is. Up down, up down. As long as it's not constantly down at this point it's fine.
I can be having a perfectly good day...be driving to my daughter's house....go past the hospital where my husband died and lose all control of my emotions. I actually pulled over in the Target parking lot the other day until I could "get a grip" before going to her house. I didn't want to upset her.
This a difficult journey. It's hard work. You loved your husband and you miss him. That's what's "wrong." Our lives will never be the same again.
Take some time to "Enjoy The View" and be good to yourself.
Peace and blessings.
PJ

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